What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies!
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So there's this linguists' convention in Dublin, and one of the visiting professors asks an Irish linguist if there is any word in Gaelic that corresponds to "maņana."
The Irish linguist thinks for a moment, and replies, "well, there is, but it doesn't convey the same sense of urgency.
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Teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by him before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate, so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
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A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman,
"Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.
The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.
"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?"
The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.
The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.
Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman,
"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"
Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.
"That's a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in the morning."
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One day a farm implement salesman visited a new potential customer in hopes of selling him the latest, greatest and most expensive piece of farm machinery his company had ever produced.
He found the farmer sitting in the barn with his head in his hands. The salesman introduced himself and explained why he was there.
"Well," said the farmer, "If you can do something for me, I'll buy one of those fancy gadgets."
The salesman could barely contain his excitement at the prospect of such a huge sale, after all, there was nothing he wouldn't do to make this sale. "Sure," said the salesman, "Just name it!"
"Well," started the farmer, "this morning I came down to the barn to milk Bessie. I put the stool down beside her and the pail under her and was just about to begin milkin' when she got up an' kicked me with her right hoof. I took a piece of rope and tied her right leg to the side of the stall and went around to the left side of her with my stool. I no sooner got sittin' when she got up an' kicked me with her left hoof. I took another piece of rope and tied her left leg to the other side of the stall. Then I took the stool around to the back of her and sat down and was just about to start milkin' when she got up again and swats me in the face with her tail. I didn't have any more rope so I took off my belt and stood up on the stool and proceeded to tie her tail to the ceiling and of course my pants slid down to my ankles. Right then my wife walks in.
Now if you can convince my wife that all I was going to do was milk the cow, I'll buy one of them things."
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