Not Ranked
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
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Answer phone message:
"If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy."
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
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I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week and pulled a mussel.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*****g bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f*****g bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating b*****d of a f*****g bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
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