[bonyhadi]

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Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 A.M. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was
perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his
watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN SWEDEN) he got in his
car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good
paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day,
Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN
BRAZIL)
poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN CHILE) and turned on
his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.
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TEN WAYS TO KNOW WHEN YOU'RE TOO OLD TO GO TRICK OR TREATING.

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9.You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
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THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT A TATTOO PARLOR...

"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."

"We're all out of red, so I used pink."

"There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"

"That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named
Tahiti Sweetie."

"I HATE it when I get the hiccups."

"Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room
back here."

"The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a
nice waving effect."
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Did you hear condoms are now being sold with a free calling card? The attached instructions say, "If you can't come, call."
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A tourist was on a bus tour of Castilla during the summer that had a stop at this old convent. The tour wasn't that interesting and he managed to stay behind and
start wandering. Feeling the urge, he stopped to pee on the outside wall of the chapel.

While he was doing his business, the Mother Superior surprised him. "OH! I am soooo sorry!"

"No," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a man's...You know. Could I take a look?"

A nun's asking to see his works freaked out the tourist but it was kinda kinky in a way, so he figured, "What the hell?"

The nun looked at it for a bit, and as he was about to put it away, she said, "You know, I always wanted to touch it. Would you mind?"

"This is really weird, but sure." The tourist was getting really excited. Who could say that a nun had tossed you off?

"Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete experience?" the nun requested. The tourist, sure that he was about to get laid, willingly took down hispants.

The nun began fondling his testicles and suddenly straightened,and said, "Don't (SQUEEZE) piss (SQUEEZE) on the (SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE) walls
(SQUEEZE) again!"
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WISDOM FROM GRANDPA

This touched me. This once again confirms that the most important
information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the
internet, but from a mentor and on a very personal level. My long-passed
grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to
reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special
trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him,
and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when
he died.

If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a
better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most,
the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice, came when he paused,
looked me in the eye and said,
. . . "Son, Don't marry a woman with big hands.
It makes your pecker look smaller."
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