Little child's prayer on New Year’s Eve:
Lord, in this year,
please send clothes
for all those
poor ladies
in Dad's computer.
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Air Force One hybrid by Government Motors
Home Remedies
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1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES.......... THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT.... THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS
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16 Things it took me over 50+ years to learn
By: Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important.)
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes; and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
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There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one
named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female
population and young George was pretty excited.
"Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.
"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're
lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the
ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.
"Okay, I can do that." George answered.
Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just
like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there but Sam
had a few more instructions.
"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one
end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle"
said Sam.
"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.
"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These
gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect
and be polite. OK?" said Sam.
"Sure, sure" says George, "Let's go!"
Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts
at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he
remembers Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is
going along he makes sure to say -
"Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you
ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am..."