Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

WARNING:
If you get an envelope from a company called the "Internal Revenue Service," or "IRS," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam
around this time every year.

Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for
he operation of essential functions of the American government.

This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects.

This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your
regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work
projects the IRS helps mastermind.

These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of hundreds of billions. Don't fall for this scam!

[CobraDan]

Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation jerking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, and so on there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.
"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.
"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first.
"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."
The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."
"What's that?"
"Finishing the job."

[bonyhadi]

Only in America!!
The Stella Awards - America at its very best!
The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards.In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered
third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. This case inspired an annual award The "Stella" Award - for the
most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S.

The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) with the right attorney you could win
anything!

1. January 2000:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture
store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little bastard was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998:
A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't
notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

3. October 1998:
A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up
since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut.
The family was on vacation. Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He
sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

4. October 1999:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was
on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams
who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage
was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out
her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded
$12,000 and dental expenses.
And the winner is:
Mr Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000 Mr Grazinski
purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers
seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago for not
advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winniebago actually changed their handbooks on the
back of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)

[CobraDan]

The Farmer and The CowA farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and
asks the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'
Man: 'So what happened that is so horrible?'
Farmer: 'Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.
Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over'
Man: 'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain. '
Man: 'So then what happened?'
Farmer: 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. '
Man: 'Again? So what did you do then?'
Farmer: 'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. '
Man: 'And then what.'
Farmer: 'I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'
Man: 'Wow, you must have been pretty upset.'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'
Man: 'So then what did you do?'
Farmer: 'Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied
her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.'

[bonyhadi]

While riding one day a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and
a sheep and began a conversation.

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing' all right."

Indian: Look of shock Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at
Indian.

Dog:: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: Look of total disbelief Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: Extreme look of shock Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing
at Indian Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: Total look of utter amazement Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your
sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."

[Jamo]

Daniel
Well at least you gave me a heads up with your e-mail--somehow I knew you'd post it.

EVERY SHEEP I'VE KNOWN IS A LIAR!

[CobraDan]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a
bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars
out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon
leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the
bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought
a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck
and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She
realizes that she'll only be able to send her
sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I
want you to send her the word,
'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that
you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow. -
"com-for-da-bul".

[blykins]

Alright...I'll contribute to this one...


A guy was feeling rather "randy" (no offense Mr. Klein : ) ) and decided he'd go visit the local cathouse for some fun. Upon talking to the madame, he found out he was $50 short for a $100 session with one of the girls. So he struck a deal with the woman.

He told her, "Tell ya what. If I sleep with one of your girls, and tell you exactly how many guys she's been with today, then you have to let me have her for free. If I'm wrong, then I'll give you my $50 and come back in a couple days with the balance. Deal?"

The madame sat and scratched her head...of course thinking that no one would be able to tell anything like that. So she agreed and they shook on it.

She pointed to one of her girls standing behind her and the man took her upstairs. After about 30 minutes, the man came down and approached the madame.

"She's been with 7 guys today."

The madame was in complete shock as she checked her records for the day and found he was completely correct. She agreed to let the man go for free, but she wanted to know how he did it.

She asked him, "How can you tell that from sleeping with a girl? Is it the friction heat? Is it how sore she is? Is it how tired she is? Or was it just a guess?"

"Easy." said the man. "I just drank her douche-water and counted the lumps as it went down."

TADA!!!

[bonyhadi]

"Handy Dictionary to decipher Personals Ads "

" WOMEN'S ADS "

40-ish.............. 49
Adventurer.......... Slept with all your friends
Athletic.............No chest
Average looking......Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful........... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile.... Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated............ Banged her Poly-sci professor
Emotionally Secure.. Medicated
Feminist............ Fat ballbuster
Free spirit......... Junkie
Friendship first.....slut
Fun..................Annoying
Gentle...............Comatose
Good Listener........Borderline Autistic
New-Age..............It's a mess down there
Old-fashioned....... Lights out, no BJs
Open-minded..........Desperate
Outgoing.............Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...........Sloppy drunk
Poet.................Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional.........Certified *****
Redhead..............Bad dye-job
Reubenesque..........Grossly Fat
Wants Soulmate...... Stalker


" MEN'S ADS "

40-ish.............. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic............ Watches a lot of NASCAR
Free Spirit..........Banging your sister
Good looking........ Arrogant
Very good looking... Dumb as a board
Honest.............. Pathological Liar
Likes to cuddle..... Insecure mama's boy
Mature.............. Older than your father
Physically fit...... Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Very sensitive...... Gay
Spiritual........... Got laid in a cemetery once
Thoughtful............ Says "Excuse me" when he farts

[CobraDan]

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is truly deceased, not an ounce of life.
"Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

[xlr8or]

OVERWEIGHT BLONDE
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want
you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost
at least five pounds.
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's
amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to
drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
No, from all that skipping."

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the
other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back,
You are on the other side."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
PULLOVER!
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her
right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am,
are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going
atnight!"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would
get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!"

THE VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She
thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consisted of
"yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares
at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking
the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour
she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks her
what is going on. I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking
my answers."

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided
to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed
a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped
your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in
the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde"
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight
home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a
brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot
believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

[CobraDan]

A Doctor was walking down the street and saw Little Johnny with a bottle of iodine that he was spilling on the sidewalk.
The Doctor said to him, "Son, you shouldn't waste that iodine, I put some on a lady this morning and she passed a baby."
Little Johnny looked up and said, "Hell Doc, that's nothing, I put some on my dogs a$$ and he passed a motorcycle!"

[CobraDan]

Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her Jewelry
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.



HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings and beer.

[bonyhadi]

Frank was so excited to be going bear
hunting. He spotted a small brown bear
and shot it. Then there was a tap on his
shoulder, and he turned around to see a
big black bear. The black bear said "You've
got two choices. I either maul you to death
or we have sex." Frank decided to with the
latter.

Well, Frank vowed revenge. He headed out
on another trip where he found the black
bear and shot it. There was another tap on
his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear
stood right next to him. The grizzly said
"That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've
got two choices. Either I maul you to death
or we'll have sex." Again, Frank thought
it was better to comply.

Several months later, still outraged he
headed back to the woods, managed to track
down the grizzly and shot it. He felt
sweet revenge, but then there was a tap
on his shoulder. He turned round to find
another giant bear standing there. The
bear said, "Admit it, Frank. You don't
come here for the hunting, do you?"

[Flyin_Freddie]

A bit dated, but still one of my personal favorites....

Three explorers were in deepest, darkest Africa working for an oil company when they were captured by a local band of natives. They were hauled back to the natives camp and put on display where they were subjected to all kinds of humiliation. Finally, after several days of this public torture, they were cut down and dragged to a small hut where they huddled together awaiting their fate.

Several more days went by and finally, early one morning amid great fanfare and drum beating, the tribal Witch Doctor shows up. He's dressed in a feathered headress, with monkey heads on a rope around his waist, and he's holding a scepter with a human skull on it in his hand. As he steps into the hut, the drums outside reach a crescendo and stop....all goes completely silent in the encampment.

The Witch Doctor looks as the first poor explorer and says, "You have a choice: Death by Fire or you may have Chi-Chi!".

The explorer thinks for a moment, "Nothing can be more fearful than death by fire," he thinks, "so how bad could this Chi-Chi be?". So he replies to the Witch Doctor, "I'll take Chi-Chi!" . The Witch Doctor exits the hut, raises his scepter to the assembled crowd of natives and shouts "Chi-Chiiiiiiiiiii!".

Well, the natives all scream and holler, the drums start pounding, and two of them come in and drag the first explorer out. Unseen by the other two explorers, they drag him away and tie him face down over an altar with his butt stuck up in the air. One by one they all take turns sodomizing him...one after another until the entire camp had had their way with him...Booom-boom-booom-booom! When they finally cut him down hours later, his recturm is all torn and shattered, spurting blood and he dies in a twitching fit.

Well, since the other two explorers couldn't see any of what was going on, they still had no idea. Another day passes leaving the two men to ponder their fate, while the natives continue to dance around the hut and chant all night long. The next day, amid more drum pounding and crazed dancing, the Witch Doctor appears before the two men again. "Death by Fire, or Chi-Chi?" he asks again. One of the men says, "Death by fire must be terrible and I don't think I can stand it, so I'll take Chi-Chi, too." When the Witch Doctor leaves them, he again raises his scepter and all falls quiet. He shouts to natives..."Chi-Chiiiiii!"

Well, the entire camp goes nuts again....drums start pounding and two more natives come in and drag the second explorer out and tie him face down on the same altar. They rip his pants off and once again, every native starts pounding into his ass....one by one...it lasts for hours before the finally cut him down. Like the first, he's reduced a twitching mass of jelly and bleeds to death from his rectum. Not a pretty sight. The entire camp spent the rest of the day and night beating their drums, chanting and dancing around the hut where the third explorer is waiting for his visit from the dreaded Witch Doctor.

Sure enough, on the third morning, the Witch Doctor comes in to the final explorer. The chanting that had been going on all night ceased, and the drums that had been pounding all night fall silent as he repeats the choices to the ill-fated man. "Death by Fire, or Chi-Chi?", came the question.

Well, by this time the third explorer still had only heard the fates of both his friends and decided that even though he still didn't know what Chi-Chi was it must be a terrible death, he thought, possibly even worse than death by fire. So, after careful deliberation, he responds to the Witch Doctor, "I'll take fire...".

Once again the Witch Doctor steps from the hut and raises both his arms to the tribe. They stop and look closely for some sort of sign. The Witch Doctor shouts...."Death by FIRE!" and the crown again goes nuts. But, the Witch Doctor again raises his scepter and once again the crowd falls silent....drums stop and the explorer could hear even the insects in the jungle go silent.

The Witch Doctor says...." .....but first, CHI-CHIIIIIIIIIIII !"

[CobraDan]

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play, except Yanni CD's. With them it doubles the volume.

It will automatically download kiddie porn to your hard drive and then notify the authorities.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your good beer and replace it I.C. Light.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will talk nasty about your mother.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card the only card stripe it didn't demagnetize.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with beef tongue.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles-- but, on the plus side, they're kosher dills.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection. Beware.

[blykins]

Man, I wondered what that was...thanks for helping me figure it out...hehehe

[CobraDan]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, butthat airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said,"Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.
The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word or a squeal is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word or a sound.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I can't charge you the ten dollars.
The ride is free." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[bonyhadi]

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[bonyhadi]

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