[bonyhadi]

ra knew nothing about the wild when he went on his first hunting trip. He walked into a clearing and was surprised to find a young woman lying there in the nude.

"Pardon me," Ira said, "are you game?"

She looked him up and down and seductively said, "Yes."

So he shot her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These two drunks were in a bar. One said to the other, "I have to go pee."
The other said, "I do to. Pee for me while you are in there."
The guy says, "ok"
He staggers to the john, and is gone for a long time.
When he comes back, he hits the other drunk and knocks him to the floor.
The 2nd drunk looks up and says, " why did you hit me?"
"If you had told me you had to ****, I would have pulled down my pants."
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An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.

"I can't stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?"

"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap!"
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Why are men Thinkers and women Talkers?
Because men have two heads and women have four lips.
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The young couple is on their honeymoon. After a few hours of exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

"Where're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Nowhere, Sweetie," he says. "Please turn over."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My doctor says the insomnia I suffer from is caused by my drinking late at night. So I've decided to start drinking earlier in the day.
=========================
This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says she'll be happy to pick up the round as she's heard of a new drink she wants him to try. She gets back
to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a shot of Bailey's, and the other a shot of lime juice.
She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice." He looks a little dubious but does as he's told because
she's really cute when she's enthusiastic and he has plans for later.
First he swigs the Bailey's, holding it and swishing it back and forth over his tongue. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth.
Then he adds the lime juice to mix with the Bailey's.
After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his mouth. Two seconds into it his face turns the color of fresh lime juice. Five seconds and he finally calms
his stomach enough to swallow the mess.
With a look of near horror on his face, he turns to her and asks, "Why did you give me such a God-awful combination?"
She whispers in his ear....

"It's called Blowjob revenge"
==============================
Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the
owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the
same day that Joe's boat sank.

A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him
for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel
terrible".

Joe said, "Oh hell no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all
shriveled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing
water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front
which got bigger every time I used her.

She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright.
But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for
a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all
wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on
her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while
they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the
middle".

The old woman fainted.

~~~BEING DRAFTED~~~

Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from The military
base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun
seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.

He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted
and the M.P.'s are chasing me!"

She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here."

The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied,
"No."

After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything
was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of
legs for a nun!"

She replied, "If you reach up a little farther you'll find a nice set of
balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"~~~LIKE MICROSOFT~~~

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft...

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a
fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl
are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem.
How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the
fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly
in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.
I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . $1.00
============================
One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten
years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship,"
he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to
rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde
woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy
and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a
cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights
it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, on Man! Is that good!!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks
him.
Trembling the castaway replies, "Ten years,"
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands
it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says "WOW, that's
absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down
the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And
how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh Sweet
Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!!"
===================
WORMS :
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex......you won''t get worms.
======================
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if G-d decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling Heaven.
For English, Press 1.
For Spanish, press 2.
For all other languages, press 0.
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests.
Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
Press 3 for Complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.
I am sorry. All of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will
answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
G-d, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
Holy Spirit, press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.
To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the pound
sign.
If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.
For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait
until you arrive.
Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang-up and try again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend, to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am. If you are
calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor. Thank you, and have a heavenly day.
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