Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

NEW LA Drivers Exam
For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:___________________ Stage name: ____________________
Agent:___________________ Attorney:_______________________
Therapist name:_________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
*If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading

Please indicate how many times
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should :
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best.
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH.
b) drive twice as fast as usual.
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) All of the above
h) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway.
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) using your directional signals.
b) what is a "directional signal"?

Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) the wiper blades
b) the belts
c) the horn

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) dark, poorly lit roads
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c) revenge!

Your rear view mirror is for:
a) watching for approaching cars
b) watching for approaching police cars
c) checking your hair

[Dave Samson]

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy
when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you
a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that
one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls.
I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your
husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her
encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob,... something about the emergency brake."

[Dave Samson]

> As part of his parole agreement, Mike Tyson has to go back to school and finish 5th grade. This is Mike's homework assignment: He must use each of the words listed in a sentence.
>
> 1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
>
> 2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.
>
> 3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fights the other night. Man,
> somebody get that catacomb.
>
> 4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
>
> 5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my ***** rectum both.
>
> 6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment
> they gonna send me back to the joint.
>
> 7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said
> penis.
>
> 8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake. "
> He say, "Bull****, that watch Israel. "
>
> 9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho in the apartment undermine.
>
> 10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took
> me to the pool hall.
>
> 11. Iraq - When we got the poolhall, I tol' my uncle, "Iraq, you
> break."
>
> 12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan
> on stain for dinner? "
>
> 13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much? " she say,
> "fortify".
>
> 14. Income - I just got in bed wif a ho and income my wife.
>
>
>

[CobraDan]

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the
driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and
shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your
bags! I won the damn lottery!"

The husband says, "Ohmigod! No sh!t?! What should I
pack, beach stuff, mountain stuff ... ?"

The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter!! Just get
the f*** out!!"

[Stan Brown]

The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story. One
day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs
to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And
so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said,
'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The
teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... Holy s...! A
talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[CobraDan]

************************************************** *
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it
was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."
__________________________________________________ __

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm t! hirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
__________________________________________________ __
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
__________________________________________________ __
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big
sissy."
__________________________________________________ __
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was
wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned
over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitc* to iron."
__________________________________________________ ___
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her
tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
__________________________________________________ __
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two
plus five, that son of a bitc* is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitc*
is
nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the ! teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitc* is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

[CobraDan]

The triplet boys were starting to pick up some bad language and their mother had tried everything she could think of to get them to stop it.
Pleading, ignoring, yelling, time out...nothing worked. She told her husband about it and he said when talking fails try good old fashioned discipline.
The next morning the terrible threesome came downstairs for breakfast. The father asked the first one "What do you want for breakfast?" The first one thought for a few seconds and said "I'll have some Goddamned eggs!" WHAM! the father slapped the boy in the mouth and knocked him backwards away from the table.
The dad now turned to number two son and repeated the question. "What do YOU want for breakfast?" The second one looked at his crying brother on the floor and said " I'll have some *uckin' eggs." WHAM! The second brother was now in the same situation as the first, mouth smacked and sitting on his butt on the floor crying.
The father now turned to face son number three. "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST!" He yelled at the kid. Number three looked at his brothers on the floor, covering their mouths and crying and he looked at his father and said "One thing's for sure, I don't want no Goddamned *uckin' eggs!"

[MilwDoug]

A man is asleep in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the
door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the
morning.

"Damn! I'm not getting out of bed this time of night!", he thinks, and
rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer
that?" asks his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes
downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't
take
the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams
the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down
in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter
and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What
would have happened if he'd told us to 'get lost'?"
"But the guy is drunk" says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the
Christian thing to help him."
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He
opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he
shouts,
"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah,
please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies "I'm over here, on your swing set"

[Hotfingrs]

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no
attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining
room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I
hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

[Dave Samson]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said,
"DAMN! That's the ugliest f**kin' baby I've EVER seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."

"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and
give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"

[CobraDan]

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to, honey?"
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing, honey?" The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed.
When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies.
Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my!" she cries: "What is that?"
"Well, darlin'," he says, "That's ma' rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"
Her husband, panting a little, asks: "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies; "Undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

[CobraDan]

A New Holiday...
Guys, you know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentine's Day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do love them more than any other.
Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out.
That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life.
Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.
Which is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially "Steak and B***Job Day."
Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town;
the name of the holiday explains it all, just a Steak and a BJ.
That's it.
Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and, BJ Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 20th. Its like a perpetual love machine!
The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
And, of course, Steak and BJs.

[CobraDan]

Great Female Comebacks.


Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."

Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."

Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."

Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."

Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"

Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."

Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?

[Dave Samson]

A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of
fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red
wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans
E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's
speaking English that kills you.

[CobraDan]

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.
As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed,
"I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!"

[Dave Samson]

Today is my 53th birthday & I wasn't feeling too hot this morning.

I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant & say "happy birthday" & probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "good morning," let alone any "happy birthday".

I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember". The children came in to breakfast & didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low & despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Betty said, "good morning boss, happy birthday" and I felt a little better someone had remembered!

Betty knocked on my door later & said, "it's such a beautiful day outside & it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you & me". I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go". We went to lunch in a little private place, had two martinis a great time.

On the way back to the office, Betty said, You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "let's go to my apartment".

After arriving at her apartment, she said, " boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable".

" Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom &, in about six minutes, came out carrying a big birthday cake..... followed by my wife, children & dozens of friends.

They were singing "Happy Birthday"......................

And there I sat, on the couch, naked.

[CobraDan]

Anyone can piss on the floor, be a hero sh!t on the ceiling

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.


Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.


Beauty is only a light switch away.


I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.


Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"


God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust?


Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.


No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.


At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.


It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!


If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.


A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

[Stan Brown]

GETTING SOCIAL SECURITY


A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for
social security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the
counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers
license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he
had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left
his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and comeback later".
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt
revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on
your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his social
security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his
experience at the social security office.
To this the wife says, "You should have dropped your pants,
you might have gotten disability too."

[CobraDan]

"Tater People"


Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are
just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called "Speck Taters".

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with
the way others do the work.
They are called "Comment Taters".

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't
want to soil their own hands.
They are called "Dick Taters".

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking
others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.

They are called "Agie Taters".

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just
never get around to actually doing what they promised.
They are called "Hezzie Taters".

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called "Emma Taters".

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They
are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand.
They bring real sunshine
into the lives of others.
They are called "Sweet Taters".

[Dave Samson]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation,
so he went to see his doctor.

The doctor suggested that the man could solve his
problem by startling himself whenever he thought that
he was going to ejaculate.

So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store
and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to
try the doctor's advice.

When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him
on their bed,... naked! So he ripped off his clothes
and began making love with her. Eventually, they
wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt
an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a
few shots with his new starter pistol.

They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported
his results. He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc!
When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face,
bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of
the closet with his hands in the air!"