[bonyhadi]

Turkey Day Forcast

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report
from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to
email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven
to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and
if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will
slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches
on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry
sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire
area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening,
the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low
of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches
will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days
with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a
warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure
will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
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Penis: The only thing that a woman hopes she will find hard to handle.
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Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.

Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum-sucking,
friggin assholes!
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Our First Encounter

I saw you across a crowded room.
Among all the others that were there,
The lights seemed to shine down on you alone.
I knew then I had to have you for my own.
Willingly, you came with me to my home.
>From the car, I carried you thru the door.
Looking at you, I admire your body, Your well shaped legs, and breasts.
Slowly I remove your wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you
like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin.
>From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to
the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts, then
making your legs glisten with wetness.
Droplets of water cover your taut skin.
My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water.
Making them trickle down off your body.
I place my fingers inside you.
You are warm and moist, so ready.
I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put
inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came
through the door.
As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide.
You are ready now, and so am I.
I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can
take in.
I put in more, you take it willingly.
In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as
far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight.
With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make
you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from
within.
Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and
tender.
I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste
so good.
Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of
savoring you more, with every taste.
"Oh yes," I say to you, "I must say thanks that you are here.
"Thank Heaven for this turkey dinner.... Amen."
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Night Before Thanksgiving


Twas the night before Thanksgiving
and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and *****in'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
This place is a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed,
They expect all the trimmings...who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs,
The dog just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then walks in my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He heaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret,
Says "What's takin' so long? Aren't you through in here yet??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain, and screams
"MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh, ****, it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell!!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
They just leave me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work,
I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!
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The nerve endings," said Gabriel. "How many will I put in her hands?"

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Two-hundred, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.

"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.

"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals," inquired
Gabriel.

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Four-hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.

"Of course. We did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra
pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord.

"Yes, O Great Lord," said Gabriel.

"No, wait!" said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten-thousand.
I want her to scream out my name."
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For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came
home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to strip
naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at
work.
He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his
wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."
Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic. After a
quick peek, he immediately he says, "Leftovers again!"
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A young, attractive woman decides to hang one of her favorite pictures
on her wall and asks her father what she needs to do.
He says to hammer a nail with a large head on it into the wall where
she wants her picture to be located.
After searching endlessly for a "nail with a large head on it" she
gives up and goes out to buy one.
When she reaches the store she sees an old dirty looking man with his
eyes popped out of his head once she entered. Not knowing her way
around a hardware store she is forced to ask him for help.
"Do you have a nail with a large head on it?"
He answers, "I have something with a large head that would be happy to
nail you."
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What does the word S-I-N-G-L-E stand for?
Stay Intoxicated Nightly, Get Laid Everyday
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A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a
co-worker in the hospital.
"How are things at the Office going, Claudia?" she asked.
"Well, they're all sharing your work. Jody is making the
coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Sharon
is making it with the Boss."
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100 Years Ago...

The average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the United States had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three minute call from
Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was ten mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily
populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents,
California was only the twenty-first most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the U.S. was twenty-two cents an hour. The average
U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
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