[Dwight]

Wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight?
Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable
safety
PA (public announcement) from their Flight Attendants. In his own
words....

I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend,and the
flight
attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane
looking
at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Seattle people to look
at
each
other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out
my
laptop
and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a
few
parts
I'm sure, but this is most of it."

BEFORE TAKEOFF)

Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're
going
to
San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to
San
Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to
tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most
important safety feature we have aboard is ...... The
Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the
wings,
and
one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit
rows,
please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really
bad
idea.
Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.
Count
the
rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need
arises
to
find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking
lights
on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White
ones
along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will
drop
down
over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the
flight
attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen
there,
I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who
is
acting
like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask
first.
If
you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment
now
to
decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first and then
work
your
way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety
features
of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own
personal
summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures.
Please
take
it out and play with it now.
Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened
low
and
tight about your hips. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab
into
the
buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like
your
car,
because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no
smoking
in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we
will
assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we
provide.
There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each
wing
exit.
We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ...hold on, let
me
check
what it is .. Oh here it is ...the movie tonight is "Gone With the
Wind."
In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going
to
get
really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would
be
a
good
time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button
turns
on
your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you
absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for
choosing
Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's
anything
we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to
ask.
If
you
all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing
ovation,
wouldn't you?
(AFTER LANDING)

Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the
bumpy
landing. It's not the Captain's fault. It's not the Copilot's
fault.
It's
the Asphalt."

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no
time
in
history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't
even
try. Also, please be careful opening the overhead bins because
"shift
happens."