[bonyhadi]

There was a costume party at a mental hospital;
the theme of the party was war.
The first person comes up onto the stage and says,
"I'm an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.
The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen bomb."
Again, there's applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says,
"I'm dynamite."
Everybody runs away hysterically.
When one of them is asked why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his
fuse was?"
================================================== ===========
Where do Halloween ghosts store their costumes during the rest of the
year?
In the sheet house!

What's a monster's favorite bean?
A human bean.

What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
===============================
Yo Mama's so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

Yo Mama's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!

Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
========================================
Halloween Terms

Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.

Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your
throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your
fridge.

Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done.
Also, see "Mr. Hyde."

Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing
each week.

Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee
==================================
A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure
of what costume to wear.
His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party.

She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked
except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife.

"What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the husband.

"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife.
"Now hurry and get your costume on."

The husband went upstairs and was back in about 2 minutes.
He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his
penis.

"What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the wife.

"I am a fire alarm," he replied.

"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.

"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire, break the glass, pull a few
times, and I come."
====================================
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about
where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep.
However, they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of
trees.
Finally he slowed down, and all the other bats excitedly milled around
him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!" the bats all screamed in frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "BECAUSE I FxxKING DIDN'T !!"
===========================================
HALLOWEEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T!

She's a goblin!

I'd like to get a little something in the sack.

Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!

Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.

If you just lick it, it'll last longer.

Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.

Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.

You scared me stiff!

He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
===========================================
Top ten signs that you're too old to trick or treat:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9.You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a
mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the
rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
=======================================
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the
habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a
tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her
red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."
==================================================
What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty?
Tired Blood!!

Is it true that witches are afraid of dead bodies?
Of corpse it is!

Why does the Mummy keep his Band-Aids in the refrigerator?
He wants to uses them later for cold cuts!

Why did the Witch cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off! Booo!

What is a ghost's favorite ride at the midway?
A roller ghoster!
================================================== ========
How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.

What's black, white, orange, and waddles?
A penguin with a Jack-o-lantern.
=================================
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a Halloween
party, and I want to go as Adam."

The girl brings out a fig leaf.

But he says, "Not big enough!"

So she brings out a bigger one.

"Still not big enough!"

So she brings out a HUGE fig leaf.

"Still not big enough!" he proudly tells her.

So she says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your
shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
==========================

Baby Boomers, The 1960s vs. the 2000s

Then: Long Hair
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: You're growing pot.
Now: Your growing pot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children/Grandchildren.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.

Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now: Calling the principal's office.

Then: Screw the system!
Now: Upgrade the system.

Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.

Then: Passing the driver's test.
Now: Passing the vision test.

Then: "Whatever"