Old Jews Telling Jokes
A Frenchman, a German and a Jew walk into a bar.
"I'm tired and thirsty," says the Frenchman. "I must have wine."
"I'm tired and thirsty," says the German. "I must have beer."
"I'm tired and thirsty," says the Jew. "I must have diabetes."
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A Jewish mother gives her son two shirts for his birthday.
The next morning, he comes down to breakfast wearing one of them.
“I knew it!” she moans. “You didn’t like the other one.”
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A manager brings a dog into a night club to perform. The dog is a brilliant piano player---Bach, Beethoven, the works. He's sitting at the piano playing and all of a sudden a big bushy-haired dog comes in and yanks him off the stool and starts dragging him to the door. The owner, horrified, runs to the dog's manager and screams, "Hey, what's goin' on?"
The managers says, "Ah, they want him to be a doctor."
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Jake has just returned home for lunch with his wife and two children from the local Catholic parish church where he has been taking instructions to convert from Judaism to Catholicism.
Today was the day of his baptism, so he was now a committed Catholic.
Lunch had barely begun when his wife said, “Jake, we’ve been married for 22 years now and you’ve never given me money to buy decent clothes. Now that you’re a Catholic give me $100.
Jake gave her the $100 and she dashed out the door.
Daughter Rachael then said, “Dad you’ve never even given me an allowance. Now that you’re a Catholic I want $50 to spend on whatever I want.”
Jake gave Rachael the $50 and she then dropped her fork and ran out the door.
That left Jake and his 17-year-old son.
“Dad, I have never had a decent date where I could spend a few bucks and now that you’re a Catholic how about giving me $50 so I can show my girl friend a good time.”
Jake gave his son, Joel, $50 and watched as Joel ran from the table and out the door.
Jake sat there a few minutes, all by himself, and glanced at his watch.
“I’ve been a Catholic for less than an hour and already these damned jews have taken me for 200 bucks!”
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A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, “Can I park here?” “No” says the cop. “What about all these other cars?” “They didn’t ask!”
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
I asked a Jewish man, “Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?” He said, “Yes”, and walked away.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”
2 Jewish women in New York. One says, “Do you see what’s going on in Poland?” The other says, “I live in the back, I don’t see anything.”
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A man can’t find a lawyer. He picks up the Yellow Pages and he sees the firm of Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. Calls them up and says, “Is Mr. Schwartz in?”
“No he’s out playing golf.”
“Well, is Mr. Schwartz in?”
“No, he left the firm.”
“Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.”
“He is in Detroit and will not be back until next week.”
Ok, how about Mr. Schwartz, then?”
“Speaking.”
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The convict was about to go to the electric chair. He called his lawyer for advice. the lawyer says, “Don’t sit down.”
The food on the plane was fit for a king. “Here, King.”
A panhandler says to me, “Mister, I haven’t tasted food for a week.”
I said, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”
My father was never home; He was always away drinking booze. He saw a a sign saying, “Drink Canada Dry”; so he went up there.
My mother was 88 years old, she never used glasses. Drank right out of the bottle.
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Moishe, the Tailor, finds out his best friend has been bedding his wife.
He spots the guy the next day, and infuriated, grabs him by the lapels and start yelling at him: “You BUM!, You RAT!, say, you call this a lapel?”
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Morris and Abe are walking down the street and pass a church with a sign outside that says, “$1000 to any Jew who converts.” Morris says, “Abe, do you think they’ll really pay it?”
Abe says, “you wait out here. I’ll go in, tell them I want to convert, and I’ll see if they pay me.”
Morris waits outside. And waits. And waits. Finally, two hours later, Abe comes out. Morris asks, “Abe, did they pay you $1000?”
Abe says, “you Jews! All you ever think about is money!”
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Two Jewish tailors who were talking and one says that he just came back from a trip to Rome where he saw the Pope.
The other one says: "What kind of man was he?"
"42 long".
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Sayings of the Jewish Buddhist
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.
The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals.*(You might want to see a specialist.)
The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says, “There is no self.” So, maybe we’re off the hook.
Who/What is That?
A few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the Russians and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family. He was told that he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase. At Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous Customs officer who glared at him and snarled "Open the case!"
Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meagre belongings and pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin. "What is that"
snarled the customs officer.
"What is that?" said Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?', You should ask 'Who is that?'. That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind."
"I always knew that you Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"
A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was confronted by an Israeli customs officer. "Shalom, Welcome to Israel. Open the case!"
Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer came upon the bust. "What is that" said the customs officer.
"What is that?" said Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?', You should ask 'Who is that?'. That is that bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me for most of my life. I want to spit on it every day for the rest of my life."
"I always knew that you Russian Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"
At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got round to unpacking watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes and
then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the table. "Who is that?" asked his nephew.
"Who is that?" said Joseph with a smile. "You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?', You should ask 'What is that?'. That is five kilos of gold"