GETTING INTO HEAVEN
Thought for the day
Who knew it was so simple.
Asking the children in my Sunday School class, "If I
sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money
to the church, would I get into Heaven?"
"NO"! the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard,
and kept everything neat
and tidy, would I get into Heaven"?
Again, the answer was "NO"!
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get to Heaven?"
In the back of the room, a 5 yr. old boy shouted out,
"You gotta be dead"!
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of
his young players, "Do
you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded
yes.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we
win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called,
or you are out at
first, you don't argue or curse or attack the
umpire. Do you understand all
that?" Again, the boy nodded yes.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and
explain it to your mother."
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Two guys are in a locker room after their
racquetball game when one guy
notices the other has a cork in his rectum.
"If you don't mind me saying," said the second,
"that cork looks terribly
uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."
"I don't understand," said the other.
The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach
and I tripped over an
oil
lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man
in a turban came oozing
out. He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you
one wish."
And I said, "No ****."
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He has a one-track mind, and the traffic on it is
very light.
He paid $500 to have his family tree searched, and
found out he was the sap.
There are times he has something on his mind -- he
wears a hat occasionally.
His neck reminds you of a typewriter -- Underwood.
The only time he thinks is in a poolroom, where he
can rack his brains.
If you want the real dope about anything, go to the
real dope -- HIM!
He bought a topless bathing suit for his
half-sister.
A traffic judge asked him, Have you ever been up
before me?" And he said,
"I don't know, what time do you get up?"
Once he saw an old woman fall down, but didn't help
her up. His mother
warned him against having anything to do with fallen
women.
He's never bought Christmas seals --says he wouldn't
know what to feed them.
He carried a double-barreled gun to the ball game,
because he heard the
Lions were playing the Tigers.
He called it quits when his fourth child was born,
because he read that
every fifth child born is Chinese!
He won't let his daughter go to college because he
heard that sthe students
have to show their professors their thesis.
The first time he heard about the Boston Tea Party,
he asked who the caterer
was.
When a beggar asked him, "Do you have a quarter for
a sandwhich?" he said
"Let's see the sandwhich
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He's so dumb, he thinks the Kentucky Derby is a hat.
He's never slept with his wife. He says it isn't
honorable to sleep with a
married woman.
He's so dumb, he thinks the English Channel is a
British T.V. station.
He's so dumb, he thinks the St. Louis Cardinals are
appointed by the Pope.
He lost his dog, but he won't put an ad in the
newspaper. He says it's no
use -- his dog can't read.
He still hasn't bought an electric toothbrush. He
doesn't know if his teeth
are AC or DC.
He jumped off the bus backwards when he heard
someone say, "Let's grab his
seat when he gets off."
He heard that a man gets hit by an automobile every
twenty minutes. He said,
"What a glutton for punishment, that guy!"
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Funny Jokes: Big Date
Emily, I don't know what to do, "Gloria said to her
friend at work. "That
good-looking Bill in accounting asked me out for
Saturday night. Should I
go?"
"Oh, my God, "her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you,
dine you and then use
any ruse to get you to his apartment. Then he'll rip
off your dress and
you'll have fantastic sex."
"Well, what should I do?" she asked.
"Wear an Old dress."
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Beautiful Grammar Lesson
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the
teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful"
in the same sentence
twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded
with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in
it."
Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then
called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned
out beautifully," he
said. Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last
night, at the dinner table,
my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and
he said, "Oh that's
beautiful, just beautiful!"
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Fishing Trip
Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the
equipment - the reels,
the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car,
and even a cabin in the
woods.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch
anything. The same thing
happens on the second day, and on the third day. It
goes on like this until
finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of
the rednecks finally
catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed.
One guy turns to the other
and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish
we caught cost us fifteen
hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we
didn't catch any more!"
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Spelling
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with
magnetic letters on the
refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been
proudly displayed for all to
see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he
bounded into the room
with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three
magnetic letters: G-O-D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on
his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put
them on the fridge so
Dad can see when he gets home tonight." The mom
happily thought that the
Catholic education is certainly having an impact.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen.
"Mom? How do you spell
zilla?"
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Kindergarten Smarts
One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the
class of five-year-olds,
"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was
the most famous man who
ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss,
it was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put
his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St.
Andrew." The teacher replied,
"I'm sorry Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised
his hand and said, "Please miss, it was Jesus
Christ." The teacher said,
"That's absolutely right Hymie, come up here and
I'll give you your $2."
As the teacher was giving Hymie his money, she said
"You know Hymie, you
being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus
Christ," to which Hymie
replied, "I know miss, in my heart I knew it was
Moses, but business is
business."