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Welcome to the Liberal Phone Sex Hotline.

We’re here to indulge all your liberal sexual fantasies. Please listen to the following options:

Press 1 if you want to talk to Sunblossom, our Birkenstock-wearing, patchouli-smelling, hairy-bodied tree-hugging hippie. She’ll tell you all about how eating meat is cruel and how George W. Bush is solely responsible for global warming. If you’re feeling really kinky, she’ll play a recording of Al Gore’s latest speech while you listen to her talk clean and earth safe to you.

Press 2 if you want to talk to Jo, our angry, male-hating, flannel-wearing, combat boot-wearing, mullet-haired lesbian. She’ll tell you how all of the world’s problems are the fault of you and every other disgusting pig of a male like you in the world. She’ll call you all kinds of threatening names and tell you how she can please your wife, girlfriend, sister or mother like no man ever could.

Press 3 if you want to talk to Janeane, our resident whacko. She’ll tell you how she can’t get any decent roles in Hollywood anymore because of the vast right-wing conspiracy run by the neocons. She’ll share her brand of “humor” as she *****es and moans about everything and records all your reactions to play back later on her radio show. But don’t worry, it’s not like anyone actually listens to it. For an extra $1.99 a minute, she’ll tell you juicy details about her past sexual exploits with other “comedians” both male and female.

Press 4 if you want to talk to Madeline, our powerful lobbyist. She’ll tell you how right-wing and Republican lobbyists are the lowest form of life and created from pure evil, but how she and other left-wing lobbyists like herself are sincere people just trying to make the world a better place. Listen as she describes hot pork belly projects and how she lines her sexy pockets with kickbacks and bribes from the same people you voted for. She’ll tell you all about her recent exploits to ensure safer emissions, safer roads and more jobs for Americans as she talks on her cell phone while driving her foreign-built SUV as fast as she can down Rodeo Drive.

Press 5 if you want the privilege of talking to a life-like recording of Barbra Streisand, Susan Sarandon, Annette Benning, and Cameron Diaz having a four-way ***** session about how the Republican government is legalizing rape, torturing innocent people and basically driving this country into the ground. They’ll talk about how abortion should be free and legal and capital punishment should be stopped forever. They’ll discuss how guns should be banned (expect, of course for their bodyguards) and marijuana and cocaine should be legalized. Hot, sexy hypocrisy at its finest!!

Press 6 to listen to Margaret Cho and Eddie Vedder scream profanities about President George W. Bush and all Republicans. Can you take it?

Press 7 if you are into alternative lifestyles and want to hear a three-way conversation with Michael Moore, Al Franken and Garrison Keillor. They’ll be talking about how the United States would be so much better if it were just like Canada. Listen to their quips regarding George Bush, Condoleeza Rice, Dick Cheney and virtually everyone in America who doesn’t agree with them. Lucky callers may even have the experience of these lumpy letharios getting it on with George Clooney. Imagine! A four-way of ignorance and self-satisfaction at your fingertips!! And just because none of these guys has any kind of government experience or a college education doesn’t mean they don’t know more than little peons like you!

(To hear Madonna give advice on how to improve the United States by making it more like England, hang up now and dial 1-900-old-slut.)

Call now! Operators are standing by. Or sitting by. Most likely they will be on one of their many union-mandated coffee or smoke breaks. But keep calling and eventually you might actually get someone motivated enough to actually work. That is if they haven’t taken off early to spend their welfare check.