[bonyhadi]

"Large cats can be dangerous, but a little ***** never hurt anyone,"
=====================
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needin' ".
After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing
around and created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and
so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole damned thing!!!
==============
Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and
wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash
up as far as possible."

"Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash 'possible'!!!"
================================================== ====================
The old rules (baseball sex terms)
1st base= Kissing
2nd base= Tongue kissing
3rd base= Hands down partners pants
Home run= Sex

Here is the new standardized guide (and other terms/meanings)
On deck= Having plans for a date
Strike out= Stood up/didn't score/couldn't get it up
Walk= Kissing
Bunt= Masturbation
Single= tongue kissing
Double= Breast/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and
feeling
Triple= Most of clothes off, genital contact, and or mutual
masturbation
Inside the park home run= Oral sex
Home run= Sex
Ground out double= Would have sex, no condom
Relief pitcher= Vibrator
Error= condom breaking during sex
Banned for life for gambling= Having sex with out a condom
Hall of fame= Marriage
Rain delay= Parents/Room mate come home early
Box seats= Water bed
Seventh ining stretch= Unusual positions
Rookie= Virgin
Minor leagues= Under 18
Grand slam= Sex 4 times in a 12 hour period.
==================================
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean? I'm fine."
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "we were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
Oh yeah? Well, what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well, we were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off, but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and
I feel great, really."
"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them **** in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird ****!"
"It was my first day with the hook."
=======================
Why did the blonde have a bruised and stretched belly button?
Her boyfriend is blonde.
======================
A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He dosen't know if he's
going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his
son's sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out
of nowhere a beautiful nurse walks in, kneels down & blows him without
saying a word.

The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son! I love this
place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home!".

The son says, "Wow, Pop. You sound really happy. What happenened?"

The old man says, "You won't believe it! I woke up this morning with a
hard on & the most beautiful nurse I've ever seen came into my room and
blew me. Didn't say a word, just blew me."

"Well that sounds great dad, congratulations."

Later that day the old man is walking down the hall in his walker. He
slips and falls and can't get up. A big hillbilly orderly comes up to
him, rips his pants off, screws him and leaves him there in a heap.

The old man crawls to a phone and calls his son. "Son you've got to get

me out of here, this place is nuts!"

"What happend pop you sound terrible!"

"Well, I was walking with my walker and I fell down and I couldn't get
up.
Then this big hillbilly orderly came by, ripped my pants down and
screwed me!"

"Well ya know dad you got a blowjob this morning, You gotta take the
good with the bad..."

"No, you don't understand, Son!"

"I only get a hard on once a month! I fall down three-four times a
day!"
===========================
The Creation Of *****

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a ***** to their design.
First was a carpenter, strong and bold, using a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Second was a butcher, endowed with wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit. Then came a tailor, tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, using a piece of fur, he lined it without. Then came a fisherman, nasty as Hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Next was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Finally, a sailor, the dirty little runt, he ****ed it and sucked it and called it a ****.
==================================Breast Tax Law

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is not quite true, there is one (or should I say 2) other things:
"1040 B Standard Breasts Tax Form"
Since the IRS has decided to tax men's penises, it has come to believe that women shouldn't be left out. So they have decided that a Breast Tax is in order. Please
refer to the chart below for your tax computation:
AA cup Flat rate $ 5.00A cup Slight rise $10.00
B cup Normal rate $15.00
C cup Over abundant rate $20.00
D cup* "Are they real?" rate $40.00
PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under AA cup is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN ENLARGEMENT!
* Females exceeding D cup should consult their tax advisor for the KNOCK YOUR EYES OUT Capital Gains tax.
Boobs Checker,
Internal Revenue Service
============================
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourself a Hand!
You don't need to use a condom
You don't need a dental dam
You don't need to say "I Love You" or "Here's Fifty Dollars, Ma'am."
Don't need to spring for dinner,
Or wear all that sexy stuff
All you need's a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff
'Cause everybody's doin' it, all across the land
Masturbators Of America,
Give Yourselves A Hand!
It's natural, and organic
It's easy and it's fun
If you don't know how to do it ask your parents how it's done
You don't need a special license
You don't need a special skill
Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill
'Cause everybody's doin' it, and boy does it feel grand,
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourselves a Hand!
You can do it in the bathroom
You can do it in your bed
You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead
You can rub it with some lotion
You can stroke it with a cloth
Arnold Schwartzenegger pounds it,
Michael Jackson jacks it off
Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand.
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourself a Hand!
===========================
I meet a hot babe last night, she undid my fly and started playing with my dick!

I said "you handle that well" she said "I should; I used to have one!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For a long time, Mary had a fantasy of being with a black man.

One night, when she was in a bar, she met a handsome black man who appeared to be great, so she figured, what the crap, she'd go for it. So Mary asked the
fellow to come home with her.



When the two got to Mary's apartment, Mary told the black about her fantasy, and asked if he would be a part of it.

The black man agreed, so the two headed for Mary's bedroom.
Mary said, "OK, first, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed!" So the black guy did so.



By this time, Mary was worked into a passionate frenzy. She looked up at the black guy and said, "Now, big boy, do what you black boys do best!"

So the black guy beat her up, took up her VCR, and left.
=========================

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the
first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue,
gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to
reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She
takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently
in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the
shuddering. A few more minutes pass.
The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently
wipes her nose and shudders violently again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the
woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three
times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then
shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you
going crazy."
The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a
rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more
curious says,
"I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."


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