[bonyhadi]

You know you are old when it takes you all night to do what you used to
do all night long.
=======================

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wants a virgin bride.
Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen. The
doctor told her that would cost around $500, but there was another way
that will cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor
worked on her for several minutes.

After the "first night", the woman came back to the doctor and told him
that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. She
asked him how he did it.

"I tied your pubic hair together," he answered.
==========================
In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month program that was carefully
designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural
populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of
condoms and birth control pills. The people were encouraged to
faithfully practice these techniques.

The following year, the program was declared a complete failure; the
birth rate had actually increased.

The experts were puzzled, until a survey was conducted. The survey
revealed that most of the rural Chinese people were faithfully following
the birth control techniques; 79% of the men were taking the pill every
day, and 98% of them were carefully putting a condom on their index
fingers before sex - just as demonstrated on TV.
===============================
One night this guy was waiting in line to get in the movies. The guy
behind him was pushing and shoving up against him. Several times he told
the guy to get lost, each time a little less politely. Finally he turned
around and said, "Look, buddy, if you don't stop pushing me, I'm going
to shove my umbrella straight up your ass!"

The other guy said, "Oh, yeth, pleathe, and then open it thlowly!"
================================

Barbie's Nasty Christmas Letter To Santa

Dear Santa: Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I
hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here
by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much
smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up
your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and
MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And
what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically
correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an
advertising account exec.

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough
ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and
handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If
you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie
****************************************
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One
burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to
squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.

"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."
============================================
Yesterday scientists at a major university revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of lager and observed that 100 per cent of them gained weight, talked incessantly
without making sense, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.
================================
It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son

in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

"I want a good picture, so try to make this look natural," she
said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."

The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him
put his hand in my pocket?"
================================
It's spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are
wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his
eyes.
His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were
supposed to?"
"Hibernate? **** Ma, I thought you said masturbate!"
=================================

What's the difference between a Jewish mother and an elephant?
Elephants eventually forget.

If Tarzan and Jane were Polish, what would Cheetah be?
The smartest of the three.
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