[cobra de capell]

Homeland Security is collecting profiles on all air travelers, including such important information as where they sit on the plane and motor vehicle records. They're using this data to create a score to determine whether you're safe to fly the friendly skies, which they will store in a database and then promptly lose the password.

There are no legally published guidelines or SAT prep. The government won't let you see the score they've assigned you, because you might realize "Oh yes. I'm actually a Yemeni sleeper agent. Good thing I found out my score."

We have obtained a leaked copy of the scoring guidelines so you can take this test yourself. The higher you score, the higher your risk. Please don't look at anyone else's paper, and the penalty for guessing is a four-night stay at a hidden interrogation cell in Riyadh.

1. You have a screaming baby. 20 pts.
2. You are a screaming baby. 40 pts.
3. Your first name is Mohammad. 10 pts.
4. The bomb strapped to your chest is for 'self-defense'. 10 pts.
5. You stow your roller bag the wrong way in the overhead bin 30 pts
6. Your last name is Mohammad. 10 pts.
7. You prefer the middle seat. 50 pts.
8. You are a member of the mile-high club? 10 pts.
9. You've illegally downloaded music. 70 pts.
10. You demand the full can of soda during beverage service 20 pts.
11. Finish the sentence: Death to________! America – 50 pts. Britain – 10 pts. France – 0 pts.
12. You watch the inflight movie with your own headphones 20 pts.
13. You watch the entire safety demonstration every time you fly: 25 pts.
14. Both your first name and last name are Mohammad. 30 pts.
15. You ate the entire inflight meal. 40 pts.
16. You haven't illegally downloaded music, but the RIAA sent you a cease and desist letter anyway: 20 pts.
17. You lit matches to cover up for gas after eating the inflight meal. 20 pts.
18. You only have one name, and it is Mohammad 40 pts.
19. You root for the bad guys in "24". 60 pts.
20. You cut me off in the parking lot today: 95 pts.
21. You arrived in America in a shipping container. 20 pts.
22. You asked for a vegan meal. 60 pts.
23. You did the inflight magazine crossword puzzle in pen. 90 pts.
24. You show up 24 hours early to get a good seat when you fly Southwest. 15 pts.

Your Score
0 – you are lying and are a terrorist.
1-200: we're going to adjust your score to inflate our numbers for budgetary purposes.
201- 450: you're probably safe but we'll make you walk through the puffy air machine every time.
451-700: you've racked up enough frequent flier miles to fly free to Yemen.
701 or above: you are such a terrorist you are part of the plot in this season of "24".