Joke of the Day...

[BigGuy]

Today's Featured Humor : -) - The Official Moron Test




1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?

4. How many outs are there in an inning?

5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?

6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you
get?

7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you
left with?

8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half
an hour. How long will the pills last?

9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are
left?

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?

11. A butcher in the market is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?

12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?

13. What was the President's name in 1960?

Here are the answers:

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No?
...Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
....One (1). You can only be born once.

3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
....Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.

4. How many outs are there in an inning?
... Six (6). Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning.

5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?
...No. He must be dead if it is his widow.

6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you
get?
.... Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60.

7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you
left with?
.Two (2). You take two apples, therefore YOU have TWO apples.

8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half
an hour. How long will the pills last?
.....One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30,
and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only one hour has
passed.

9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are
left?
.... Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die.

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses have on the ark?
..... None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark.

11. A butcher in the market is 5' 10 tall. What does he weigh?
.... Meat ... that is self-explanatory.

12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
..Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? Twelve. It's a dozen.

13. What was the President's name in 1960?
..Georgw W. Bush. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name.





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Ron61]

FISHING

A redneck was stopped by a Game Warden in East Texas recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"No, sir.", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?", asked the Game Warden.

"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "If you don’t believe it, I'll show ya. It really works."

"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

"Well, what?", says the redneck.

The Game Warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH.", replied the warden!

"What fish?", replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees!

[SPF604]

A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban in a fit of rage sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's a trap, there is really two of them!"

Old, but...sincere

[Ron61]

US Marine Gunny

Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a tough old U.S. Marine Gunny were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them
that he would grant them each one last request before they were
beheaded

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of
hot spicy chili."

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the
chili.

Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out
my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the
end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and
Couric dictated some comments.

She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your
final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass!," insisted
the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9-mm
pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting
confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M-4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, "Why
didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick
you in the ass first?"

"What," replied the Marine, "and have you two assholes report that I
was the aggressor?!"

[wtm442]

John Kerry

[SPF604]

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it is, right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The mans looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

[Ron61]

Seeing as how we're on old folks:

Viagra

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one Of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they
are very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, I'd still like to try one,and before we leave
in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning
the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

I know," said Grandpa..........

"The hundred is from Grandma

[cindrrrr]

Jon is working at the lumber mill, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I will see what I can do." Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers." The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It is 2007. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?" Jon says, "Well, ****, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

[Wes Tausend]

Hillary for Prez link...
( http://www.michaelhodges.com/missing.html )

[Rick Parker]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[Ron61]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt's wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me what you mean?"

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more! She pushed her knee and screamed again; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream!

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, 'err, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought as much!" The doctor said ...

"That's a broken finger!!!

[Ron61]

CDC,

For you,

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in
Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to < BR>
radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was
sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been
Feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you
to make you realize it's not so bad after all

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore
you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear
a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite
cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered
industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of
the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a ga rden hose,
which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and
I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start wor k ing, is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my
whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt
started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my
back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it
into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as
fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually
grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the
communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with
five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make
three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes
before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub
it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days
because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, t hin k about
how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love
my job."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a
jellyfish
bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

Ron

[Ron61]

Blonde Cookbook Diary



MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The
recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough
to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve
without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom
brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly
before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath
anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It
said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before
serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the
ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something
wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as
when I left.

SATURDAY:
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He
asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps
counting to ten.

SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all
I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the
hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came
out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am
eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If
I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise
him with chocolate moose.

[double ugly]

Someone emailed this one to me. It's a good one.

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Bob.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said.
"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a
patient."

"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger
than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing
to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and
regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over
me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentlemen, I promise it won't happen
again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied...

[wtm442]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man,
about one Foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano,
setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny
piano bench, Which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing
a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says:

"Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's
a gust of smoke. And a beautiful genie is standing before
him.
"I will grant you one Wish.
Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited.

Without hesitating he says, "I want A million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon
followed By another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled With ducks and they
keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says,
"Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a
million bucks, not a million Ducks."

"No ****!!" says the man,

"Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch Pianist?"

[CobraDan]

Texas Happy Hour

A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas... sign in front of a
restaurant reads:

Happy Hour Special...

Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"

[DAVID GAGNARD]

Since it is tax season....
> Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.

> Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all
ten
>comes to $100.

> If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something
>like this:

> The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
> The fifth would pay $1.
> The sixth would pay $3.
> The seventh would pay $7.
> The eighth would pay $12.
> The ninth would pay $18.
> The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

> So, that's what they decided to do.

> The ten men drank in the bar every day and s eemed quite happy with the
>arrangement, until on day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are
>all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your
>daily beer by $20."Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

> The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so
the
>first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what
>about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the
>$20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realized
>that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from
>everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up
>being paid to drink his beer.

> So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's
>bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts
>each should p ay.

> And so:

> The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
> The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
> The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
> The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
> The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
> The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

> Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four
continued
>to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to
>compare their savings.

> "I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man. He pointed
>to the tenth man," but he got $10!"

> "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar,
>too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!"

> "That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back
>when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

> "Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get
>anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

> The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

> The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat
>down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill,
they
>discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all
>of them for even half of the bill!

>And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our
>tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most
benefit
>from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy,
and
>they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking
>overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

> David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
> Professor of Economics
> University of Georgia

>For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not
>understand, no explanation is possible.

[CobraDan]

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.
He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title

to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property

dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803.
Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received.
I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our damn loan?"

The loan was approved

[Ron61]

Moe and Joe

Two 90 year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe
says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor
league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you
get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball up
there."

Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed," Moe, you've been my best friend
for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep
by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "
Moe--Moe."

"Who is it?, asks Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad
news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's baseball in heaven. Better
yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better
than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time
and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all
we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's byond my wildest dreams!

So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

[Dominik]

:-) next time I read them all, here is my favourite:

Last teusday the 10th, I took my Cobra to the bakery to get some bread rolls.
I examine them and tell the baker:
Hey, they are from yesterday. May I have some from today?
He replies: Come back tomorrow...

Dominik

www.capetownskies.com