Subject:
Oil Change.....by Gender
A. Car
Oil Change Instructions for Women
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
3000 miles since the last
oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a
properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
Total $21.00
B. Car Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a
check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil.
Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash container. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow, so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change". Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18
20) Reach for a beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step #11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, ... along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain. Re-shovel oily dirt. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of dirt in yard. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on garage floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag. Slip with stupid crescent wrench, while tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step #31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw 'stupid' crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes, because wrench hit Miss December (1992)in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) More Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps #23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $ 50.00
DUI $2,500.00
Impound fee $ 75.00
Bail $1,500.00
Beer $ 40.00
Total -- $4,165.00