A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon
getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase. "Olympic condoms?", she asks, "What makes them so
special?" "There are three colors," he replies, "gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear
tonight?"
she asks cheekily. "Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."
THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM - EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME ...
I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!
I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift
certificate they're supposed to send me.
Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old
Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to
10 people.
I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER --NEVER !!
There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that
someone will send me $100 for
forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did
when he was 7 years old. He is now
cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.
The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week)
that, if passed, will enable them to
charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will
receive immediately after I forward an
e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of
disease for every e-mail address I
send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend
or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If
God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to
pass it on!
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your
friends before the next full moon or you will
surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!
Just Kidding...
A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the
most religious.
(Now that in itself could be the joke - but it's not
"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim.
Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end
had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper
under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed
and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had
stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite
the Koran by memory."
"One day while fishing," started the Christian," I was in my little dinghy
in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere.
I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down
in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed
and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped.
Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children
about Him."
"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew," I was in my most
expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a
black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand
inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come
as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays.
But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly,
for 500 feet all around me, it was Tuesday!"
*******************************************
Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted
--------------------------------------------------------------------- A jump-lead walks
into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
--------------------------------------------------------------------- A sandwich walks
into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Dyslexic man walks
into a bra.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a
bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the
road."
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Two aerials meet on
a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Two cannibals are
eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------- "Doc, I can't stop
singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Two cows standing
next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated
this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Two hydrogen atoms
walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are
you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------- A man takes his
Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for
him? " Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to
put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really
heavy"
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Two elephants walk
off a cliff...... boom boom!
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Apparently, 1 in 5
people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must
be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or
my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to buy some
camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to the
butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat
off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------- My friend drowned
in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- A man came round in
hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my
legs!" The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
--------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to a seafood
disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Eskimos sitting
in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once
and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Our ice cream man
was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
Two women, Connie and Lori who were
rivals in a social circle met at a party.
"My dear," said Connie "Are those real pearls?"
"They are," replied Lori
"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me
to bite them." Smiled Connie
Lori responded "Yes, but for that you would need
real teeth