[bonyhadi]

Bob goes to pick up his date for the evening.
She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.
Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him.
He decides that he can let a little fart out
and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
Bob farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
Bob thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it."
He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts.
Finally the woman yells,
"Dammit Spot, get down before he ****s on you."
====================================
A prominent television writer was being ministered to by a talented prostitute. She was giving him a total body tongue job, more
commonly known as a trip around the world. At the same time he was arguing on the telephone with a collaborator over a plot twist on a
new television
drama on which they were working jointly. The argument got so heated that the prostitute looked up from her work and complained,
"Damn it, man, argue on your own time!" The writer bellowed into the phone, "We're going to do it my way!"

And then he turned to the girl. "And you... you keep a civil tongue in my ass!"
-------------------------------------
A blonde walks up to a guy on the beach in a blue bathing suit and says,
"Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?"

He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
===============================
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little
kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a
start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's
not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm
eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the
connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly.

"That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34
cats."
================================================== ==
Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic young preacher
raised himself to full height, leaned over the pulpit and boomed,
"Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed
adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mouf."
===========================================
Used to be, if someone was weaving all over the road, he was drunk.
Now, he is probably just on the cell phone.
===================================
Marketing

You go to a party and you see a sexy girl across the room. You go up to
her and say "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?".

That's DIRECT MARKETING.

You go to a party and you see a sexy girl across the room. You give your
friend a tenner. He goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great
in bed, how about it?".

That's ADVERTISING.

You go to a party, you see a sexy girl across the room. She comes over
and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?"

Now, that's THE POWER OF BRANDING!
=====================================
Q. What did the blonde say while watching the porn movie?
A. "There I am!"
-------------------------------
Pleasing

A man and his new bride took great pride in never having had illicit sex
with each other prior to their wedding. In fact, they had never even
seen each other naked until that day.

As the woman was getting undressed, the man stood and watched, enjoying
the sight for the first time. As the woman stood naked in her glory, she
told him that it was now his turn. Slowly he removed his tie, and shirt.

Then he took of his trousers and socks. Finally, he lowered his boxers.

The woman, staring in shock, could not believe how tiny he was.

"Just whom are you supposed to please with that little thing?" she
cried.

The man smiled and proudly replied, "Me!"
====================
Bob: Did you ever have a pet name for your ex?
Jim: Hmmm! Does "Asshole" count?
********************************************
Q. What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and Viagra have in common?
A. They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.
======================================
"I married a younger man. Five years younger than I am. I figure it like this: If you can't find a good man, raise one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The couple entered the resort's swanky dining room. "I'm sorry," apologized the headwaiter, "but there are no tables available."

"One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up.
"I happen to be Gregory R. Carutheres, the sportsman."

"I'd like to accommodate you, Mr. Caruthers, but there just isn't a table available this evening."

"I bet if President Johnson came in and asked for a table, there'd be one available."

"Yes-s-s," the other admitted, "I suppose there would be a table available for President Johnson."

"Good! I'll take it. The President isn't coming!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere..." Written just below it "I do not"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"No need for me to come out to the house," the doctor told the worried caller. "I've checked my files and your uncle isn't really ill at all - he just thinks he's sick."
A week later, the doctor telephoned to make sure his diagnosis had been correct. "How's your uncle today?" he asked.
"Worse," came the reply. "Now he thinks he's dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes. "Help me!
Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!"

"You ain't being robbed, slut!" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!"

The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How women could want sex less often than Oreos, right there and then, shows why our society is in such a state of disarray and chaos. Frankly I personally find it
disgusting.
How normally fine , moral women, turn into sleazy cream craving lunatics is beyond me. What makes them crave the Oreo so much??? Well Duh, they are better
than men.
What makes them better than men???

10. They don't scream if you twist them too hard.

9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed.

8. They are always good.

7. They go away when you want them too.

6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.

5. Don't have to worry about the last person who ate one.

4. It's always fun to swallow.

3. They never talk.

2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean.

1. The creamy white stuff tastes good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only lawyers get to be judges, and that's the (F)LAW!
=====================================
What It Really Means

Most bachelors have been the victims of a blind date.
Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always
willing to "fix up" unsuspecting bachelors with girls whom
they describe as "perfect for you."

However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine
what these girls may be like. After considerable research, as
a public service, I have attempted to translate some of these
descriptive phrases into plain English:

Dandy little house keeper:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses.

Fine character:
She's ugly.

Knows how to handle money:
She's a spendthrift and great at spending yours.

Spotless reputation:
She's ugly.

Strong family ties:
She's a Mafia Princess.

Loves children:
She's pregnant and needs a husband.

Wonderful personality:
She's fat.

Great sense of humor:
She's fat and will laugh at anything you say.

The outdoor type:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the guys.

Ready to settle down:
She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry.

Likes to have a good time:
She gets drunk a lot.

Lots of fun at parties:
Often makes an ass of herself.

Mature woman:
She's at least thirty but looks at least forty-five.

Has the appearance of a young school girl:
She's at least thirty-three but dresses like a teenager.

Casual:
She dresses like a slob.

Decorated her own place:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty.

A great dancer:
She'll wear the soles right off your shoes.

Not overly emotional:
She cries only twenty-seven times a day.

Doesn't chase men:
She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type.

Seldom dates:
She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something.

Understands men:
She's been married and divorced four times.

A good sport:
She knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under the table.

Looks and dresses like a model:
She's five eleven and weighs seventy three pounds.

Been in show business:
She's a former porn movie star.

Traveled a lot:
She's searched high and low for a husband.

Knows a lot of interesting people:
None of whom would marry her.

Wonderful disposition:
She's ugly.
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