On their first night together, a newleywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of
the
bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says "My dear, we are
married
now, you can take off your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe and he is
astonished. "Oh, oh.aaahhh." he exclaims "my god you are so beautiful, let me take your
picture." puzzled she asks him "my picture?" he answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your
beauty next to my heart forever." She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads
into
the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks "why do you
wear a
robe? we are married now" at that the man opens his robe and she exclaims "oh,OH, OH MY,
let me
get a picture." He beams and asks why, she answers "So I can get it enlarged."
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears
a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having
hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice
again: I SAID, DIG !
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands,
and after some inches, he finds a small chest with
a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN!
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a
rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the
chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the
man takes the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE!
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of
roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables
where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27!
The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the
27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet
when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stays at the 26.
The deep voice says: OOOPS!
Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to a Woman During an Argument....
10. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"
9. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off."
8. "You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread."
7. "Wait a minute...I get it -- what time of the month is it?"
6. "You sure you don't want to consult the Great Oprah on this one?"
5. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked."
4. "Whoa, time out honey. Football is on."
3. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of ***** Flakes this morning."
2. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN DURING AN ARGUMENT....
1. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded"
Here's a list of things your wife should say...in
your dreams...!!!
1. I'll swallow it all...I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my *****.
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Please do another one.
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you and then go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler?
10. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses?
11. I'll be out painting the house.
12. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play Saturday
too.
13. Honey...our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see.
14. No, no, I'll take the car and have the
oil changed.
15. Your mother is way better than mine.
16. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself some new
clubs.
17. I fully understand...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake, you go
hunting with the guys, it's a
wonderful stress reliever.
18. Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer and have my
friend Diana over for a
threesome?
19. Not the ****ing mall again. Come on let's go to that new strip joint?
20. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that
nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
21. You need your sleep you big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
22. God...if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
23. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.
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The Creation Of *****
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a ***** to their design. First was a
carpenter, strong and bold, using a
hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Second was a butcher, endowed with wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Then came a tailor, tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, using a piece of fur, he lined it without.
Then came a fisherman, nasty as Hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Next was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it and said it could
pee.
Finally, a sailor, the dirty little runt, he ****ed it and sucked it and called it a ****.
=====================
REQUEST FOR PROMOTION!
The male sexual organ REQUESTS A PROMOTION and a raise for the following reasons:
- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.
REQUEST DENIED for the following reasons:
- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- does not have a degree;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- shows no fidelity to the workplace;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.
================================
The English Language
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
===================================
Two women, Connie and Lori who were
rivals in a social circle met at a party.
"My dear," said Connie "Are those real pearls?"
"They are," replied Lori
"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me
to bite them." Smiled Connie
Lori responded "Yes, but for that you would need
real teeth."