[Dwight]

1. You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run
around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It
keeps me from streaking.

2. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even
get into my own pants.

3. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my
blood alcohol content.

4. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed
with a relative!

5. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on
it..so I said..Implants?"

6. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the
same effect just standing up fast.

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know
me here.

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery
easier to live with.

9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a
screamer or a moaner.

10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport
the terminal?

11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too
many of them get elected!

12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it
has absolutely no trade-in value.

13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and
dip-****'s.

14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it
deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals
you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S
a message!

15. Being married is to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at
the bowling alley.

17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I
am perfect.

18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones
she's been giving me lately!

19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number
of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

20. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I
see so many dead rabbits on the high way?

21. How come we choose from just two people to run for
President and 50 for Miss America?

22. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't
want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear
Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know
where it's been