[cobra de capell]

Things you wish you could say at work:


1. Ahhh...I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

17. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

18. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

19. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

20. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

21. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

22. No, my powers can only be used for good.

23. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication. 24. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

25. Do I look like a people person?

26. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

27. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

28. You!...Off my planet!

29. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

30. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

31. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

32. Allow me to introduce my selves.

33. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

34. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

35. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

36. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

37. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

38. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

39. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

40. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

41. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

42. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

43. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

44. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

45. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

46. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
_____

Women's View of Men

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and theyre always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Slinky toys.
They're not good for much, but they make you smile when they fall down the stairs.
_____

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
_____

One Day at the North Pole...

One Christmas long, long ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. There was one problem after another that year; a few of the best elves came down with the flu, and the trainee elves didn't make toys as fast as the usual guys so Santa was really feeling the pressure of being behind schedule.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that one of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out somewhere. He ran around in a panic until he found them, then went inside and Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit! Needless to say, this stressed poor Santa even more.

Then, when he began to load up the sleigh, one of the runners cracked and the sack fell to the ground and scattered toys everywhere. Fuming, Santa found a couple of carpenter elves to fix the sleigh and went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he found that the elves had been hitting the liquor and there was nothing left to drink. An empty bottle fell out of the cabinet and shattered all over the floor. Scowling, he went to get the broom and found that mice had chewed up the straw and it was hardly usable.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa muttered and cursed to himself all the way to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel there, dragging a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, "I'm running late, where do you want me to put this tree, fat man?"

And that is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree!
_____

Q: What did Buddha say to the hotdog vendor?

A: Make me one with everything.
_____