Not Ranked
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one
another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health
one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a
cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead
right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"I opened a can of peas instead."
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Old-Timers Quiz"
Not that any of you are old, I've always said "Just because I know about World War II doesn't mean I lived through it, I can read you know!"
This is a test for all of you, old and young kids! The answers are printed below,
but why cheat?
01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind.
What did he leave behind? ____________
02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The __________________ Show.
03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."
04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed ____________."
05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, _________."
06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced"
under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "_____________."
07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best _______________."
08. Satchmo was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.
09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?
_______________
10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red
always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and
"_______________".
11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning
their____________.
12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the
front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ & _______________.
13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music
died." This was a tribute to ___________________.
14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians
did it. It was called ___________________.
15. One of the big fads of the late 50s and 60s was a large plastic ring
that we twirled around our waist. It was called the _____________.
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Learning English???
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The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
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Three golfers, Bob, Max, and Ted, are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.
"Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."
Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00, and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday.
"Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But, I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."
The following Saturday, all four golfers again show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they're getting ready to leave, George says, "See you next Saturday. But, I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."
Every week from then on, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message.
After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time and then you beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?"
"Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she's on her right side, I play right-handed."
"So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks.
"Then I'm about ten minutes late."
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