[Aussie Mike]

One I've used on many occasions (usually at work).

"You've spray painted a dog turd gold and you want me to believe it's a nugget".

At a work function we were talking about working on cars and stuff in our home work shops etc. A work mates wife turned and said to me "If you were my husband I'd blow up that shed of yours" to which I replied "If you were my wife I'd be in it when it went up".

Cheers