The POOL ROOM

[jcraigau]

....A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK ! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out !"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man ?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios !"

[Rog246]

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

"Have you ever seen a hundred dollar note all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 60,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

Rog

[letsboogie351]

When I was young and had no sense
I had a piss on an electric fence
It tickled me prick and shivered me balls
And made me sh*t me overalls!

[jcraigau]

What ever happen to the blogs.
When I click on the link in the bar I get : Database error
The Club Cobra database has encountered a problem.

It's been like that for a while now. I was going to update a new blog but can't.

[Rog246]

Originally Posted by letsboogie351

When I was young and had no sense
I had a piss on an electric fence
It tickled me prick and shivered me balls
And made me sh*t me overalls!

ROFLMFAO

I know someone who did just that !

Wiring up the urinal at a B & S Ball is an old trick, once you start to pee you just can't stop until your bladder is empty !!
Reckon it must smart a bit though
Rog

[OZCOBRA]

One of the pickers on the farm used to go for a Pi$$ on the back of the lunch shed and you could smell it & hear it while eating Lunch....needless to say the the old truck batteries gave him quite the sensation!!

[Rog246]

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember

[Legless]

Hi all,
I was down in Tassie last week and stumbled across a middle stage of the Wrest Point Targa
We waited at the designated start to see what turned up, here is a sample, no Cobras but an eclectic range of cars.
I think the Lambo won the stage and Targa, maybe the 240z got second. I wouldn't like to be driving that Fiat

cheers

[letsboogie351]

The Funeral

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his
coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red
roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their
good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the
heart closed again.
It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by
his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked:

"Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a
gynaecologist..........."

[Rob. Smith]

RE the Fiat...it's just about to devour the Camaro......remember that car add ? I can't remember what car though.

[Rog246]

Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat, these quips hit the internet


"I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse..... I guess Tesco just listened!

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had £5 each way!

Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ...
I still have a bit between my teeth.

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco.
Her condition is said to be stable.

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... AND THEY'RE OFF"

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

Said to the missus, These Tesco burgers give me the trots....

"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian"..... (This one is particularly clever)

A cow walks into a bar.
Barman says, "Why the long face?"
Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit....
Talk about flogging a dead horse!

[Rog246]

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the
limbs.

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorious home that completely
acquits him of his girlfriend's murder....Footprints.

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes,
who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Oscar Pistorius has murdered his girlfriend. Proof that even a man with no
legs has a better shot than Fernando Torres.

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

Surely Oscar Pistorious cant be the first man to wake up legless on
Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone
else!

I take it Oscar Pistorius' girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.

What's the first thing they are going to give Oscar Pistorious in prison? -
The bottom bunk.

Guys with disabilities are always overcompensating.
When I first saw Reeva Steenkamp, I said "I'd tap that".
Oscar Pistorius said "I'd double-tap that".

Oscar Pistorious a man who has made a giant f**k up but who can't yet be
classed as having shot himself in the foot.

And the Oscar goes to ......(drumroll)...... JAIL.

If we've learnt anything from today's tragedy, it's that if you can't walk
the walk... shooting your girlfriend in anger won't really get you very far
either.

South African Olympic hero Oscar Pistorius suspected of killing his
girlfriend. Police are stumped about his motive.

Oscar Pistorius jokes are statistically twice as funny as Heather Mills
jokes.

Roses are red,
My legs are Blades.
Sorry I shot you,
I thought you were spades.

[letsboogie351]

Bill, a blacktracker, never got along with his constable. He resented being called Abo, blackie or ******. One day, while they were tracking a couple of drunks who’d escaped from the local lock-up, Bill spotted the legendary yellow-belly goanna.

Legendary, because traditional belief holds that whoever catches this rare creature is granted three wishes. At the same time, twice as much of the same wish is granted to whomever you hate the most.

So Bill caught the goanna and, twirling it round by the tail, wished aloud, “I want a big house.” Lo and behold, a big house appeared from nowhere along with two big houses for the constable.

“****!” said the constable. “Girls, Billy, girls! Wish for some sheilas!”

“Okay, okay”, said Bill. “I want a hundred beautiful girls”. Instantly, 100 pulchritudinous women appeared by Bill’s house and 200 beside the constable’s houses. Just as the constable was about to go rushing in the front door with some of his girls, Bill gave the goanna another twirl and whispered his third wish.

“I want my sex urge reduced by 50 per cent”

[Rog246]

A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.




Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says,
"Congratulations, your wife has had quins", 5 big baby boys.

The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."
The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, they're all black."

[letsboogie351]

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on
her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the
shop, put out his hand and said "350".
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
“Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said “He’s got one hanging there!"
The boss said "Go back in and give him $3.50, he's the window cleaner!"

A man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where
he is going at this time of night.
The man replies,
"I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it
has on the human body".
The officer then asks,
"Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies,
"My wife."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening."

[Rog246]

The Outhouse

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"


"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"


Pa proceeds to pull his head out ofthe hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! Mybeard is stuck in thecracks in the toilet seat!"


To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"

[Rog246]

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH(always pronounced as GO )


Who thinks up these things!!!!!!!!!!!!

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh




I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh

[letsboogie351]

An Abo walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is $200,000 a year'.

The Abo said 'You're bull****ting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'


Talk about friggin' Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder... I recently came back
from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.

Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night
of hot passionate sex with her.

Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head and I shot her.

I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick?" It's not yours is it?

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

[Legless]

'pulchritudinous'

WTF!

[Rog246]

yep................that would do it for me !
They both looked pretty damned fine to me !!
(that would be the left one AND the right !!