Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

Michael offers to buy a drink for an attractive young woman
seated at the end bar. She gives him the green light,
so Michael goes to the end of the bar and whispers to the
bartender to make up a Martini for her and to put
some Spanish-fly in the drink.

The bartender whispers back to say he's all out of
Spanish-fly and all he has left is Jewish-fly.
Michael Shrugging his shoulders, and says, OK, put
some of that in her drink.

As she sips on the drink, she gets more and more cozy,
really warming up to the Michael.
Finally, she finishes the drink, leans over and
whispers in his ear,
.....Let's go shopping.

[CobraDan]

Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?"
The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years."
"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?"
The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."
"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"
"Go back and get her."

Reminds me, Honey I'll be there soooooooooon

[bonyhadi]

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep
are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means
but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they
are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has
to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them
all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that
the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice
for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to
load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home,
falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and
tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

[CobraDan]

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.
Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"
Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies. "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."

[bonyhadi]

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was
getting dark.

He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She
asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.

She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to
get the broom.

His mother smiled and said 'The Lord is out there too, don't be afraid'. The little boy opened the back door a little and said 'Lord if
you're out there, hand me the broom'.

[DAVID GAGNARD]

I just received this e-mail from my younger brother in Draper (suburb of Salt Lake City) Utah. He and his family are leaving for a visit with us here in Louisiana and then on to florida for a two week vacation....Enjoy his itenerary...Patty is his wife and Dawn is his 17 year old daughter.....

Leave UT Wednesday morning, plan to leave out by 6:00 am, get out actually at 7:30am, I-15 south to Provo (25 miles) stop for Patty to Pee. Go south more on 1-15...stop at Nephi for Dawn to pee (she wouldn't wake up in Provo to go pee)...Go to Hwy 50 go left, go to I-70..stop for both girls to pee...go left keep going..going..going..to Moab road, take a right (stop for girls to pee again)..go to Moab and get gas, everyone pees. Go south to Monticello, then cut across to 4 corners area thru Colorado. Stop at Cortez for gas and pee (since the next gas station is 200+ miles away) Go to Shiprock (New Mexico--Navajo Indian Reservation)...keep going thru absolutely nothing to Gallup..stop for gas and meal at Sonic. Every body pees again. Go left on I-whatever to Albequrque..stop for girls to pee..get back on blankety blank I-whatever to Tucumcari, stop for gas and peeing..continue on another hour and whatever to Amarillo...stop at hotel..uh sorry we are full, go to 20 other hotels that are full before you find the one behind the truck stop that was built 70 years ago...it smells like pee...crash for about 6 hours...tell the kids to wake up so we can go at 6:00 am, tell the kids to wake up so we can go at 6:15 am, tell the kids to really wake up so we can go at 6:30 am, tell the kids they better wake up we are late already at 6:45 am, tell the kids we really need to leave and wake up at 7:00 am, tell the kids to wake up for breakfast at mcdonalds at 7:15 am...kids in car at 7:15 and 30 seconds am...go south on highway thru a million little towns with speed traps until you get to Decatur TX...eat at dairy queen fill up at Exxon...everybody pees at dairy queen and exxon. go to Denton, then south thru Dallas and turn left to go to shreveport. stop in Longview to pee...go another hour, stop in shreveport to pee and get gas and eat at mcdonalds...go to Alexandria, stop to pee...go south on interstate to other interstate then take a left on other interstate and go to baton rouge. Stop in Port Allen to pee because they cant hold it any more.........throw them all off the I-10 mississippi river bridge when I get to Baton Rouge...tell sherriffs dept they jumped....go to Florida and have the time of my life....ALONE!!!!
Bruce

Hope you'll enjoyed this as much as I did.....BTW, from his house to ours here in Louisiana is approx. a 34 hour drive,would not want to do that with two women, He does this every year...glutton for punishment I guess....

[bonyhadi]

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a
roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main
street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in
and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold
beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied... "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

TOP EIGHT MORONS OF THE YEAR

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear
gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in
the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the
kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money
in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed
up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each
man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot".
The man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked.
"No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold
up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
finger to simulate a gun but, unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in
his
pocket.
(hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east
of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a
problem.
No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft
going.
It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power
was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a
nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.

The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct
size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath, he came up choking on water. He was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER ...THIS IS TRUE...
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. (no reflection on Claunch or Tractor Driver intended or implied!)

[CobraDan]

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush
and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says,
"Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real
honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III ". And the guy says,
"Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well,
we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one
blonde with big boobs.

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big boobs? Why kill
a blonde with big boobs? Bush turns to Powell, punches
him on the shoulder and says, "See? I told you no one
would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

[CobraDan]

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?", asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

[bonyhadi]

amazing how this works, put in your name and give it a test!

http://www.license.shorturl.com

[CobraDan]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow
down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry
applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition,
Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5
and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL
5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning
2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate

Reply...


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operation system. Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT
YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as
designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications
Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will create Snoringloudly.wav files. Whatever you do,
DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might
consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I
personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[CobraDan]

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from
the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and
you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

[CobraDan]

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.
"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

[bonyhadi]

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your New car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.


Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.


Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.


Q. How can you tell the porno star at the gas station?
A. Just as the gas starts up the hose, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays
the gas all over the car.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.


Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.


Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.


Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.


Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.


Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well-hung.


Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.


Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.


Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.


Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?
A: Cos no man would pull those faces on purpose.


Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving
their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.

[bonyhadi]

SICKDAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
all employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is
done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in th restroom. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all
employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees
whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may
swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors in writing
must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute
time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they
can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a
balance meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for
lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet
pill.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary,if we
see you wearing $350 Prada shoes & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you
are doing well financial and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's,
or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week, Management

[CobraDan]

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful
breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and
I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

[CobraDan]

Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"
Leon: "Yes, your honor."
Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your nane is Mr... Leon Sh!tferbrains, is it?"
Leon: "Yes, your honor."
Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Sh!tferbrains?"
Leon: " Melvin, your honor."

[bonyhadi]

Real E-Mail Addresses
_
|E]
.-|=====-. Many Universities, government offices and
| | MAIL | businesses tend to strip the first name down
|________|___ to 6 characters and add the first and last
|| initial to either the beginning or end to
|| make up an e-mail
|| www %%% address.
vwv || )_(,;;;, ,;,\_/ www
)_( || \|/ \_/ )_(\| (_) i.e. Mary L. Ferguson
\| \ || /\\|/ |/ \| \|// |
___\|//jgs||//_\V/_\|//_______\\|//V/\\|/__ = mlfergus or fergusml.

They are just now beginning to realize the problems this practice
may cause when you have a large and diverse pool of people to support
with e-mail. Add to that a large database of company/college
acronyms and you have some very funny addresses (although they are
undoubtedly not funny to the individual involved).

These are some examples of actual e-mail addresses seen on the Net.
Please do NOT e-mail these people.

Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University)
eatonsht@dku.edu

Martha Elizabeth Cummins (Fresno University)
cumminme@fu.edu

George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.)
blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania)
dickinme@iup.edu

Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University)
kissinfk@lvu.edu

Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating)
beeranbj@myplace.com

Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University)
aspicker@pu.edu

IDA Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University)
ibballin@bsu.edu

Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern
Division, Overton Canada)
btkisser@bendover.com

Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us)
ihadcock@tru.com

[bonyhadi]

Transportation in Heaven



Three men die and go to heaven. At the gate St. Peter
tells them, "Before you go into heaven, we are going to give you
each a vehicle with which to get around. The way we determine
what type of vehicle you will get is by how faithful you were to
your wives. Now," he says, turning to the first man,
"were you true to your wife?"

"Yes, I was, St. Peter," says the first man. "I never
strayed. From the day I married her to the day I died, I slept
with no woman other than my wife. I loved her very deeply."

"As reward for your complete fidelity," says St.
Peter, "I now give you these keys to a beautiful Roll-Royce."

The man happily accepts the keys, and St. Peter turns
to the second man. "Sir," he says, "were you faithful to you wife?"

"Well, St. Peter," says the second man a little shyly,
"I must admit that when I was much younger, I did stray once
or twice. But I did love my wife very much, and after those
minor indiscretions, I was completely faithful until my dying day."

St. Peter looks down at the man and says, "As a reward
for good marital conduct, I am giving you these keys to a
Pontiac."

As the man takes the keys St. Peter turns to
the third man. "Sir," he says, "were you faithful to you wife?"

"St. Peter," says the man, "I screwed everything I
could, every chance I got. There wasn't a week of my marriage that
I didn't sleep with someone other than, wife. But I must admit
to you, St. Peter, that it was a problem I had, because I really
did love my wife very much."

"Well," says St. Peter, "we do know that you did love
your wife and that does count for something, so this is what you
get." With that he rolls out a ten-speed bicycle and gives
it to the man. The gates of heaven open, and the three men enter


Sometime later the man on the bicycle is riding along,
when he sees that the man with the Rolls Royce has pulled over
and is sitting on the bumper of his car. He is sobbing
uncontrollably.
The man pulls his bicycle up next to the man and says,
"Hey, pal, what's the matter? What could possibility be wrong?
You have a beautiful Rolls Royce to drive arround in?"

"I know," says the man through his sobs,
"but I just saw my wife on roller skates!"