My dad's girlfriend died

[Scott S]

Short story, dad retired, dad got bored, dad found girlfriend, mom after 46 years left dad, girlfriend moved in, girlfriend died suddenly last Monday.

Dad will turn 79 this week and just realized he is broke, the IRA is gone, his property is mortgaged, he has credit lines he didn't know he had..most likely back $600K...

My sister warned him, he disowned her, I warned him, he told me to mind my own business as the GF was the most honest person he ever met...

Yesterday he reminded me that he cosigned a loan of $10K for me 30 years ago(and gave me a blistering rebuke at the time) today he asked me to cosign for $75K.

I asked to see his finicals first, if you look closely I am sure you can see the mushroom cloud over NW Oregon still.

So...what would you do?

Scott S

[392cobra]

Scott,
I'm sorry you and your family are having to go through this with your Dad.

Your Dad has been acting irresponsibly for some time. There is no reason to believe he is going to start being rsponsible now with your credit at risk.
I would not co-sign,period. You will end up with damaged credit and paying the $75k yourself in the end. You would be better off just giving him the money.Then expect him to be back for more and having an enemy if you don't give more.

I would see that see has a roof over his head and food but nothing more than that.

Tough love time.

[Buzz]

I would have done anything for my father (he died 2 years ago) - But then he was a wonderful old soldier whose highest priority was his family and he treated my mother like a queen right up to the day he died.

I don't know how I would deal with your dilemma because I have no points of reference and simply cannot relate, but I do feel for you buddy. At the end of the day your relationship with your father is unique to the two of you and only you will know what is the right thing to do. Maybe try conferring with the rest of the family to devise a joint rescue strategy that won't place you in financial jeopardy. Good luck Scott and sorry you have to go through something like that.

[392cobra]

Maybe you could front him the money to take a vacation down in Florida and he could get a Rich GF this time .

[Tommy]

What follows is not advice. It is just how I see things.
1. I never lend a friend more than I would give him. That way, if he doesn't pay it back, I haven't lost both the money and the friend.
2. There comes a time in many people's lives when the child becomes the parent. The nature of the relationship is determined by who needs what from whom.
3. I've never felt obliged to like or support an adult because we were related. I base my decisions on whether I like them rather than how we happen to be related.

[427sharpe]

Like many, I have a hard time relating (parents married over 60 years, both gone now). I would use the money to hire a good lawyer and find out how she opened lines of credit using his reference...maybe some false signatures out there? For 600k I would definitely have someone with a microscope go over the contracts and put an ad in the paper "Not responsible for any debts other than my own' to get the ball rolling dad's way. As for co-signing, I remember a finance professor from college: 'Always get one, never be one." I would have to help out any way I could, but it makes no sense to sign on to a Titanic that has already hit the iceberg and is sinking fast...and I don't think anybody knows how deep the water is yet!

[Jamo]

For the last 14 years, my brother and I have been co-conservators for my 80 year old mentally disabled uncle who understands very little English. He lives with my Mom, who is 85 and hard of hearing (and too damn stubborn to get a hearing aid). We grew up working with him in the tomatos and vineyards, and my Mom was the packinghouse boss (she still thinks she's the boss).

We grew up with at least one grandparent in a rest home at all times...my maternal grandmother lived in one until she was 105. My Dad's father came to the packinghouse everyday until he was 89, hard of hearing, but he'd still try to lift packed lug boxes, before he finally ended up in one.

I really have a hate for rest homes.

In other words...my brother and I have been dealing with this stuff our whole damn lives, and it gets tough...real phuking tough...at times. My uncle wasrecently in the hospital for several weeks and is working to get his legs back from laying in bed with therapy...means I've had to clean him up more than a few times.

And when you're doing your damndest to help, that's when they treat you like sh!t the mostest. I call it adult child abuse.

...and my cousins are all doing the same thing with their folks. My wife's dealing with her Dad since her Mom died a couple of years ago...same stuff.

I wished the hell my Dad hadn't left us so early (he was only 69), although he would've been the worst of the lot.

No, you don't just sign anything he puts in front of you, and yes you're going to go through some of the deepest regions of hell...but don't disengage. Do what you can to work around the roadblock financially...a line of credit that requires your signature for draws, for example, if you ultimately need to help him get some funds to get by. If you think he's really unable to take care of himself...the take over formally (doesn't mean you're taking his debt).

I also like the idea of getting an attorney specializing in the elderly to take a look at some of the stuff he's on the hook for, or utilize some credit counseling service or a financial advisor. If he needs to file BK, then so be it. He's probably going to listen to somebody else better than he'll listen to you even though it's the same message.

As for the guilt trip...hey, that's the only thing they have left to use. Don't give into it, but understand it...don't battle it; work around it.

So Scott, you ask what you should do? Ya just do, but in a rational way, and get some help in managing the situation.

But don't give up on your Dad. Do you know how phuking tough it must've been for him to even ask you for help?

[Ron61]

Scott,

I am really sorry to hear of your loss and the situation that you are in. I pretty much went the way Jamo did except he has more people to watch over. I took care of my Mother and Father the later years of their lives and the last two for my Father were bad. He had heart trouble and was in and out of the hospital it seemed on a weekly basis. And as he grew worse he became almost impossible to get along with. I never loaned them any money but paid all of their debts and built this house that I now live in for them. My mother was very nice right to the end but my Father sometimes made me want to scream at him or something but I would just walk off until I could get calmed down. I can't give you any advice except maybe expect it to get tougher as it goes along. Sorry to word it that way, but do take Jamo's advise as he has laid it out very well. I was also railed at by so called friends because I refused to put my Mother or Father in one of these crappy rest homes they have up here. And boy do I ever remember cleaning up after my Father's messes, especially when he got to the point he couldn't even get up on the bed by himself. Sorry for the long post, but it may help to know that some others have gone through similiar things.

All the best and I hope that things will get better.

Ron

[Wayne Maybury]

Scott

You have already received lots of good advice here. Not much I can add except that I would suggest not co-signing any loan. Give (don't lend) your dad whatever you can afford and what he really needs. Get a lawyer to find out what the $600K debt is all about, where did the money go? what was it used for? and what legal obligations your father really has.

Get ready for the guilt trip as it is coming but understand that all you can do is to love your father and do the best you can for him.

Wayne

[Dan40]

I'm with post #5.
It is Tough Love time.
You are now the parent and your Father is now the child. You need to be a tough parent. Sadly, more tough than loving.

Also follow the other advice and get a lawyer and find out what happened.

[Jamo]

You know, I just realized I pretty much described what it's like moderating the Lounge.

[1ntCobra]

If the GF (and Dad) spent that money buying some assets, maybe you could sell them? On the other hand if all the money was spent on gambling and vacations, well...

[Wayne Maybury]

Originally Posted by Jamo

You know, I just realized I pretty much described what it's like moderating the Lounge.

Then it is a thankless job, isn't it?

My parents were living in an old folks home not too far from us. I was working really hard at work and raising a family at the time. My wife used to visit my parents almost every day and I would go at least once every week. This one time I had been particularly busy, travelling, etc and about 10 or 11 days went by between my visits. When I walked in my mother said "I am really glad to see you, if you had come soon, I would have forgotten who you are". Sometimes you just have to take it and turn the other cheek.

Wayne

[gt500bill]

My dad remarried after my mom died and the b__tch convinced him that if something happened to him we would pitch her out of the family home we grew up in. So he deeded her half the house. 1 month later she announced she had cancer and she was moving in with her kids and was leaving her half to her kids. She divorced him and tried to get half of his life savings also, but we were too quick for her to get anything. Dont sign anything . Provide him a place to live and food if you deem proper.

[Bill Bess]

Jamo is right on, our parents are the reason we are in this world to begin with, they raised us to be honest, productive, and good citizens, we owe them. As they age and become unable to take care of themselves we must take over.

Just smile, and remember when they were young and incharge and then help them as much as you can.
Get a lawyer, get thier finances in order and deal with it.
It will make your life much happier, but certainly not easier.

God will understand. Bill

[1ntCobra]

If you Dad is broke and deeply mortgaged, I would be asking what he planned on using the $75k for. Is he going to try to live off that money for a few years?

Perhaps you should figure out if he is upside down (owing more than his assets are worth). Maybe he should sell his house and see if there is anything left over to move to a smaller place. If there is nothing left over maybe he could move into a room in your house?

[RICK LAKE]

Scott S. Scott I lost my dad 3 years ago when I went to the run&gun. I got the call thur morning at the track. Thanks to Cloris, Jay, Lew, and couple of others, they loaded my stuff back on the trailer. Thery offered to drive my stuff home and even fly me home and lock up my stuff at the track for a week. Thanks for the offer, Tim and Dan. I drove 18 hours straight home. It rained the whole way home. I had a fight with him before I left to go racing. 2 Irish/german men bang heads. I have not forgotten the fight or him everyday I am on this planet. I miss that SOB, he wasa my only father. I am having the same problem now with my mother. She is 80 and ripping apart my relatationship with my other half. We do the cooking, running her to doctors, getting food and cook it and having her ***** about how it taste. Biting our lip gets real tuff after a while. She is sitting on about 3/4 of a million dollars and is just pissing it away. This is the only controll she has on us. She has changed the will 8 times in the last 6 months. I told her we don't need her money and don't care about it. Deb and me live well within our means.
Here the best thought I have on your problem. bank rupt the whole mess. give the bank the house and any else in his name. If there is any thing of value remove it from the house before forcloser. Walk AWAY. You can't get blood from a rock. Tell the credit card companies it's their fault for giving all this money to him without any control and extend a credit line with no job and retired. give him 2 choices, live with you under YOUR RULES and LAWS or see if someone else would take him. If he was in the services he might be able to get something out of the military. The other is show him the road and walk away. Yes I know this is brutial, but you are being pinned into a corner with no options. Under no conditions give him any money. I would try and track down and find out what happened to the money. There has to be a trail, credit cards, bills, medical, trips, jewelry, something. No matter what happens he should still get SS if he put into it. You are in a bad way and your love for your father could break you too. It is harder to do the right thing than do the easy way out. You have alot of people here to talk too about this. good luck Rick L.

[Scott S]

Thanks all, right now I am trying to get a credit report done to see what may be hidden. It turns out she had a full POA to sign for my dad. Every once in awhile true evil rears it's ugly head, I just wonder why so many can recognize it and my dad couldn't. My dad and her didn't have a "relationship" she was more like a live in bookkeeper and kept house poorly.

Scott S

[Jamo]

Well just remember you won't be the first nor the last to deal with stuff around here, so feel free to rant about it...we soitenly understand.

Rick...so your Dad couldn't deal with your long paragraphs either?

Similar story...saw my Dad in the Visalia hospital in his latest series of strokes. Seemed ok, though several strokes had left him weakened and without full use of speech (I always shed a tear when I watch Legends of the Fall...Hopkins portrayal of the father at the end was how my Dad was).

Anyway, The next morning, I got up real early and drove all the way down to El Centro, on the border...8-9 hours or so. I had negotiations with the Teamsters. As I pulled up in front of their hiring hall, I got a call from my Mom telling me that the doctor said Dad was in his final hours and to come home. I literally called the Teamster office from outside their front door and told the secretary-treasurer what was up (he looked out the front window and waived) and made a u-turn and drove all the way home. He offered to have a driver take me home, and told me to use his name and the Local No. on the CB to get any help I needed.

Dad was in a coma and passed on the next day without ever waking again. Sorta sticks with you...

[427sharpe]

Scott, I think you have started on the right path...find out how deep the water is FIRST before diving in. From my perspective, I just could not have taken the hard ass approach with Dad. I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. I think since she had POA, his best hope is bankruptcy, and that will cost 2-3 k now. I certainly don't know the situation other than what you described, but did she have kids or relatives she was sending the loot to? It is a long shot, but maybe a sincere letter to them may dredge up ONE honest one that would return SOMETHING of what she stole.
As for your dad, maybe another perspective...sometimes when my father was the most obnoxious he was really pissed at himself for making a mistake and had nobody else to take it out on but the kid trying his best to help. Is that possible here? Reality can be a bitc* when you wake up from a dream to a real-life nightmare.....
Keep on strokin', man, you're doing well!