Not Ranked
Two elderly women were in a beauty parlour getting their hair done....when in walks a young chick with a low cut blouse that revealed a rose tattooed on one boob. One lady leaned over to the other and whispers: "Poor kid doesn't know it ... But in about 40 years she'll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket.
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The Spiders
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, we're not having any of that gay **** in our garden.
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ABC's OF AGING
A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget
other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time
(But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my ...
M-memory from time to time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill
and I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my
increasing medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word
"terminal" also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet found
X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one I'm still alive)
Z is for zest, for surviving the symptoms my body's deployed,
and keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed.
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He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . .. They don't have time
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.
She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.
He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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