Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

Boudreaux left the bayou and moved to Arkansas where bought him a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey
the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "I'm Sorry, but I have some bad news... the donkey died last night."
"Well, den" said Boudreaux, "Jus' give my money back, yeah."
"I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it already."
"OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey."
"What are you gonna do with him?"
"I'm gon-to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!"
"Well dats where you wrong.! You wait you an' you learn how smart we Cajuns are!"
A month later the farmer ran into the Cajun and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made $998."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

[CobraDan]

If you answer "yes" to eight or more of these questions, you may want to consider restricting your future calorie intake:

* Has your neighborhood grocery store ever offered to send for you with a limo?
* After ordering lunch at a fast-food drive-through window, has it ever been delivered to your car on a hand truck?
* Within the last month, have you burned out more than two refrigerator bulbs?
* Do people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator?
* Has your fork ever suddenly come up missing?
* Have you ever broken out in a cold sweat when you realized you were more than a mile from the nearest Taco Bell?
* Is there a restraining order against you from the Association of All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants?
* On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the center of the ship?
* Do your picnics in the country involve renting a U-Haul?
* Does the left side of your car seem to bottom out a lot?
* Does your street always seem to have more potholes than other streets

[Dave Samson]

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Union Station," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

[SPF1116]

Two Eastern European nuns were visiting New York City for the first time. As they strolled through Central Park, lunchtime came upon them and the first nun reminded the other that the Mother Superior recommended they try hot dogs for lunch.

They approached a street vendor and and each ordered a dog. After receiving their lunch they sat down on a nearby park bench. The first nun unwrapped her hot dog, looked at it, wrapped it back up and pitched it into the nearest trash can. Then she came back to the bench and asked the second nun “What part of the dog did YOU get?”

[Flyin_Freddie]

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Sorry....this one was deleted as it was a duplicate submitted by ERA535!
With this many postings, there's bound to be some duplicates, but overall, this is the best thread I've ever started. I look forward to reading it each day, and several times throughout the day as I'm notified of new postings. You can't imagine what's going on in my life right now with caring for my father, my job, my twins, and everything else. This is a real 'tonic' for me each day.

Thank you, my friends! I appreciate the time each of you take to post your latest funny, and look forward to the next!

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[CobraEd]

Start with a cage containing five monkeys.

Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it.

Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result, all the other
monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to
climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, Take away the cold water.

Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new
monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise
and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and
attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a
new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous
newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a
third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, and then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of
themonkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to
climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest
monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining
monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey
ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not.......... Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done.

And that is how company policy begins.

[ERA535]

Flyin_Freddie - you repeated a joke that was ON THE SAME PAGE!

[Flyin_Freddie]

Say...wha...?

Show me where....I can't seem to find it.

I'll delete which ever one it is....I don't want to be redundant. I'll delete which ever one it is...I don't want to be redundant.

Redundant...

Redundant...

Redundant...

[CobraEd]

Who cares!

[CobraDan]

1. Candy cigarettes
2. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
3. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
4. Coffee shops with table side juke boxes
5. Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers.
7. Party lines.
8. Newsreels before the movie.
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix ...(Drexel-5505)
12. Pea shooters.
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM Records
15. Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice cube trays-with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue Flash Bulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork pop guns
23. Drive ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
26. The Fuller Brush man
27. Reel-to-reel tape recorders
28. Tinker toys
29. The Erector Set
30. The Fort Apache Play set
31. Lincoln Logs
32. 15 cent McDonald hamburgers
33. 5 cent packs of baseball cards...with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
34. Penny candy
35. 35 cent-a-gallon gasoline
A TIME WHEN ...
* Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
* Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
* "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
* Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
* It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
* The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties".
* Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
* A foot of snow was a dream come true.
* Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
* "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
* Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles.
* The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
* War was a card game.
* Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
* Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
* Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
* If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!

[CobraDan]

Students at the UH Med. School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
Then the professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, "It is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted."
The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the ass of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated, and
subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the ass of the dead body and
sucked it after withdrawing it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The
second important quality is observation. "I sunk the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people!"

[CobraDan]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother.
When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning.
"Horrified, Jenny suggested that having sex at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.
"Oh no," her gran replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells (in with the dings and out with the dongs)." She paused, and wiped away a tear.
"If it wasn't for that damn ice cream truck going past just as the church bells were ringing, he'd still be alive."

[Flyin_Freddie]

My God....I remembered - and either had, used, attended, or played with - almost all of those. I never really thought of it as 'living', but you know what? You're so right...!

Thanks for the memories....

Okay, guys, back to jokin'....!

[CobraDan]

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she
proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man planning to screw him
to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of
the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon,
she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to
come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover
his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying a pair of earplugs and a
pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the
sound of a woman screaming, ... and the smell of burning rubber!"

[CobraDan]

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be truly disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

[Enzo Alibrandi]

Fidel Castro dies and is standing outside the gates of heaven. St Pete comes and tells him sorry Fidel you're in the wrong place and sends him to hell. He gets to hell and the Devil greets him, lets him know he's been waiting for him a long time and has a big party in progress for him. During the party Fidel tells the Devil he left his suitcases up in heaven and needs to retrieve them. The Devil says sorry Fidel, you're not leaving but I'll send a couple little devils up to pick them up.

The little devils go up and the gates are closed. As they're climbing over the gates to get Fidel's suitcases, two little angels are flying over and one says, "Look, Fidel hasn't even been in hell 24 hours and we already have refugees trying to come over the wall.

Paula Alibrandi

[Chad Johnson]

Osama and the Genie

Osama bin Laden was walking along the beach and his foot struck something in the sand and he stopped and dug out a bottle that was imbedded and he roughly rubbed off the sand. Once he realized it was only a bottle he was very disgruntled and roughly threw it back down into the sand. All at once, there was a bright flash, a loud "Poof" and a voice that proclaimed, "Hi, I'm a Genie, and I'm here to grant you one wish!"

Osama disgustedly kicked the bottle again. The Genie thought that wasn't very nice, but again repeated: "I'm your Genie and now that I have been released from the bottle I must grant you one wish."

Osama though for a minute and decided, why not? So, Genie, my wish is: "When I awaken tomorrow morning, I want to be in bed surrounded by three beautiful American women." The Genie said: "Your wish shall be granted.!"

The Genie thought and thought...he was not a nice man, but I must grant him his wish....

SO, NEXT MORNING, Osama awoke and looked around and, sure enough, there were three American women--Lorainna Bobbitt, Tanya Harding, and Hillary Clinton--BUT when he looked down: his pecker had been cut off, his knees had been crushed, and he had no health insurance!!!

[CobraDan]

Literal advise




An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's
office. As he
Approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes Sir,
may we help
you?"
There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You
shouldn't Come into a crowded office and say things
like that."


"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,"
he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused
some
Embarrassment in this room full of people. You should
have said
there is there’s Something wrong with my ear or
something then you can discuss the problem further
with the doctor in private."


The man walked out, waited several minutes and then
reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,
knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong
with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

[Dave Samson]

This guy walked into a bar and saw a sign for free beer.
He asked the bartender where he could the free beer.

The bartender said, "Go upstairs and it's the first door on your left."

So, he went upstairs and went in the first door on his left. As he
walked in he saw the ugliest, fattest, smelliest women he has ever seen. He asked how to get the free beer.

She said, "All you have to do is give me a free screw."

He thought about it for a while then remembered free beer. So he said, "Okay, but you have to keep your eyes closed."

When she closed her eyes he ran downstairs and into the corn field outside. He took a piece of corn, ran back to the room and saw that the woman still had her eyes closed.

He stuck the corn in her, and her screwed the daylights out of this
woman with the it. When he was done, he through the corn out the window and told her to open her eyes.

She said that was the best sex she has ever had.

Then, he went downstairs and got his beer. When he left, he saw his friend and told him about the excellent FREE beer he had.

Smiling his friend said, "yeah, but it wasn't as good as this piece of corn I just had!"

[CobraDan]

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 14 inch penis, testicles 2 lbs., Turner Brown."
The small guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to by slapping his face and shaking him.
He asks "Are you Ok?"
In a very nice voice the little guy says, "Excuse me but, what did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 14 inch penis, my testicles weigh 2 lbs., and my name is Turner Brown.
The small guy says, "Thank God!!! I thought you said Turn Around