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  #761 (permalink)  
Old 05-18-2002, 10:42 AM
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Thumbs up Investment Alert

Pepsi and Viagra investment alert
Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as - is, or as a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do".
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."


Dan
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  #762 (permalink)  
Old 05-18-2002, 12:20 PM
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A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with
a sign that reads "For Women Only." Since they were without their boyfriends,
they decide to go in.

The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works, "We have 5
floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you
can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you
what's inside. The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you can't return to
it."



The women talk it over and decide to go for it. They start going up, and on
the first floor the sign reads "All the men here are horrible lovers, but
they are sensitive and kind." The friends laugh and without hesitation move
on to the next floor.

The sign on the Second floor reads! "All the men here are wonderful lovers,
but they generally treat women badly." This wasn't going to do so again they
head for the stairs.

The friends move up to the Third floor where the sign read "All the men here
are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." This was good but
there were still two more floors...

So on to the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have
perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers;
they are also single, rich and straight"

The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the
fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.

When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads:

"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is
simply no way to please a woman."
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  #763 (permalink)  
Old 05-18-2002, 02:24 PM
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Talking Buttons and more Buttons

Saddam Hussein and George Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process.

When George sits down he notices 3 buttons on the side of Saddam's chair as they begin talking.

After about 5 minutes Saddam presses the first button and a boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.

Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed and this time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin.

Again Saddam laughs; and again Bush carries on talking not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the 2 countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates; he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.

"I'm going back home!" he tells Saddam, "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

Two weeks pass and Saddam flies to the United States for the talks. As the 2 men sit down, Hussein notices 3 buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for revenge.

They begin talking and George presses the first button.

Saddam jumps up but nothing happens... Bush snickers...

A few seconds later Bush presses the second button.

Again Saddam jumps up; but again nothing happens... Bush roars with laughter...

When the third button is pressed Saddam jumps up again; and again nothing happens to him... Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics...

"Forget this" says Saddam, "I'm going home to Baghdad!"

Bush then says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad???"
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  #764 (permalink)  
Old 05-18-2002, 05:08 PM
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Talking An Adult Sheep Story

A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for their wool, meat, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, be laying down when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying on the ground. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."
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  #765 (permalink)  
Old 05-19-2002, 07:21 AM
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Talking Bathroom Humor

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her.
He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey.
You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my a$$."
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  #766 (permalink)  
Old 05-20-2002, 09:18 AM
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Talking Paper or Coin?

Two Pollock's were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've have to take a sh!t."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and sh!t."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my a$$." The other Pollock replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea I'll use that!"
He left and came back with sh!t all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your a$$ with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
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  #767 (permalink)  
Old 05-21-2002, 05:38 AM
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Talking

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour?
That's what I do," said Irving.
"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"
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  #768 (permalink)  
Old 05-22-2002, 08:16 PM
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Talking Red Roses

Two women are sitting in a cafe and talking. One woman says, “Sh!t, this evening my husband brought me red roses.” “Why?” the other woman asks. “I’d be glad if my husband did that for me.”
“No, no, you don’t understand,” the other says. “Every time he brings me red roses, I have to spread my legs.”
“Why’s that?” the other asks. “Don’t you have a vase?”
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  #769 (permalink)  
Old 05-22-2002, 09:37 PM
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The Bug:

A man and a woman were driving down the road and
arguing about his deplorable infidelity when
suddenly the woman reaches over and
slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses
it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his
9-year-old daughter.The little girl is just
chatting away at her father when all of a sudden
the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield,
sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy,
what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose
his little girl to anything sexual at such a
young age, the father replies, "It was only
a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her
face, and after a few minutes she says... "Sure
had a big dick, didn't it?"
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  #770 (permalink)  
Old 05-23-2002, 03:53 AM
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Question Finger count

Students at the UH Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
Then the professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted."
The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the a$$ of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the a$$ of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second important quality is observation. I sunk the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people!!!"
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  #771 (permalink)  
Old 05-23-2002, 11:15 AM
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Lightbulb Blonde Joke

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful. So she left a note for
her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought
she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the
point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said: "I found your note to
leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk
and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."
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  #772 (permalink)  
Old 05-23-2002, 11:40 AM
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Talking Sign up for Your Stupid Sign

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid" That way
you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It
would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there
was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey,you
moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes
it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine. We pulled his
boat into the dock, and I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this
idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was
a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it.
"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you
to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite
you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my Cobra into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my Cobra,
looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?"
I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three
just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our Cobra about a year ago. A guy came over to the
house and drove the Cobra around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the
house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the side exhaust pipe, then
says,
"Darn that's hot!"
See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know
I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get
it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local
cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic
questioning..ok..no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a
sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?"
I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then
back to him and said "no I'm delivering a bridge...here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are
you still here?"
I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your
sign."

The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.

Last edited by CobraDan; 05-23-2002 at 11:43 AM..
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  #773 (permalink)  
Old 05-23-2002, 01:25 PM
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Default

OK,

I've heard enough about this stuff and want to know, did any of the members here perform as stunt doubles for this?

http://207.215.129.33/outgoing/fm.exe

I ain't sure I did that right.
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  #774 (permalink)  
Old 05-23-2002, 08:05 PM
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Talking

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame,
"Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Highly offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued for a while, until he finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said.
He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead.
"I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame,... gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "...but Bertha here has seniority!"
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  #775 (permalink)  
Old 05-24-2002, 05:42 AM
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Talking Dear Abby,

I've been going out with this girl for a couple of weeks now and I really like her and want to take the relationship to the next level.
I have one problem though.
On our first date she told me she was sick, but I can't remember if she said she had TB or VD.
What should I do?
Lovelorn, Portland, OR

Dear Lovelorn:
If she coughs a-lot, screw her.
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  #776 (permalink)  
Old 05-24-2002, 12:55 PM
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Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost Boobs

B - Barely there

C - Can Do

D - Damn good

E - Enormous

F - Fake
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  #777 (permalink)  
Old 05-24-2002, 01:19 PM
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Talking

F- Fake F- size is FAKE I'm going to have a talk with the wife.

Dan
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  #778 (permalink)  
Old 05-24-2002, 02:58 PM
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Bony don't forget size L for extra LONG!
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Remember, It's never too early to start beefing up your obituary.

Last edited by xlr8or; 05-24-2002 at 05:36 PM..
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  #779 (permalink)  
Old 05-24-2002, 03:47 PM
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Talking More than a handful

Your wrong theirREAL size F, I checked.

Dan
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  #780 (permalink)  
Old 05-25-2002, 08:12 AM
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Talking No offence to sheepherders

My younger sister was having one of her first gynelogical appointments and she had some questions for the doctor.
"Doctor" she asked, "I can't ask my parents, They would kill me but my boyfreind wants to have anal sex.
I don't know what to tell him, I mean I don't know anything about it.
Can I get pregnant?"
The kindly old doctor smiled whimsicaly and replied "Of couse, you can my dear.
Where do you think lawyers come from?"
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