Not Ranked
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.....................
'Grandpa ....... Go home! You're drunk'
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Man goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am, but let me ask you
something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
"And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then,
why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
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Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when 40 people from Detroit showed up.
Never having seen anyone from Detroit at heaven's Door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.
A few minutes later, St. Peter returned to God, breathless, and said, 'They're gone!'
'What? All of the Detroiters are gone?' asked God.
'No!' replied Saint Peter. 'The Pearly Gates!'
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Subject: Garden of Eden Story
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain,' reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see, where did I put the useless boob?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the story about the rib?
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