Joke of the Day... - Page 26

CobraDan · #**501** (**permalink**) 03-05-2002, 05:35 AM

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans paper.
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods.
No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than
adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.
Her pants down around the knees, her reverse side still bare, and she was
picking up speed all the while. The woman continued skiing backwards
until she finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke
her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously
broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So how'd you break your leg?"
she asked, making small talk.
"It was the darnest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees.
I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."
"So how'd you break your arm?????

CobraDan · #**502** (**permalink**) 03-05-2002, 04:45 PM

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building
drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says:
"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this
building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the
building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into
the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but
says nothing.
The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in heck that
could happen!"
"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you."
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the
street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around
the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator
back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished.
"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a one-time
fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"
"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as
his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him
around the building and into the window.
He takes the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he successfully urges
his dubious fellow drinker to try it.
"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so
I'll try it!"
He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward - rapidly passes
the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ..his body hits the sidewalk with a loud
"splat."
Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the
first drinker, and shakes his head.
He says, "You know, Superman, you're a real a$$hole when you're drunk."

CobraDan · #**503** (**permalink**) 03-06-2002, 03:52 AM

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising
big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr.
Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal
relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed
for contempt.

Fast Farmer · #**504** (**permalink**) 03-07-2002, 12:00 AM

Q: Why aren't there any female Gasholes?
A: Ladies can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any pressure to fart.

Disclaimer: I am not a Gashole, nor do I play one on TV.

Jamo · #**505** (**permalink**) 03-07-2002, 12:04 AM

Thank you. We were wondering why.

With a joke like that--you're drafted as a Gashole! Don't mention it.

Dave Samson · #**506** (**permalink**) 03-07-2002, 12:37 AM

Jamo,

You have been dethroned.

Jamo · #**507** (**permalink**) 03-07-2002, 12:44 AM

By a farmer!

I represent farmers!!!!

Dave Samson · #**508** (**permalink**) 03-07-2002, 12:47 AM

Ewe sure do, that's why I grow mangoes.

CobraDan · #**509** (**permalink**) 03-07-2002, 04:45 AM

These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.
The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes.
Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!
She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

Flyin_Freddie · #**510** (**permalink**) 03-07-2002, 07:42 AM

oooops...this picture was too large and it lost too much clarity when it was reduced. Sorry...it WAS good....trust me!
If I figure out how to make it work, I'll post it later.

But, now, back to our story....

CobraDan · #**511** (**permalink**) 03-07-2002, 02:25 PM

NEW LA Drivers Exam
For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:___________________ Stage name: ____________________
Agent:___________________ Attorney:_______________________
Therapist name:_________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
*If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading

Please indicate how many times
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should :
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best.
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH.
b) drive twice as fast as usual.
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) All of the above
h) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway.
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) using your directional signals.
b) what is a "directional signal"?

Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) the wiper blades
b) the belts
c) the horn

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) dark, poorly lit roads
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c) revenge!

Your rear view mirror is for:
a) watching for approaching cars
b) watching for approaching police cars
c) checking your hair

Dave Samson · #**512** (**permalink**) 03-07-2002, 08:19 PM

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy
when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you
a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that
one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls.
I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your
husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her
encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob,... something about the emergency brake."

Dave Samson · #**513** (**permalink**) 03-07-2002, 11:20 PM

> As part of his parole agreement, Mike Tyson has to go back to school and finish 5th grade. This is Mike's homework assignment: He must use each of the words listed in a sentence.
>
> 1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
>
> 2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.
>
> 3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fights the other night. Man,
> somebody get that catacomb.
>
> 4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
>
> 5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my ***** rectum both.
>
> 6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment
> they gonna send me back to the joint.
>
> 7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said
> penis.
>
> 8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake. "
> He say, "Bull****, that watch Israel. "
>
> 9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho in the apartment undermine.
>
> 10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took
> me to the pool hall.
>
> 11. Iraq - When we got the poolhall, I tol' my uncle, "Iraq, you
> break."
>
> 12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan
> on stain for dinner? "
>
> 13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much? " she say,
> "fortify".
>
> 14. Income - I just got in bed wif a ho and income my wife.
>
>
>

CobraDan · #**514** (**permalink**) 03-08-2002, 02:35 AM

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the
driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and
shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your
bags! I won the damn lottery!"

The husband says, "Ohmigod! No sh!t?! What should I
pack, beach stuff, mountain stuff ... ?"

The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter!! Just get
the f*** out!!"

Stan Brown · #**515** (**permalink**) 03-08-2002, 05:41 AM

The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story. One
day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs
to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And
so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said,
'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The
teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... Holy s...! A
talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

CobraDan · #**516** (**permalink**) 03-08-2002, 07:12 AM

************************************************** *
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it
was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."
__________________________________________________ __

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm t! hirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
__________________________________________________ __
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
__________________________________________________ __
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big
sissy."
__________________________________________________ __
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was
wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned
over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitc* to iron."
__________________________________________________ ___
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her
tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
__________________________________________________ __
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two
plus five, that son of a bitc* is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitc*
is
nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the ! teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitc* is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

CobraDan · #**517** (**permalink**) 03-09-2002, 05:19 AM

The triplet boys were starting to pick up some bad language and their mother had tried everything she could think of to get them to stop it.
Pleading, ignoring, yelling, time out...nothing worked. She told her husband about it and he said when talking fails try good old fashioned discipline.
The next morning the terrible threesome came downstairs for breakfast. The father asked the first one "What do you want for breakfast?" The first one thought for a few seconds and said "I'll have some Goddamned eggs!" WHAM! the father slapped the boy in the mouth and knocked him backwards away from the table.
The dad now turned to number two son and repeated the question. "What do YOU want for breakfast?" The second one looked at his crying brother on the floor and said " I'll have some *uckin' eggs." WHAM! The second brother was now in the same situation as the first, mouth smacked and sitting on his butt on the floor crying.
The father now turned to face son number three. "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST!" He yelled at the kid. Number three looked at his brothers on the floor, covering their mouths and crying and he looked at his father and said "One thing's for sure, I don't want no Goddamned *uckin' eggs!"

MilwDoug · #**518** (**permalink**) 03-09-2002, 09:37 AM

A man is asleep in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the
door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the
morning.

"Damn! I'm not getting out of bed this time of night!", he thinks, and
rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer
that?" asks his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes
downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't
take
the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams
the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down
in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter
and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What
would have happened if he'd told us to 'get lost'?"
"But the guy is drunk" says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the
Christian thing to help him."
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He
opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he
shouts,
"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah,
please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies "I'm over here, on your swing set"

Hotfingrs · #**519** (**permalink**) 03-09-2002, 01:53 PM

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no
attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining
room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I
hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

Dave Samson · #**520** (**permalink**) 03-09-2002, 02:33 PM

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said,
"DAMN! That's the ugliest f**kin' baby I've EVER seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."

"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and
give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"