Joke of the Day...

[xlr8or]

LIFE'S RULES:

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world, but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, "Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing
up really fast.
6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
7. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get
elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,
make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius...because I told a friend my
plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and
tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom
door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

[bonyhadi]

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 min.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual Harassment

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?*
A: Marriage

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: Why are men like public toilets?
A: Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable"

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
A: The woman who ate the last donut.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.

Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where the breasts went.

Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody

[Doug Axelrod]

It's bad enough to have repeats in the same page, but to have repeats IN THE SAME POST??!!
sheesh

[bonyhadi]

DOUG
---------
What repeat?? I am at a loss. Sorry, but glad you are reading carefully.
Here is another for you;-
daniel


Cat Laws

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless
acted upon by some outside force - such as the
opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there
is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat
hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the
fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except
in the case of a cat, in which case all heat
flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to
the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever
possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the
people involved, and as comfortable as possible
for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just
about any counter top that has anything remotely
interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to
obstruct the maximum amount of human foot
traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until
he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is
served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for
very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a
human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor
destroyed and will, therefore, use as little
energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by
a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough,
someone will come along and take out something
good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump
into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over,
the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a
cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to
her embarrassment times the amount of human
laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared,
just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly
proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place
possible; often the midsection of an
unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own
volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse
proportion to the amount of effort a human
expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy
to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It
Doesn't Matter.

[CobraDan]

Sex Quiz
Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.
Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"
Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red-headed b!tch with a yeast infection.
Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.
Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

[bonyhadi]

LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP

2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER

3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY

4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT

5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER

6. YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG

7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT

8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY

9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE

10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER

11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR DICK

12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT

13. WHLE UR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS

14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE

15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER

16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER

17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL

18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION

19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL

20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER

21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

[CobraDan]

A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted.
At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.
She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.
"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.
Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "At our house, we have everything."
"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."
"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."
"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.
"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant.
That's when my dad said, "God, that's all we needed."

[bonyhadi]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive
blonde woman arrived and bet twenty- thousand dollars on a single roll of
the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Mama
needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She
jumped
up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the
money
and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[bonyhadi]

KEEP THE MOTOR RUNNING...

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married
a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital
to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This
is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered " You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again.

The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do
it?"

He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You
must be quite a man."

He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil.
This one's black."

[CobraDan]

* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Horn broken, watch for finger.

* My kid had sex with your honor student

* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

* Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an a$$hole.

* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

* Keep honking, I'm reloading.

* HANG UP AND DRIVE!!!!!

* Lord save me from your followers.

* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

* Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

[xlr8or]

Get off my A$$ or I'll flick buggar on your windshield!

[bonyhadi]

I'm Not Saying She's Easy, But


She's been on her knees more
times than Billy Graham.

She's been laid on more kitchen
floors than linoleum.

She's done more screwing than
Black and Decker.

She's responsible for more merry
men than Robin Hood.

She's turned more tricks than
Harry Houdini.

She's been boarded more times
than Amtrak.

She's been mounted more often
than Trigger.

She's entertained more troops
than Bob Hope.

She's been turned more ways than
Rubik's Cube.

She's spent more time under men
than barstools.

She's had more turnovers than the
International House of Pancakes.

[CobraDan]

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!.

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.

Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots....I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Hang up and drive.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will...I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

And the #1 bumper sticker of the week....Honk If You Want To See My Finger

Constipated people don't give a sh*t.
Practice safe sex, go fu*k yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your a$$, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

Thank you for pot smoking.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn broken...watch for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my a$$.

[a427sc]

BEER, Helping ugly women get laid for 1000 years.

[bonyhadi]

* Words Women Use...

FINE ~ This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel
we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe
how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES ~ This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the
trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING ~ If you ask her what is wrong and she says NOTHING, this means
something and you should be on your toes. NOTHING is usually used to
describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that
will last FIVE MINUTES and end with the word FINE.

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) ~ This is a dare. One that will result
in a woman getting upset over NOTHING and will end with the word FINE.

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) ~ This means "I give up" or "do what you want
because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just
a few minutes, followed by NOTHING and FINE and she will talk to you in
about FIVE MINUTES when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH ~ This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal
statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you
are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you over NOTHING.

SOFT SIGH ~ Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are
one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content.
Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY ~ This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman
can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and
hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have
done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in
conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near
future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some
mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO ~ This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving
you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for
doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell
the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS ~ A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say "you're
welcome."

THANKS A LOT ~ This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say,
"Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that
you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud
Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she
will only tell you "Nothing."

Please send this out to ALL men that you know just to warn them about
future arguments they can avoid if remembering all the terminology.

















* A piece

John took Vickie to the doctor. After an extensive examination, the
doctor said, "I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's mind is
completely gone!"

John replied, "Doctor, I'm not surprised. It's amazing that it lasted
this long. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day
for the past five years!"

[bonyhadi]

A Jewish gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought
his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive
cemetery.

On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.

She was quick to comment loud and long
on his thoughtlessness.

He replied, "Well, you haven't used the gift I
gave you last year."

[bonyhadi]

=== Cheatin' Johnny ===

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over
to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I
have a feeling that you have been cheating
on your tests.”

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to
prove it. “Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking
over your test and the question was, ‘Who was
our first president?’, and the little girl that
sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’
and so did you.”

“So, everyone knows that he was the first
president.”

“Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson.
“The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’
Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.”

“Well, I read the history book last night and I
remembered that,” said Johnny.

“Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson. The next question
was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana
Purchase?’ Mary put ‘I don't know,’ and you put,
‘Me neither’.”


=== Baby Talk ===

Little Johnny came running into the house and
asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom
heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we
can play that game again!"

[CobraDan]

Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum, and one named No Cum.
No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No Cum Tu.
For velly oblious reason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any childlen.
One day, No Cum went out of town on business and I Cum came over and spent the night with No Cum Tu. That night I Cum came and No Cum Tu came, too. This make both velly happy.
However, about 7 or 8 months later, No Cum see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby come he named it How Cum U Cum.
Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came, but to this day No Cum not know how How Cum U Cum came!

[Dave Samson]

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all
gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when
you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date
when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed
her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.

"Now THAT'S a good date!"

[CobraDan]

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.