Joke of the Day...

[MilwDoug]

A Californian goes to the optometrist, and the
doctor says, "You really need to stop masturbating."

The man, a little worried, asks the doctor, "why...
am I going blind?"

"No," says the doctor, "you're disturbing everyone
in the waiting room."

[Flyin_Freddie]

An elderly lady goes to her doctor and when she gets her turn with him, she explains she has a really bad gas problem. "But," she explains, "these gas attacks never smell and never make any noise, so no one really knows about them but me." She goes on to explain that she's very uncomfortable with these attacks, however, and she would like them to go away.

The Doc thinks a few moments and then prescribes an oral medication for her. "Take these over the next month, and make an appointment to see me in 4 weeks," he instructs.

Four weeks later the lady is back at the doctor's office again for her scheduled appointment. When she gets in to the examining room she's still more than a little concerned. "Doctor," she complains, "those pills you gave me haven't helped a bit! I still have these damned gas attacks, but now my farts stink to the high heavens! I thought you were going to help me...!"

The Doctor explains "Ma'am, I have indeed started to help you. Now that we have your sense of smell working again, we'll address your hearing problem next!"

[CobraDan]

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with Million
dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey,be careful
when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost
us a fortune to repair"
Of course, she teed off and promptly shanked it right through the window of
the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up
there and apologize and see how much that lousy
drive is going to cost us."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken
antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man
reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"
"Uh, yeah, we're sure sorry about that" the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,I'm a
genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give
you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem", said the genie, "You've got it. I have already put a million
dollars in your bank account. It's the least I can do."
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to
own a gorgeous home complete with servants in
every country in the world." she said. "Consider it done. The deeds are now
in your
name," the genie said.
"And now," the couple both asked in unison,
"what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman
in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it
over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of
the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and
afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old
are you and your husband?
"Why, we're both 35" she responded breathlessly.
"No s**t! Thirty-five years old and both of
you still believe in genies?"

[CobraDan]

Hamster in Labor!!
Hope this doesn't offend anyone, but this is
hilarious!
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!!!
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to
tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, Dad.
Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer face on and followed him into his bedroom.
One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.
I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
"She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and
grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared.
I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and veered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?" "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er....
masturbate. just the way he did, lying on his
back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife
offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my vicious cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on
its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the
Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've
done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter.

[Flyin_Freddie]

Hey, Dan...I've never met you, but plan to at the Spring DSCC get together. Remind me not to shake your hand, okay?

Man, you're kinky...with a hamster, no less!

Besides all that, you're forcing those poor hamsters into a homosexual relationship by forcing two males to live together. I'm turnin' you in to the ACLU, CIA, FBI, Dear Abby, and your church!

You should be ashamed...! And then you helped poor ol' Ernie whack off... Man, I knew you guys in Florida were warped, but I had no idea the depths of your depravity.

Can you say GO VOLS! ???

Naw, didn't think you could!

[CobraDan]

Fred,
You better be coming in April because I'm not taking pictures for you. I'll make sure I wash my hands before coming. I do want to shake hands with all the DSCC members. I'm living in Florida, Alabama gets to cold in wnter.

Dan

[CobraDan]

On those days when things are going really bad for you think of this poor guy.
Are you having a bad day at the office? If so, read the following and have a laugh.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a
"worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.
Here's how it went:
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not
so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of crap sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature, and then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan,
and I've used it several times with no complaints. When I get to the bottom
and start working, I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit, which floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a seconds, my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but
the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my wet suit.
Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I
scratched what I thought was a regular itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma
over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he,along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops (totaling 35 minutes) before I could reach the surface to begin my
chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't crap for 2 days because my butthole was swollen shut. So, the next time you think you're having a bad day at work, think
about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

[Flyin_Freddie]

Somewhat dated, I know, but still funny nevertheless...

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand and without saying a word, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew more than his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar,' but the breakfast was my idea."

[CobraDan]

1) "Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole
relationships."
(Sharon Stone)
2) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
(Barbara Bush, former US First Lady)
3) "Ah, yes, divorce....from the Latin word meaning to rip out a mans'
genitals through his wallet." (Robin Williams)
4) "Women need a reason to have sex....Men just need a place."
(Billy Crystal)
5) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman that I don't
like and just give her a house."
(Rod Stewart)
6) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand,
we can open all our own jars."
(Bruce Willis - on the difference between men and women)
7) "And God said: Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on
me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
(George Burns)
8) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex... no matter what she's reading."
(Steve Jobs, Founder, Apple Computers)
9) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid
problem?"
(Arnold Schwarzenegger)
10) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
(Tiger Woods)
11) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b***h."
(Jack Nicholson)
12) "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful."
(Robert De Niro)
13) "In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is
that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to
women's breasts?"
(Hugh Grant)
14) "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
(Dustin Hoffman)
15) "There's very little advice in men magazines, because men think, I know
what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." (Jerry Seinfeld)
16) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
(Robin Williams)

[MilwDoug]

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, " Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answers the woman

"We don't have a maid," says the man.

The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."

The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

The woman replies, "She is upstairs in bed with someone who I figured
was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?"

The maid says, "What will I have to do?"

The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot
the ***** and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then 2 gun
shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"

The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."

Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."

After a long pause the man says, "Is this 832-4821?"

[CobraDan]

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."

The old lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry."

So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?

THE FIRST MOTEL SHE CAME TO

[ERA535]

What is the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy?

The refirigerator doesn't moan when you put the meat in.

[CobraDan]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertainsb to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the
new sign which now read:
"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00."

[CobraDan]

Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way
before."
...The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

[Flyin_Freddie]

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, for the mountains, or somewhere else?"

He says, "I don't give a rat's ass what you pack for, just get the hell out!"

[CobraDan]

Dangerfield's Secrets to a Successful Marriage
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant,
have a little wine, some good food and good companionship. She goes Tuesday's, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Cincinnati, and mine is in Kentucky.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she
said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster,
and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas.
She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now.
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I
too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
11. Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,
"What's on the TV?"...I said, 'Dust!"
15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
16. Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to.
17. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
18. A beggar walked up to my wife shopping on
Michigan Ave., and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

[concobra]

A slightly drunk Cobra owner ran into the police station screaming that he had lost his Cobra.

The police asked him if he could remember that last place he saw it.

He held out his key and said the last time he saw it it was on the end of this key.

One officer notice he had his fly open and his wang was hanging out. The officer brought this to the attention of the Cobra owner.

The Cobra owner screamed "OH MY GOD I'VE LOST MY GIRL FRIEND TOO !!!"

[CobraDan]

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new one.

[CobraDan]

This is my favorite fruitcake recipe...since the
holidays are approaching I thought you might be baking.

Fruitcake Recipe (Just in time for Christmas preparations!!)
3 cups flour
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar lemon juice nuts
1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of
the highest quality.

Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is
still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the
whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the
whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

[Chad Johnson]

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind little bunny and a blind little snake.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly someone in upper management."