[Ibr8k4vetts]

> Tuesday, November 16, 2004 The Columbus Dispatch by JOE BLUNDO
>
>
>
> The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
> has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols
> to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is
> prompting the exodus among left leaning citizens who fear they'll soon
> be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
>
>
>
> Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
> professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields
> at night.
>
>
>
> ''I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
> producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield,
> whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and
> hungry.
>
>
>
> 'He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When
> I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him
> my screenplay, eh?"
>
>
>
> In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
> fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers
> that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.
>
>
>
> ''Not real effective," he said. ''The liberals still got through, and
> Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
>
>
>
> Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
> near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive
> them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
>
>
>
> ''A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an
> Ontario border patrolman said. ''I found one carload without a drop of
> drinking water. They did have a nice supple little Russian River Pinot
> Noir, though."
>
>
>
> When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
> wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
> have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing
> re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink keg beer
> and watch NASCAR.
>
>
>
> In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes
> ingenious ways of crossing the border.
>
>
>
> Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap
> Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans
> disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began
> stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.
>
>
>
> ''If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show,
> we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
>
>
>
> Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
> creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
> Sarandon movies.
>
>
>
> ''I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just
> can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. ''How many art-history
> majors that went to Columbia does one country need?"
>
>
>
> In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice
> President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that
> the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close
> to Cheney said.
>
>
>
> ''We're going to have some Peter, Paul &Mary concerts. And we might put
> some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined
> to reach out."