Not Ranked
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
'I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.'
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Aspire to inspire before you expire.
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My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine.
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Frustration is trying to find your glasses
without your glasses.
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Blessed are those who can give without remembering And take without forgetting.
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The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around
you're not going anywhere.
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God made man before woman so as to give
him time to think of an answer for her first question.
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I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
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Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
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Luxury cars are soon to be a thing of the past. They have always been beyond my means but I took out a luxury car last week, just to drive that sucker. The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained the seats directed warm air to your butt during the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. I stated the car must be a republican car. He asked why I thought it was a republican car, and I explained if it were a democratic car the seats would blow smoke up your a$$ all year.
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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
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A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. All the
hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful
Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No,
I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What
in tarnation is a
taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
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Just wanted to let you know I received my stimulus package yesterday...
It contained watermelon seeds, Cornbread mix, and Ten coupons to KFC.
Directions were in Spanish.
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Psalm 2008 - 2012
PSALM 2008-2012: FIRST BOOK OF DEMOCRAT
OBAMA IS MY SHEPHERD,
I SHALL NOT WANT.
HE LEADETH ME BESIDE STILL FACTORIES.
HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.
YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE BREAD LINE,
I SHALL NOT GO HUNGRY.
OBAMA HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,
MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,
SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME
ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE.
THE DEMOCRATS AND I WILL LIVE FOREVER
IN A RENTED HOME.
BUT I AM GLAD I AM AN AMERICAN,
I AM GLAD THAT I AM FREE.
BUT I WISH I WAS A DOG
AND OBAMA WAS A TREE
'A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.'
-Thomas Jefferson -
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