Putting a twist on the camping experience
A tourist hiking in rural Wales comes across a man crouched behind a sheep, holding it still.
"Excuse me", says the tourist, "Are you shearing?"
"F**k off" comes the reply. "Find your own!"
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I become confused when I hear the word "Service" used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue "Service"
US Postal "Service"
Telephone "Service"
Cable TV "Service"
State, City, County Public "Service"
Customer "Service"
None of these are what I thought "Service" meant
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
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Engineering Down Below
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong
place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort
in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and
building improvements
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it
going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey things are going great We've got air conditioning,
flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what
an engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers,
"Yeah right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this, "have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama".