Joke of the Day...

[cobra de capell]

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?
What about those long and boring conference calls?
Here's a way to change all of that:

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

basically
core competencies
best practice
bottom line
revisit

obviously
to tell you the truth (or "the truth is")
24/7
out of the loop
benchmark

value-added
proactive
win-win
think outside the box
essentially

"hit the nail on the head",
"having said that"
"ya know what I'm say'n"
at the end of the day
touch base

he goes/she goes
client focus(ed)
paradigm
"I'm like"
leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "pancakes!"

[Flittleton]

OK I'm In

I was feeling a little down today while traveling overseas.
I called the word help line and they set my call to a Pakistan help desk.
I told them I was feeling suicidal.
They got excited and asked me if I could drive a truck!

[Ron61]

Southern Charm

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an
endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the
California woman started by saying,

"When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for
me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband
bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying 'Who
gives a ****?' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious?'"

[BigGuy]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky .Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax
cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among
millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to
where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe
we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers.
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow".

.

[CobraDan]

Here's the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce...



After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.



Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship (and being married men, we all know THAT doesn't happen), it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.



On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charged $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right?



But...



Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+million).



Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no *****ing and complaining or "to do" lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.* *



Is it just me, or is it better to rent?

[CobraDan]

Why did the chicken cross the road?



BARACK OBAMA:

The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The
chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:

My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need
to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other
side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:

When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross
the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right
from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is
help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'
problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:

Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER-CNN:

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!

It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions.

I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:

That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

DR SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?

Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.
That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as
simple as that.

GRANDPA:

In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C%
........reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE:

I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:

Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:

Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:

Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

[Rick Parker]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' m y wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can th at be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth)


'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. < BR>
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for goodness sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a mom ent?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.


'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.


We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just just . . . excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.


Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. teeny little ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

[emberglo66]

This is what I like about Texans; they get right to the point ,and most of
the time what they say is correct. I sure agree with this one.

T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland, TX, was asked
on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of
torture of the Iraqi prisoners.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous
applause from the audience.

"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's balls to a car's battery cables will
save one Texas GI's life, then I have just three things to say,

Red is positive,
Black is negative,
Make sure his balls are wet."

[emberglo66]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do
you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE RAISE...

[Omathisen]

I wanted to share this one:

Five Rules For Men To Follow To A Happy Life

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time
to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie
to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.

5. It's very, very, very important that these four women never meet each
other.

If you happen to have a wife or a girl friend who fulfills the above, that is wonderful. If not, find one, or follow the rules.

[Omathisen]

Five Rules For Men To Follow To A Happy Life

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time
to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie
to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.

5. It's very, very, very important that these four women never meet each
other.

If you have a wife or girlfriend who fulfills these "requirements" great, but if not. . . .

[emberglo66]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife died. The local funeral director told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5,000.00, or you can bury her her, in the Holy Land, for $150.00."


The man thought about it and told the funeral director he would just have her shipped home.


The funeral director asked, "why would you spend $5,000.00 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only have to spend $150.00.


The man replied, "long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead!


I just cannot take that chance.....

[CobraDan]

I'm sure by now that all of you have seen the sad
report on the evening news. It was announced yesterday that the historic Rose Garden at the White House was being torn out.


It is being replaced by a water melon patch.

[speed220mph]

Siamese twins park their Cobra and walk into a pub in Toronto. They park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined
at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please".

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees. "Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English -they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[uncltodd]

Speed, you owe me a new keyboard.

I read your post and spewed Dr. Pepper through my nose into my keyboard, killing it.

That is the highest compliment I can pay to a humour post.

UT.

[speed220mph]

UT,
Sorry about your keyboard. The last time I laughed that hard was at a Vegas show with Joan Rivers back in the day she was funny. Does Dr. Pepper hurt as bad as Coke when it comes out your nose?

[CobraDan]

More truthful than anything I have read in a long time.

The Indian and His Buffalo .

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter:

'Want coffee.'

The waiter says,'Sure, Chief. coming right up.'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,

Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.

He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male
buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:

'Want coffee .'

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up
your mess from yesterday.

What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says...

'Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, Leave mess
for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

[dave from mesa]

Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

No wonder They support the bill to help illegal aliens!!
Now You Know.

[CobraDan]

[BigGuy]

Wish I could think so quickly.

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied,” No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'


.