[bonyhadi]

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, “Where the hell have you been? “

“I was out getting a tattoo.â€*

“A tattoo?â€*

“What kind of tattoo did you get?"

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis.â€*

“What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your
penis?â€*

“Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow . . .

Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money . .

Third, I like how money feels in my hand . . . And lastly, instead of you going out shopping,
you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want ! ! !â€*
==============================
For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive
to the Pocono's and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple,
clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive. The husband says, "I'll just nip
around by their window and see what they are doing. Maybe we can get some ideas to spice
up our 50th year!"

Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay.
They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young
man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing
doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they
rush together and make mad tumultuous love like crazed weasels.

The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting
wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more aroused herself.

"Darling, this is going to be so good," she says, "Run right out and get some grapefruit and
Lifesavers!"
===========================
A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he comes in drunk and
falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't had a good shag for over a
year and is considering divorce.

After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home. When he
staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, he coos "baby, get
upstairs to the bedroom".

She can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one. They get to the bedroom and he
rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the
wall".

"Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it." She does the handstand and her hubby pulls her
legs apart and puts his chin between her legs right on her muff.

"The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!"
=======================================
Mathematics of sex:

Add a bed;
Subtract your clothes;
Divide your legs;
And Pray to G-d you don't Multiply!
-=============================
Archaeologists have finally come up with an explanation as to why man eventually began
walking uprightâ€| to free up their hands for
masturbation.
========================
What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!
===========================
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression,
mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to
get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies,
"Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he
asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that means.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses. There
she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He is in his birthday suit. Looking at
her he asks "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am
still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. Her
standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit except that he has an
erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"

He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences.
=====================================

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says,
"Collect... that'll be five dollars."
She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead."
Johnny says, "All right."
He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the
biggest dick she's ever seen. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of
huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.
She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it."

He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."
=================================================
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. When the man realizes
that he can't find the rake, he yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

Because of the water running, she can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

Deciding to use gestures, the man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally
makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, "What?"

The man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE THE RAKE"

The wife replies that she understands and begins to send signals back. First, she points to
her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, finally she points at
her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes
upstairs and asks her "What in the friggin' hell
was that?"

While repeating the gestures, she verbally explains "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE
BUSH"
=======================================