Joke of the Day...

[Clois Harlan]

Top 10---Best Golf Caddie Remarks

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

[bonyhadi]

Losing Your Load

A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl catches up. She knocks
on the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl says "Hi, my
name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. The trucker stops
for another red light and the girl again catches up. She knocks on the
door and the trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name is
Heather and you are losing some of your load!"

He ignores her again and continues down the street. The trucker stops
for still another red light and the girl catches up again all out of
breath. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again
she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"

He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops. The
trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says:

"Hi, my name is Kevin and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"


























A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about
10 miles from his farm. To get there he must drive his
tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him.
Halfway through the plowing, the tractor runs out of
fuel. He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride,
which just happens to be a Ferrari. The driver says,
"You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car."
The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."
The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his
car can do and lets it rip.
Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the
window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him.
He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he
slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly.
The driver jumps out exclaiming, "He's the most incredible
dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that he's
wearing?"
The farmer shook his head and said, "That's not a collar,
that's his asshole... he's not used to stopping that fast."




























Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a
long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts,
but he knew the penalty for this would death. One day he revealed his secret
desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief
doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the
Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to
arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to have
Horatio the Physician arrange it and he would gladly pay the 1,000 gold coins
for the chance to satisfy his desires for the Queen. The next day, Horatio
the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the
Queen's massive brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she
dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the
Royal chambers to address the incident, Horatio the Physician informed the
King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would
cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick
the Dragon Slayer had present the antidote to cure the itch. King Arthur
quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio, the Physician then slipped
Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly
put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, worked passionately on
the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was
eventually relieved and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the
Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now
satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that
Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him
away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a
massive dose of the same itching powder into King Arthur's loincloth. King
Arthur quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
























While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his
luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his
surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if
he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon
as they get back to her place, they dive onto the bed and spend the night
hard at it.

Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his
jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if
she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she
replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting
neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke
begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, wrong again," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and
replies, "That's me before the operation."

[CobraDan]

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order,
"Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights." Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook,
"I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"
The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."
The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.
He looks at it and growls,
"What's this? I didn't order this!"
The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"

[bonyhadi]

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem
like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance
rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and
try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give
up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court and the judge said to the
first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs
forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles, one big and
one small, and told them the big circle is your brain before
drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs
forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small
circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison......"








Shortly before he was married, someone asked Abraham Lincoln
about his fiancee's family name.

"The Todds are very important people," Lincoln replied. "They
require two d's at the end of their name. The Almighty is
content with one."



"I know my sexuality, but I get so confused by other people's.
I don't even know the difference between transvestites and
transsexuals. As I understand it, transvestites are the ones
that grow down from the ceiling and transsexuals are the ones
that grow up."
---Pamela Yager

"Sex after children slows down. Every three months now we have
sex. Every time I have sex, the next day I pay my quarterly taxes.
Unless it's oral sex--then I renew my driver's license."
---Ray Romano

[bonyhadi]

Statistical Findings:
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date
20% of the men had sex in a nontraditional place
36% of the women favor nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the
office at the end of the day.
Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!





Safety Tips For Men Who Visit XXX Websites

1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is on.

2. The orifices in the back of your monitor are *not* intended
for participation in live sex shows.

3. The fan in your computer's power supply is not a good place
to cool your "heat of passion" (although, it would certainly
be an enlightening experience).

4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy
"tickling the keys" with your manhood.

5. Semen IS electrically conductive!


















Maude and Claude

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived
in a senior citizen's residence.
They met in the social center and
discovered over time that they enjoyed
each other's company. After several
weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude
asked Maude out for dinner and she
accepted. They had a lovely evening.

Afterwards, Claude asked Maude to
join him at his place for an
after-dinner drink. Things continued
along a natural course and, age
being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined
Claude for amost enjoyable roll in
the feathers.

As they were basking in the glow
of the magic moments they shared,
each was lost for a time in their
own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known
she was a virgin, I'd have been more
gentle."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known
he could still get it up, I'd have
taken off my pantyhose."

[bonyhadi]

During a wild party at Molly's Moon, Valerie had too much to drink and
strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down
to watch the stars. Valerie was almost asleep when a cow, searching
for
clover, carefully stepped over her.

Groggily, she raised her head and said, "One at a time, boys... one at
a time."





































"Fly" Over Aerial Photos Of Your Home/Office

Check out the web address below. It's a new site (loads
kinda slow). Punch in your area code or home address, and it
shows you a really cool aerial view of your neighborhood. All
kinds of buttons to play with, too.

http://terrafly.fiu.edu/




It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was
establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this
year.
While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Bob ****hauer."

Upset, the teacher said very loudly, "THERE'LL BE NONE OF THAT KIND OF
BEHAVIOR IN MY CLASS THIS YEAR, now Bob; tell me your real name!"

The kid said, "No, really teacher, it is Bob ****hauer. You can go across
the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"

Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across
the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door.

The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for
a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you
have ****hauer in here?"

"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a
damn cookie break!"













In school the lesson was about the word "contagious".

The teacher asked the class if anyone could use the word contagious in
a sentence.

One girl raised her hand and said, "I had the chicken pox and I
couldn't go outside and play because it was contagious."

The teacher replied, "That was good. Can anyone else use contagious in
a sentence?"

One of the boys said, "I couldn't go over my friend's house because he
had a cold and my mother said it was contagious."

The teacher replied, "That's good. Anyone else?"

Little Johnny said, "Last week when we had the snowstorm, my father
took the snowblower and blew all the snow into my neighbor's driveway."

The teacher was upset and said, "That was a horrible thing to do.
And besides, it has nothing to do with the lesson."

Johnny spoke up, "Yes it does. My father came in the house laughing,
saying it will take the contagious to shovel herself out."
































Mick and Paddy get off a ship and head for the nearest bar. Each
one orders two whiskeys and immediately downs them. They then order
two more whiskeys and once again quickly throw them back. They then
order another two whiskeys apiece.

Paddy picks up one of his drinks, turns to Mick and says, "Cheers!"

Mick turns to Paddy and says, "Hey, did you come here to bull****,
or did you come here to drink?"





























OK, there's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's
a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee
time, gets up very early and plays golf all day long.

Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses
quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to
his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential
downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is
blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the
TV to the weather channel.* From there he finds it's going
to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back
into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed
where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The
*weather out there is terrible."

To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband
is out golfing?"










































The little girl had just listened to her mother's
reading one of her favorite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin
with "Once Upon a Time...?""

"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they
start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late
at the office tonight . .

[CobraDan]

One day a little boy came home from school to find his parents arguing fiercly.
Not realizing the child was present, they were throwing profanities at each other.
The MOM said "Get out you BASTARD!" The DAD said "Shut up you B!TCH!" The son looked at his parents and said "What do B!TCH and BASTARD mean?"
Surprised to see their son, The DAD said, "B!TCH and BASTARD is just another name for LADIES and GENTLEMEN".
Satisfied with his answer, the little boy went happily to his room.

A few weeks later, he awoke in the middle of the night to hear a racket coming from his parents bedroom.
He went to investigate. The MOM said "Oh suck my TITS!", The DAD said "Oh lick my BALLS!" The little boy said, "What does TITS and BALLS mean?"
Surprised to see their son standing in the doorway, The MOM said "TITS and BALLS is just another name for HATS and COATS." Satisfied with the answer, the little boy went back to bed.
The next day, the little boy was in the kitchen while his mother was cutting up a turkey for dinner. She accidentaly cut her thumb with the knife, and forgetting that the boy was there, she screamed "FU*K!" The little boy asked, "MOM, what does fu*k mean?" Not wanting to be a bad mother she said "It's just another word for CUTTING TURKEY."
Satisfied with his answer, the little boy went to find his father. His father was in the bathroom shaving and suddenly cut his face with the razor.
Not realizing that his son was watching him. he said "SH!T!" The little boy said "DAD, what does SH!T mean?" DAD, realizing the boy was there, said "It's just another word for SHAVING CREAM."
The boy satisfied with his answer left to go watch T.V.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang. The family's dinner guest had arrived.
Knowing his parents were busy, the little boy answered the door. He also wanted to show the company what a smart little boy he was. When he opened the door he exclaimed, "Come in B!TCHES and BASTARDS, hang up your TITS and BALLS, DAD'S in the bathroom shaving the SH!T off his face and MOM'S in the kitchen FU*KING the turkey.

[bonyhadi]

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a
stranger
in bed with his wife.

He says, "What the hell are you two doing?"

His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."




















What I've Learned From Watching Porn

Rated R

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with
embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy ****s.

11. People in the 70s couldn't **** unless there was a wild guitar solo in the
background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect
penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the
boyfriend won't bash seven shades of **** out of you if you shove your cock in
his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving
her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be
momentarily pissed off before ****ing the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to
"suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties
concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers
and find a cock there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on
the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

[BrianBhoy]

> An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their
> wives.
>
>
> The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to
place
> her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
> underwear.
>
>
> "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
>
>
> "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy
any."
>
>
> The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says," For the
sake
> of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear."
>
>
> Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt
> blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
>
>
> "Bejesus woman. You've no knickers - why not?"
>
>
> She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
>
>
> He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's
20
> pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear!"
>
>
> Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over
> her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
>
>
> "Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?"
>
>
> She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be
able
> to afford any."
>
>
> The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency
here's
> a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!"
>

[bonyhadi]

Why Fishin' Is Better Than Making Love

*When you go fishin' and you catch somethin, that's good. If you're making love
and you catch somethin,that's bad.

* Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither. And don't want to know how
many other fish you caught.

* In fishin' you lie about the one that got away. In lovin' you lie about the one you
caught.

* You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie, and promise to still be
friends after you let it go.

* You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

* You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman
you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

* Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishin.'

[CobraDan]

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) -- adj. Being able to drive and read a road map at the same time.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) -- adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) -- n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) -- n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

BUZZACKS (buz' aks) -- n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) -- n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DIMP (dimp) -- n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') -- v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) -- n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) -- n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) -- n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) -- n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) -- n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) -- n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) -- n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') -- n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) -- adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) -- n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) -- n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) -- n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

[bonyhadi]

Math Test...

MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS

Name______________________________________________ ________
(If longer, please continue on separate sheet)

School ___________________________________

Daddy's Company( or Net Worth ) __________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing X amount of damage and
killing three people. The old man asks his local CC to intervene in the
court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of Y.
The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement
for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand
products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of
a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Honduras and Fiona doesn't
even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Bertram fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has
enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol,
how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

4. If Verity throws up four times a day for a week she can fit in a size 8
Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to
make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Marstin IV is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies
women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However, he
only has access to the Hoover every third week. What's the price of new
Electrolux ?

[CobraDan]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
The beech says to the birch "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash have ever put my pecker in!

[bonyhadi]

Diet Questions Answered.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your
car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a
cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism
of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
slop.


Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and
vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything
in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and
vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal,
and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so
that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio
is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in
a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain - Good.


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How
could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans...another vegetable. It's
the best feel good food around!


I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
had about food and diets.

Have a cookie...flour is a grain!




















A little trivia to clutter your mind

1. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed
to speak.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the
typing.
5. The shark is the only fish that can blink with both
eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New
Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English
language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over
the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are
stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange,silver,or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the
letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the
Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14.. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room
during
a dance.
16. Maine is the only state (in USA) whose name is
just
one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language
which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous,
stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra
Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a
watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used
furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street
were
named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in
Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. Rubberbands last longer when refrigerated.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher
walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in
his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed
with only the left hand.
NOW you know everything...You could be a TEENAGER!!!






















> > > > > My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
> > > > > "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just
> > > > > finished cleaning!"
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me RELIGION:
> > > > > "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
> > > > > "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the
> > > > > middle of next week!"
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me LOGIC:
> > > > > "Because I said so, that's why."
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me LOGIC:
> > > > > "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
> > > > > you're not going to the store with me."
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
> > > > > "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case
> > > > > you're in an accident"
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me IRONY:
> > > > > "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
> > > > > "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
> > > > > "Will you 'look' at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me about STAMINA:
> > > > > "You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me about WEATHER:
> > > > > "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
> > > > > "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you,
> > > > > would you listen THEN?"
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
> > > > > "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times-Don't
> > > > > Exaggerate!!!"
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
> > > > > "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
> > > > > "Stop acting like your father!"
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me about ENVY!
> > > > > "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
> > > > > who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
> > > > > "Just wait until we get home."
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:
> > > > > "You are going to get it when we get home!"
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
> > > > > "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to
> > > > > freeze that way."
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
> > > > > "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get
> > > > > a good job."
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me ESP:
> > > > > "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me HUMOR:
> > > > > "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running
> > > > > to me."
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
> > > > > "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me about SEX:
> > > > > "How do you think you got here?"
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
> > > > > "You're just like your father."
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
> > > > > "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
> > > > > "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
> > > > >
> > > > > And my all time favorite........................
> > > > > My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
> > > > > "One day you'll have kids ...and I hope they turn out
> > > > > just like you!"
> > > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> >
> >
>

[bonyhadi]

Company Memo
Notice: Our company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone gets enough exercise:

jumping to conclusions,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
and pushing their luck!

[CobraDan]

Three old men are discussing their sex lives.
The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made
passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made
passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."
The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours."
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife
scream for 6 hours?"
"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

[trctrdrvr]

How can you tell when a Nascar fan is watching a Formula 1 race?

When he taps you on the shoulder & asks " are we watching qualifying?"




Mike

[CobraDan]

This is men bashing ?

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make
you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
--------------------------------------------------- A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
--------------------------------------------------- "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
---------------------------------------------------
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
---------------------------------------------------
He said - Two inches more and I would be king
She said - Two inches less, and you'd be queen
---------------------------------------------------
On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere..."
Written just below it "I do not"
---------------------------------------------------
For my friends the GASHOLES
He said - Should we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
---------------------------------------------------
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

[bonyhadi]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple
of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl,
it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here
beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'
these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the
bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and
each put a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the
sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

... "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."









A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a
massive hangover and can't remember
anything he did last night.

He picks up his dressing gown from the
floor and puts it on. He notices there's
something in one of the pockets and it
turns out to be a bra. He thinks to himself,
"Uh oh. What happened last night?"

He walks towards the bathroom and finds
a panty in the other pocket of his gown.
Again he thinks, "What happened last night.
What have I done? It must have been a wild
party," making his best attempt to conclude
and accept the evidence.

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and
has a look in the mirror. He notices a little
string hanging out of his mouth and his only
thought is, "If there's a God, please let this
be a tea bag."
















One Sunday morning, a young woman, who needed forgiveness for
her sins, came to a Baptist church. She got up in front of the
congregation and stated, "Last week, I slept with a young soldier
who picked me up at a bar and now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."

"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation.

She continued, "Two days ago, I slept with a young sailor, but
now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."

"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again.

"But tonight, because I have come here and done my penance, I
will sleep with the Lord," she finished. But before the
congregation could respond, an old drunk in the back yelled out
in a clear voice, "That's right momma, **** 'em all."





















Bubba had three daughters.

One Saturday evening the door bell rang. Bubba answered the
door, where he was greeted by a young man with bad case of acne.

The boy smiled, and said, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here to pick
up Flo. We're going to see a show. Can she go?"

Bubba shook his head, and told his daughter to have a nice time.

A short time later there was a knock at the door. Upon opening
the door Bubba was greeted by another pimple faced boy who smiled
and said, "Hi, my name is Eddie. I'm here to pick up Betty.
We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?"

Bubba shook his head, and kissed his daughter good night.

No sooner had Bubba sat down that the bell rang again. Bubba
opened the door to be greeted by a boy with clear skin who said,
"Hi, My name is Chuck." With that, Bubba shot him.

[bonyhadi]

the eight qualities of a perfect man:

Brave
Intelligent
Gentle

Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive

And if all else fails, well ... read the CAPITAL LETTERS only