Neutral
Bill and Sandra were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. Sandra said, "Will we go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon?"
"Uh huh," said Bill
"Will we do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Sandra .
"Uh huh," said Bill.
"And will we make love like we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Sandra.
"That's right," said Bill, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
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Signs that the Recession is Bad...
10. Bill Gates sold his Lamborghini for a Geo.
9. Obama has been told to ration his "Uhhh"s
8. We are running dangerously low on our national stockpile of funk.
7. Obama's betting $50 billion in Vegas this weekend.
6. Money is so tight, Congress gave itself a raise.
5. Rich New Englanders contemplating feeling bad for the poor.
4. Democrats decide to only spend $830 billion in wasteful spending this year.
3. Obama is filmed during a press conference falling to his knees and shouting, "WHY!?"
2. Tim Geithner works the night shift at McDonald's.
1. Californians have again taken to "California Cheeseburgers."
Bonus...
Geitner just found out each Monopoly box comes with $15400 in currency, all for 10.99 at Target. He’s decided the treasury will buy up all the Monopoly games and all will be better.
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Money
It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
So you see money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering!
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you!
Cash only please.
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"Chicken Soup for the Drinker"
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
--by Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure; hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
-- Ross Levy
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--Tee Mans
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine.
--David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin
Scotch - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine.
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