Joke of the Day...

[Ron61]

Get Out of The Car!
(This is a true account recorded in the police log of Sarasota , Florida .)
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces further down the parking lot. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter,where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
Moral of the story? If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable.

[Cobrabill]

Subject: Cowboy and indian

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog
and sheep and began a conversation. Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got
there. Mind if I talk to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Indian: Look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: Look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: Total look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."

[Wes Tausend]

...

An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

...

[Ron61]

Blonde jokes!

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a
bench talking, and one blonde says to the other,
"Which do you think is farther away... Florida or
the moon?" The other blonde turns and says
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"


CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died. After he works
on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks
her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied
in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!"


RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to
a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other
side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down
the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's
office and said that her body hurt wherever she
touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left
shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow
and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on
the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded
to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"


IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone
calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY..........
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded
by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"


Every day is a gift! Live well, laugh often, love much.

[Clois Harlan]

Subject: Got To Love Them Old Folks
> Date: Tue, 15 May 2007 12:03:09 -0500
>
>
> >>There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on
the
> >>evils of America . I politely declined to take one.
> >>
> >>An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young
(20'
> ish) female >>protester offered grandma a pamphlet, which she politely
> declined. The young protester put her >>hand on the grandma's shoulder
as a
> gesture of friendship, and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, >>don't
you
> care about the children of Iraq ?' The old woman looked up at her and
said,
> >>"Honey, my father died in Germany during World War II, I lost my
husband
> in
> >>the Korean War and a son in Vietnam . All three died so you could
have
> the
> >>right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me
again.
> >>I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."
> >>
> >> ~God Bless Grandma, and God Bless America

[acecob]

Petros the Archaeologist

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Italian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Italians, in the weeks that followed, Turkish scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters. Shortly thereafter, headlines in Turkish newspapers read: "Turkish archaeologists have found traces of 200-year old copper wire, and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred years earlier than the Italians."

One week later, "The Kathimerni", a Greek newspaper, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30-meters in fields near Athens, Petros Petropoulos, a self-taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Petros has therefore concluded that 300-years ago, Greeks were already using wireless."

Yassou, Petros!

[Ron61]

Garfield on the Gas Crisis


A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Alaska

~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington, DC !!!!

Any Questions ???

[wtm442]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April
1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and
sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert
died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid
down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

[VRM]

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did !

[Dream Master]

The Minister & The Cajun...

A pompous minister was seated next to a Cajun on a flight across
the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Cajun asked for a whiskey and coke, which was brought and
placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he
would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores
than let liquor touch these lips."
The Cajun then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and
said, "****, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

[olddog]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.

" Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I? "

[dave from mesa]

See police officers have a sense of humor too....
These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

[Ron61]

THE BLONDE AND THE ALLIGATOR



A young blonde was on vacation and driving
 through the Everglades. She
wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator
shoes in the worst way, but
was very reluctant to pay the high prices the
local vendors were asking.
 After becoming very frustrated with the "no
haggle on prices" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Well then, maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a
pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile,
 "Little lady, just go and
give it a try!"
The blonde headed out toward the swamp
determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving
home, he pulls over to the
side of the levee where he spots that same
young woman standing waist deep
in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge
9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
 With lightning speed, she takes aim, fires,
kills the creature and hauls it
onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby
were 7 more of the dead
creatures, all lying on their backs. The
shopkeeper stood on the bank,
watching in silent amazement.
 The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto
its back. Rolling her eyes
heavenward and screaming in great
frustration, she shouts out
"Oh come on!!!....... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

[EarlsflyinCobra]

CAR ACCIDENT



After 41 years of accident free driving I finally had a wreck. I am fine, but it was one of those stupid rear end collisions, where it could have been avoided. It was really nobody’s fault.



To my surprise, the guy I hit was a dwarf and he stormed out of his car, stomped back to my car and shouted at me, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"



So, I asked him, “Well, which one are you?"

Learned one thing about dwarfs, they don't have a sense of humor.

[EarlsflyinCobra]

Gotta Love Little Boys
> >>
> >> Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
> >> Tampax, and proceeded to the checkout counter.
> >>
> >> The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
> >>
> >> "Eight," the boy replied.
> >>
> >> The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy
> >> replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my
> >> brother.
> >> He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim
> >> and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

[EarlsflyinCobra]

Irish Catholic Daughter

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Irish daughter had not been to the ouse for 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?

The girl crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad...I became a prostitute..."

'WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a dis-grace to the family - I don't want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur coat, the deeds to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for 5 million pounds. For my little brother, this golden Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership in the Country Club...(takes a breath) - an invitation for you to spend New Year's Eve boardmy new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute Dad...sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be jeebies - You scared me half to death, girl. I thought you said a PROTESTANT!!! Come here and give your old man a hug."

[CobraDan]

Where to Live After Retirement


You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
Will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought


You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.


You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.


You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at
the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

[BJ's Snake]

One from OZ

A teacher asks her class to use the word
"contagious". Roland the
teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got
the measles and my
mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails,
says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round,
and it's
contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad
Dublin accent,
"Our next door neighbour is painting his house with
a 2 inch brush,
And my dad says it will take that contagious."

[CobraDan]

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.



The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says:



"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."



The white man faints and falls to the floor.



The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says:



"What's wrong with you?



In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"



The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....



I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."



The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"

[Cobrabill]

CANNIBAL RESTAURANT

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and
came upon a restaurant Operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat
hungry, he sat down and Looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Grilled Republican: $20.00
Baked Democrat: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
'Why such a price difference For the Democrat?' The cook replied,

"Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so
full of ****, it takes all Morning."