Joke of the Day...

[Anthony]

What do you call a blonde woman who dyes her hair brunette?

Artificial Intelligence.

[CobraDan]

THE SPOON








Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that
the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a
little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.

The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[Anthony]

An elderly couple goes to the doctors for their annual exam, and upon leaving, the wife asks the doctor if she could speak to him in private. The doctor agrees, and they go into a nearby room.

The wife states that at times she would like to be physically closer to her husband, Bill, but most of the time he is not interested, and also has problems getting an erection. She asks the doctor if there is anything that can be done about it. He responds that there is this new drug called "Viagra" that does wonders. He tells her to try it some morning, to slip it into his coffee, and let it go to work. He asks her to come back in a week or so to let him know how it worked.

She leaves, and then comes back next week. The doctor first notices a frown on her face, and then asks her if she tried it? She says yes. He asks her what happened? Still with a frown on her face, she responds that she did just as he said, she slipped it into Bill's Coffee in the morning, and then after about 5 minutes, he got a strange look on his face, stood up, pushed the breakfast to the side of the table, came over to her, lifted her up on the table, pulled her pants down, dropped his pants down, and then went to it. The doctor asks "well, was the sex bad? Again, still with a frown on her face, she says" No, it was the best sex we ever had, it was actually fantastic. The doctor asks "well then what is the problem, why are you distraught ? She says " I don't think we can show our faces in that McDonalds again.

[ERA535]

In Florida and Arizona, the Personal Ads for older folks have become rather long in the tooth. These ads will be typical ten years from now, but they are already in vogue in these two states. Here is a sampling...

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious, blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5’4” (used to be 5’6”), Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out, and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser, to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Doesn’t run but walks well.

Thanks Mike!

[Jack21]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for
London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked thelength of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed
middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war
weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed
and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people.
Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but
after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself
again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very
tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up
the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat
down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You
know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir,
you've thrown the wrong ***** out the window."

[Dave Samson]

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That
night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry

[CobraDan]

As the woman passed her daughter's closed
bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing
noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter
giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are
you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old,
unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
Please,go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same
buzz coming from the other side of the closed, bedroom door. Upon entering
the room,he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the
daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old,
unmarried, and this thing is about as close
as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away
and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from A shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her
husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch,
buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

[COBRAMIKE427]

THIS GUY WAKES UP IN THE MORNING HUNGOVER,PANTS AROUND HIS ANKLES AND DOESNT REMEMBER ANYTHING FROM THE PARTY THEN HE LOOKS DOWN AT HIS WILLY AND SEES A RED RING HALF WAY DOWN IT THEN HE LOOKS AT THE BASE AND SEES A BROWN RING SO IN HIS CONCERN HE GOES TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM AND SEES THE DOCTOR WHEN THE DOCTOR REAPPEARS THE GUY ASKS IS IT BAD DOC AND THE DOC SAYS YES AND NO SO THE GUY SAYS GIVE ME THE GOOD NEWS FIRST WELL THE DOC SAYS YOU DONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE RED RING ITS JUST LIPSTICK THE DOC THEN SAYS ITS THAT BROWN RING YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT.......ITS COPENHAGEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ERA535]

So this guy goes to Las Vegas and really ties one on - gets totally drunk, gambles, whores around etc. Next morning he wakes up in a motel room - REALLY hung over - feeling like hell. Slowly he opens his eyes and looks to his right - and there lies a really huge ethnic woman. He looks to the left and there is another one only she is slightly less huge. He closes his eyes and thinks about how he is going to get out of there....so he figures the best thing to do is slowly climb over the smaller of the two women. As he is climbing over her she wakes up and says "uh uh honey, I'm just the bridesmaid".

[CobraDan]

There's an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman:
The Italian says, "When I have a-finished makina love with my girl-a-friend,
I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches
abova da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love
with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick ze soles
of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze
bed in pure ecstasy".
The Irishman says, "Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished shaggin' me bord, I
get out of da bed, walk over to d' window and wipe me knob on the curtain.
She hits the roof."

[jpk]

I saw a cartoon that showed two young boys
excitedly digging through their happy meals
for the 'Toy Story' action figures.

The first boy blurts out, "I gotta buzz"!
With equal excitement, the second boy
replies, "I gotta woody"!

The caption reads, "They'll probably have
this same conversation in 20 years".

joe kennedy

[Dave Samson]

Finally, the first Blonde GUY joke ... and well worth the wait.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again". If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and much to everyone's shock, jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral! the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

[CobraDan]

A man in Charleston, West Virginia, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign.
The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in West Virginia. Upon entering a church in Elkview, West Virginia, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the
pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this
golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches, the cost was $10,000 a minute.
Your sign reads 35 cents a call. Why?"
I just love this part........
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in WEST VIRGINIA now...it's a local call."

[CobraDan]

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox.
The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to
always by polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first
he holds it in for a little while
because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself.
Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself
from the table.
So he turns to the little girl and says, "Will you excuse me I have to go
powder my nose." And saying that, he leaps out of
the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks, "Did you
powder your nose?"
"Yes," said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well then," says the little girl, "You'd better
close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."

[ERA535]

Subject: The Difference Between Men & Women

Lets say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks
her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.
A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while
neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:
”Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for
exactly six months?”

And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:
”Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that.
Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m
trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or
isn’t sure of.”

And Roger is thinking: “Gosh. Six months.”

And Elaine is thinking: “But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we
are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just
going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading
toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready
for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?”

And Roger is thinking: “So, that means it was...let’s see...September when
we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s,
which means...let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an
oil change here.”

And Elaine is thinking: “He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed
it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s
why
he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of
being rejected.”

And Roger is thinking: “And I’m going to have them look at the transmission
again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What
cold
weather? It’s 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck,
and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.”

And Elaine is thinking: “He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry,
too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way
I
feel. I’m just not sure.”

And Roger is thinking: “They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day
warranty...scum balls.”

And Elaine is thinking: “Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to
a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do
care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in
pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.”

And Roger is thinking: “Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a
warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their...”

”Roger,” Elaine says aloud.

”What?” says Roger, startled.

”Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to
brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so... “

She breaks down, sobbing.

”What?” says Roger.

”I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I
really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

”There’s no horse?” says Roger.

”You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.

”No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

”It’s just that...it’s that I...I need some time,” Elaine says.There is a
15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up
with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might
work. “Yes,” he says.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. “Oh, Roger, do you really feel that
way?” she says.

”What way?” says Roger.

”That way about time,” says Elaine.

”Oh,” says Roger. “Yes.”

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves
a horse. At last she speaks. “Thank you, Roger,” she says.

”Thank you,” says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn.

When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the
TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match
between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far
recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there
in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand
what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them,
and they will talk about this situation for several hours. In painstaking
detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said,
exploring every word and expression for nuances of meaning, considering
every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject,
off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite
conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of
his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, “Norm,
did
Elaine ever own a horse?”

And that’s the difference between men and women.

[wicked fast]

In a crowded city, at a busy bus stop, there was a beautiful young woman waiting for the bus, and wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight and did not allow her leg to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to step onto the bus but couldn't. So a little more embarrassed she once again reached around and unzipped her skirt a little more. To her surprise, she still could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she reached behind and unzipped the skirt a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned around to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and with a drawl said, " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!!"

[CobraDan]

(o)(o) ..................Perfect Boobs

( + )( + ) ..............Fake, Silicone Boobs

(*)(*) ..................High Nipple Boobs

(@)(@) ................Big Nipple Boobs

oo ......................A Cups

{ O }{ O } .............D Cups

(oYo) ...................Wonder bra Boobs

( ^)( ^) ................Cold Boobs

(o)(O) ..................Lop-Sided Boobs

(Q)(O)..................Pierced Boobs

(p)(p) ..................Hanging tassels Boobs

(: )(o) .................Bitten-by-a-Vampire Boobs

\o/\o/ .................Grandma's Boobs

( - )( - ) ..............Flat-Against-the-Shower-Door Boobs

|o||o| ..................Android Boobs

(/)(o) ..................Scratched Boobs

(%)(o) ................. Extra Nipple Boobs

($)($) ..................Jenny McCarthy's Boobs

(^o)(o) ..................Zit on Your Boob

( o Y o ) .............. Poses-for-Magazines Boobs


)....... Laughing out Loud Boobs

[CobraDan]

A young man named Brent leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The man smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
Poor Brent broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment.
She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, Brent finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?
Look at these breasts. They are full and 100% natural!
I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid!
Look at my skin. No blemishes anywhere!
How can you feel that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, Brent stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.

[Aloys]

A man comes out of the shop, seeing the side of his car smashed. There`s a piece of paper under the wiper, saying:
there are about a dozen people watching me, expecting me to write down my name, phone, adress, insurance and so, but I`m not.....

[Dan Heck]

Clean, dumb and timely:

I had heard about K-Mart filing for bankruptcy today, but was surprised to learn that all of the K-Marts in Afghanistan went bankrupt weeks ago....

What? -and why's that, you ask?

Well, as I understand it there's a Target on about every block over there...


[the usual apologies apply]