Parent slipping away...

[Scott S]

Haven't posted for what seems forever though I do keep abreast of the goings on.

My mother is slipping into the abyss of Alzheimer's, she is 76 still driving, cares for own home, has a kept appearance both home and herself, but is failing to remember the simplest of names and having trouble even knowing she has grandchildren.

Today we found a traffic ticket in her car for failing to stop for a school bus. She has no recollection of the event or what she should be involved with for dealing with the court.

Yea I know I should take the car away, my question is has anybody here done so and how did you go about it?

Gawd,

Scott S

[Silverback51]

Yep, mom was 89 when we took her car away. In the last year she had received 3 tickets, all for speeding in school zones. Up until then she had never received a ticket.

It's hard to do, but it has to be done. You will never forgive yourself if she kills or injures herself or someone else.

[Ron61]

Scott,

I am really sorry to hear about your Mother. I never had to take my Mother's drivers license but she didn't drive more than a block for the last 6 months of her life as I tried my best to make sure she had no need to drive. She never had Alzheimer's but was getting to where she would let her mind wander as she would be thinking of other things instead of driving. As John said, some things are really hard to do but it is better to do it than regret not doing it later. All the best to you and your Mother.

Ron

[Gaz64]

Scott,

I feel your pain, I'm sorry to hear about your Mother.

My Mum now at the age of 77 has similar symptoms of late, hasn't fully recovered from a hip replacement and a fractured tibia, (one after the other).

I convinced her to give up driving for her own safety and the safety of others, we sold her car of which she only clocked about 60 miles per month, which gave her some more "living" money.

She hasn't regretted doing any of the above, she understands it's for the best.

Sit down with your Mum, discuss the "for and against" issues and the repercussions it may have if she won't relent.

Hope this may give you some guidance.

All the best to you and your Mother.

[Bill Bess]

I went through the same situation with my mother, at first she couldn't pass the written test for her lic. renewal. Next, she had trouble passing the actual driving test..she claimed the tester was the problem....on and on. Soon I realize she was forgeting things and making excuses, like I don't go to the doctor anymore because I'm feeling fine.
Anyway, I suggest you sit her down, get her complete trust, and then start making sound decisons based on changing conditions. If she trusts you completely, she will be much happier and safer.
Smile, it's just part of life and we all are challenged by these events. Good luck, Bill

[FWB]

hire an attorney first.....prepare some documents to give you legal right to make decisions on her behalf......take control slowly one step at a time or you'll piss her off.

[LoBelly]

Hi Scott

Looking back taking away driving will be the easy part and only the start of a lot of other hard descisions.

My top 3 tips from my experience (with father in law)

Please make sure you have arranged for the legal authority to act on her behalf and can produce evidence of this when dealing with the world at large
(cache of authorised/witnesses or notarised copies for their file very handy or the original for them to take a copy [while you're standing there] also good)

Nutrition (or lack of) makes an extrodinary difference to cognitive function in the aged, if she starts to loose weight she can spiral downward quickly.
Two days after a 'normal' weekend visit popped in to find FIL crouched in a room in distress - took him to respite where he was taken off all his medication and simply fed correctly and his health, conversation and behaviour recovered astonishingly.

Start looking into accomodation - this bites
It is the acknowledgement you don't want to make - it will take a long time to get right so starting early and getting informed is imperative.

Good luck

LoBelly

[jayscobras]

I was my mom's primary caregiver for two years before placing her in a skilled nursing facility two years ago.

Here is a suggestion for you any any others going through these trying and tough times. Obtain a copy of the book "A 36 hour Day". It was compiled by Johns-Hopkins and every time it is reprinted it is updated. The name relates to what caregivers feel their day is like. It is not a read every word type reference but it does cover everything imaginable and it will give you a new outlook on some issues.

Keep your patience in check and don't be angry if you are questioned, tested or have rank pulled on you. It is the disease not the familly member that you are dealing with. If you have sibbllings they must all be on the same page and understand the disease not be in denial. Get an exact diagnosis of their condition. Do not guess.

Try to look for humor with the patient every day. Take your feelings off your shoulders.

Good luck for the disease is the worst. There will be two deaths. First the personallity then the person. My prayers are with you.

Jay

[Silverback51]

My wife has a saying that describes these situations rather well.

The children become the parent, and the parent becomes the child. It's very true.

[vector1]

take the car away before something bad happens, then you will really hate yourself. i've seen it happen!

[Flygirl]

Oh, I'm sorry. My Aunt is in her late 80s and in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's. It's heart wrenching.

In her case, she never learned to drive and so never lost the privilege.

[GoMangoMan]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. My aunt suffered with this when she was in her mid-70's. My cousin didn't want to take the car keys away until my Aunt became disoriented and lost in her own small town. Luckily she was driving past my parents house several times and my Mom (her own sister) flagged her down. Although she didn't recognize my Mom, she pulled over and parked until my cousin could come over to get her home safely.
Jay and LoBelly have offered excellent advice. Good luck to you.

[Archrms]

I went through this same thing with my grandmother. As said previously, if you do not have power of attorney for her, do so as soon as possible. It will make things easier when you have to over-ride her decisions, both legal and medical. Her doctor should be authorized to revoke her drivers license. Not sure of the exact procedure, but he should know. He also has a moral obligation knowing her mental state and that she is still driving. Let the doctor be the bad guy, not you. You need to let her think you are still on "her" side, until she is too far gone to even tell the difference anymore. It will make things easier down the road, as things will only get worse from here.

[Scott S]

Thanks all, you have been very helpful.

Scott S

[PDUB]

Agree that the Doc can/should be the bad guy... that said, each situation is different. One technique we find particularly helpful is distraction. Much like a small child, distraction works to redirect the patient's thought processes to other things, removing the "necessity" to take the car out for a drive. You can head-off the need to go out by making sure that those needs are already met, and that will help.

In the short term, you might consider temporarily disabling the car, so as to take the pressure off you, should she not want to listen to reason... many are unwilling to acknowledge, or are simply unable to recognize, their disability and become agitated and belligerent when discussing it, insisting they are as sharp as ever! That is where we are, so distraction works well. This is called the "long good-bye" for a reason. It is incredibly difficult to deal with the repitition and confusion...

May God grant us all the patience to deal with it! Good luck.