[bonyhadi]

What is the most common pickup line in a lesbian bar?
"Your face, or mine?"
===========================================
Little Johnny was talking to a friend, complaining about his Mom.
He said "My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going
through her mental pause."
=========================================
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says,
"It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26!
What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
============================================
While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in
bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend.
I told him the television was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the
time. The only problem was the television set was old and would just
shut off for no reason. But, I would just give it a few hard wacks on
the side and it would come back on, which was no big deal.
A couple of days later the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery.
I was trying to get the television to come back on so, my son answered
the door. The pastor smiled and asked "Is your mom busy, son?
My little one looked up at him and replied,
"No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".
==========================================
After returning from his honeymoon with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi
stopped in his New York neighborhood barber shop to say hello to his
friends. Giovanni said,

"Hey, Luigi. "How was'a da treep."
Luigi said, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down."
"What'a you mean, Luigi," asked Giovanni.
"Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station.
My beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and
cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'a forward to da trip.
All was OK until we got'a hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket.
The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say, No eat in
dese'a car.
Must'a use'a dining car.
So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a
lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino.
Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, No drink'a in dese'a
car. Must'a use'a club'a car.' So we go to club'a car.
While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar.
The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, "No smoke'a in dese'a
car. Must'a go to smoker car."
We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar".
"Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to
bed.
We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he come'a through
yelling "NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA. "
Mama Mia ! Atza louzy Trip !!
========================================
A guy got his date out on a country road and pretended to run out of
gas hoping to make out.
She wasn't going for it and said she had a $100 bill in her purse and
she'd buy gas, but he'd have to walk to town to get it.
He said he had to pee first. While he was peeing she decided to light a
match near the gas neck to see if there was any gas in there.
There was a big explosion and she called out to him "Honey, help me
find my purse, it's got my $100 in it!" He said "Hell with that.
Help me find my right hand, it's got my dick in it!"
================================================
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy
Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites
him in."Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he
says.
"That's cool." says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby
replies
politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to the
drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out
and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes
as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy
Sue's father,"Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night
if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he
has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue
comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and
announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with
anticipation,Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is
saying "Have a good evening kids,"with a wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back
into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
=================================================
How to tell you have a ^*#*UP Lawyer
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each
other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. A prison guard is shaving your head.
7. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
8. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."
9. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
10. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation
marks in the air with his fingers.
11. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since
2:25 PM."
12. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge,
"Whatever."
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with
the little hammer, right?"
=====================================
Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum, and one named No Cum. No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named
No Cum Tu.
For velly oblious reason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any childlen.
One day, No Cum went out of town on business and I Cum came over and spent the night with No Cum Tu. That night I Cum came and No
Cum Tu came, too. This make both velly happy.
However, about 7 or 8 months later, No Cum see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby come he named it
How Cum U Cum.
Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came, but to this day No Cum not know how How Cum U Cum came!
========================================
Ted: "I see you bought a new car. What's the make?"
Blondie Sue: "A Perndle."
Ted: "A what?"
Sue: "A Perndle."
Ted: "I've never heard of a Perndle before."
Sue: "Me either, but that's what it says, right over the steering
wheel."
Ted: "It says *what* over the steering wheel?"
Sue: "The name of the car. It's spelled out, right above the steering
wheel and right beneath the speedometer: P-R-N-D-L."
=================================
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

Did you hear about the blonde that gave the guy a blowjob while he was
driving?
They both fell off the motorcycle
======================================
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits
the bartender comes over, and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer, too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please,"
and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for
payment.
The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says
I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again."
The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the
man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact
change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
==========================================