Not Ranked
"OLD" IS WHEN....... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and
you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN...... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your
pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN...... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN...... You don't
care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN....... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN......"Getting a little action" means you don't
need to take any fiber today
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN...... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND
"OLD" IS WHEN…….. You are not sure these are jokes.
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A woman comes home and tells her husband,
"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years?
Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes
home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees
him standing in front of the mirror saying......
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."
'His funeral is next Tuesday....."
_____
An old Cajun was celebrating his 92 years on this Earth. Sitting down, he smiled and spoke to his toes.
"Hello, dere toes!" he said, "how you are toes? You know, you 92 today! Oh, de times we had! Remember when we walk along de bayou wit all dem pretty girls every Sunday afternoon? Dem times we deaux-si-deauxed on de dance floor wit dem same womens? Oh yeah, ahh-heeee!
Happy birthday, toes!"
"Hello dere, knees," he continued. "How you are, knees? You know you 92 today. Oh, de times we had, huh! Remember when we march in de crawfish parade? Oh boy, de hurdles we jumped together me and you. Happy birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch and shook his head. "Hello dere Pierre! You little booger you! Did you know, if you was alive today, you'd be 92
_____
Paddy and Bridget had just got married. It was their wedding night in the bridal suite.
Bridget was lying on her back on the bed in an incredible shimmering silky negligee whimpering "Take me Paddy. Take me now!"
Paddy (having been a good catholic boy) was a virgin and didn't have the faintest idea what to do next. Suddenly he had a brilliant idea. He dashed out of the room and went to reception to ring his mum for advice. Her advice was to put the hardest part of his body into where Bridget pees. Paddy was a bit dubious about this but his mother assured him that Bridget would love it.
Paddy came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Bridget if she was ready.
Bridget shouted, "Yes, Yes, I'm ready!"
Then she watched in amazement as Paddy ran into the bathroom and put his head down the toilet.
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