Men What A Gas
http://www.angelfire.com/journal2/So...rit/Men/Gas.ht
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I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink alcohol?"
"Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?
I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf or tennis?" he asked.
"No I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you shop and spend frivolously, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy
men?",
"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."
He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80?"
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At age 47, the Rolling Stones' bassist, Bill Wyman,
began a relationship with 13-year old Mandy Smith,
with her mother's blessing. Six years later,
they were married, but the marriage only lasted a year.
Not long after, Bill's 30-year-old son Stephen
married Mandy's mother, age 46.
That made Stephen a stepfather to his former stepmother.
If Bill and Mandy had remained married,
Stephen would have been his father's father-in-law
and his own grandpa.
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A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator
and gave it to her.
"What's this for?" she asked.
>
"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny."
A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage."Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in
my place when I'm gone."
"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."
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A guy is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a
hooker.
He says, "How much?"
She says, "Twenty bucks."
He says, "All right."
They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night,
he runs into the same hooker. They go under the boardwalk, only this
time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they
get done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.
She says, "What's the extra five bucks for?"
He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."
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Q. What do oral sex and lobster thermidor have in common?
A. You can't get either at home
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Asian Vagina
A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental
courtesan. "Is it true Asian women have vaginas that run sideways?" he
asks.
"Why?" she responds. "Are you a harmonica player?"
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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each
one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you
through sex."
The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm past eighty years old,
and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out
far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
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Somehow We Survived
You lived as a child in the 60s or the 70s. Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have......
* As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
* Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our
bikes, we had no helmets (not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!)
* We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors.
* We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a
few times we learned to solve the problem.
* We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell
phones. Unthinkable.
* We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really hurt.
* We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember
accidents?
* We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
* We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never overweight.........we were always outside playing. We shared one grape soda
with four friends, from one bottle and no one
died from this?
* We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cellular phones,
personal computers, Internet chat rooms, ............... we had friends. We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked
on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world!
Without a
guardian. How did we do it?
* We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the
worms live inside us forever.
* Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.....
* Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.....Horrors.
* Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
* Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind.
* The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law, imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and
new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to. And you're one of them.