Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a stunning redhead sprawled on the ground unconscious.
Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response.
Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond.
Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse,and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.
The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.
"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"
"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber balloons!

[bonyhadi]

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY.....

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a
vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the
Woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn
movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find
your birth control pills. Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter. Bad: She
keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a
shotgun. Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly:
He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your
co-workers are her best clients. Way ugly: She makes more money than
you.

[CobraDan]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a
state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no
reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, bent over to pick it up and set off all the other bells.

[CobraDan]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as
he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer,he would be put to death.
The question: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch--only she would know the answer. The price would be high;
the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first:
The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!Young Arthur was horrified: She was
hunchbacked and hideous, had only
one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises... etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to
endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding
was proclaimed,and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.
The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The
most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him!
The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she
would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day,a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of
his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.



Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,because he had respected her
enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
The moral is:
If a woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!

[CobraDan]

One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil-covered chocolate candy coins).
There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.
The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's this?"
The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son."
To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"
With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are NOT for children, young man."
And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!"

[bonyhadi]

The doctor tells his patient: "Linda, I have some good news and some
bad news."
Linda asks for the good news first.
"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't
suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."
"And the bad news?" Linda asks.
To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a
natural *****."
================================================== ===========
Using the keyboard to measure your DillyWhacker
1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded
hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately
below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on
the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).
2. Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number
key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is ``1234567890-+'' the
backspace key removes the.)

3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a
distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare intently at
the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground.
Repeat the above test.


Cautions
1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.

2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard, or place two
keyboards end to end.

3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down
with alcohol first.

4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire
extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT. Test can also be used to
diagnose some genital disorders.


Test Results Diagnosis
1 -- You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome

12367 -- You have a strange gap in your penis

12efgbn -- Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean.

12wgui,l=]\ -- Seek immediate medical care.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg.

The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear
lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says "Father remember
psalm 129."

The priest apologizes profusely and removes his hand but is unable to
remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on when he changes gear and has oggled at her leg for the
zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun once
again says "Father remember psalm 129"

Once again the priest apologizes "Sorry sister but you know the flesh
is weak."

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his
way.

Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up psalm
129 it said: "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Woman!
1. We can get laid anytime we want.
2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar.

3. We pee sitting down so it's easier to pass out on the toilet when you're
drunk.

4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying.

5. We get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg.

6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class.

7. We get to shop at Victoria's Secret.

8. We can marry rich and then not have to work.

9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates.

10. Men take us on all expense paid trips - all we have to do is sleep with
them

11. Men light our cigarettes for us.

12. Men hold the door open for us.

13. We pout better. (those puppy dog eyes always work!)

14. We're cuter.

15. We lie better.

16. We're better manipulators.

17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves
- you guys get the couch.

18. We always have food in the fridge.

19. We don't worry about losing our hair.

20. We always get to choose the movie.

21. We don't have to mow the lawn.

22. We don't have to take out the garbage.

23. We don't have to paint the house or walls.

24. PMS - yet another excuse to ***** at men.

25. Cosmopolitan.

26. We can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves deeper into a
hole.

27. Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold.

28. PMS is a legal defense for murder.

29. Men are like tiles, lay 'em right the first time you can walk all over em
forever.

30. We can masturbate more in a day than men.

31. 2 words - multi orgasmic!

32. We don't have to constantly adjust our genitals.

33. Sweat is sexy on us.

34. We never run out of excuses.

35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be
having it that often.

36. Doggie style - that way we get to watch the game, too.

37. We get expensive jewelry as gifts that we NEVER have to give back.

38. We get candy, flowers and jewelry all the time because men screw up so
often.

39. We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner.

40. Women are cleaner.

41. Women have more than one erogenous zone. (in case you guys didn't know)

42. We're better arguers.

43. We don't always have to think with our genitals.

44. Massage!!!!

45. We're better parents.

46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night.

47. There's never a shortage of ready, willing, and able men.

48. We're flexible.

49. When women get upset, we don't destroy property or hurt people - we just
take it out on the world in general because we can.

50. Menopause - thank heaven we're not capable of having children after we're
50.

51. Menstruation - just another excuse to use so we can say "no" to sex.

52. Men in uniform.

53. There is no penis envy.

54. We can just roll over and go to sleep after we masturbate because there's
no messy cleanup.

55. It generally takes us less to get drunk.

56. We have a higher tolerance to pain.

57. We often get to cut in line.

58. Most women actually look good in short shorts - men DON'T.

59. Better tips.

60. Women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do
it, it's rather disgusting

61. We have mastered civilized eating - we don't embarrass our friends or
make loud bodily noises in public.

62. Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell
disgusting - thank heaven for long pants and perfume! 63. We can connive men
into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we
want.

64. We don't have excessive amounts of body hair.

65. We don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet. 66. Men will pay us for sex.

67. Smoking the seeds in marijuana doesn't make us sterile.

68. We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return.

69. Men may fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at a time,
but we can have sex with an entire football team at once if we want.

70. Men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car
hits us, he gets hurt not us.

71. Women sweat less.

72. Women smell better.

73. When women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money on
flowers or cards - a blow job and sex fixes all.

74. Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats.

75. Women don't get the humor in the three stooges.

76. Women have three accessible holes.

77. We don't get embarrassed when buying tampons.

78. We're better gossips.

79. We have better fashion sense.

80. We're better shoppers.

81. We don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man.

82. Our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone.

83. Men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and I'm not gonna tell
you)

84. We're all sitting on a gold mine - we know it and use it to our extreme
advantage.

85. We don't have to drive when on a date.

86. An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable -
ugly men are just screwed.

87. Women can use the old "that mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn"
line.

88. Women know how fake it.

89. Women look better naked

90. We know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing.

91. When women are short, we're petite. When men are short, they're just
short.

92. Women do less time for violent crimes.

93. Women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up.

94. An oblong vegetable is all we need for a good time any night.

95. Women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok
then bye"

96. Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood.

97. Women never have to see combat.

98. The remote control is not an extension of ourselves.

99. Women are sexier.

and the 100th reason its better to be a woman - this one is definitely worthy
of reiteration:

100. We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it!

[bonyhadi]

Think you know everything?
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

6. There are more chickens than people in the world.

7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

8. The longest one syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
building is an American flag.

10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or
purple.

12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."

13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the
back on the $5 bill.

14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.

15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora Reina de los
Angeles de Porciuncula"

19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer

24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the
cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."

25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and
a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand
..now you know everything.
==========================================
Inventions by Blondes
The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlights

Submarine screen doors

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart boards

A dictionary index

Mechanical Pencil sharpener

Powdered water

Pedal-powered wheel chairs

Waterproof tea bags

Watermelon seed sorter

Zero proof alcohol

Reuseable ice cubes

See-through toilet tissue

Skinless bananas

Do-it-yourself road map

Turnip ice cream

Toe implants

An all white flag

Rolls Royce pickup truck

[bonyhadi]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL WORD
Well, it's ****........That's right, ****! **** may just be the most functional word in the English language. Consider: You can be
**** faced, **** out of luck, Or have **** for brains. With a little effort, you can get your **** together, Find a place for your ****
Or decide to **** or get off the pot. You can smoke ****, Buy ****, sell ****, Lose ****, find ****, Forget ****, And tell others to eat
**** and die. Some people know their ****, While others can't tell the difference between **** and shineola. There are lucky
****s, Dumb ****s, Crazy ****s, And sweet ****s. There is bull ****, Horse **** And chicken ****. You can throw ****, Sling ****,
Catch ****, Shoot the ****, Or duck when **** hits the fan. You can give a **** Or serve **** on a shingle. You can find yourself
in deep **** Or be happier than a pig in ****. Some days are colder than ****, Some days are hotter than ****, And some days
are just plain ****ty. Some music sounds like ****, Things can look like ****, And there are times when you feel like ****. You
can have too much ****, Not enough ****, The right ****, The wrong **** Or a lot of weird ****. You can carry ****, Have a
mountain of ****, Or find yourself up **** creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to ****, And other
times you fall in a bucket of **** and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, It's the basic
building block of creation. And remember, once you know your ****, You don't need to know anything else! You could pass
this along, if you give a ****!













Boys and girls
BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an
hour.
PETER : Yes darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette his mouth.

Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.

Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.?


















WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT: So your daughter's a hooker, and it
spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.


1) My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire. I noticed your
cat. Sorry!

2) You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet
of
flowers and a box of Depends.

3) Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine, I got real snippy.

4) You totaled your car.
And can't remember why. Could it have been That whole case of Bud
Dry?

5) "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but
wonder: What the f*** was I thinking?"

6) "Congratulations on
your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

7) "How could two people
as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

8) "I've always wanted to
have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've
changed my mind."

9) I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in
Hell
until I met you." "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that
you're not
here to ruin it for me."

10) "Thanks for being a
part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"

11) "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to
take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."

12) "Happy Birthday!
You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"

13) "When we were
together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise."

14) "We have been friends
for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

15) "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

16) "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who
the father is?"

17) "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and
there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you
often."

18) "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday... so we're having you put to sleep."













Quick Intelligence Test

1. If you went to bed at 8 o'clock at night and
wound up your clock
alarm to get you up at 9 o'clock the next
morning, how many hours
sleep would you get?

2. Do they have a 4th of July in England?

3. How many birth days does the average man have?


4. Why can't a man living in Winston-Salem, NC,
be buried west of the
Mississippi River?

5. If you had only one match and entered a room
in which there was a
kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a
woodburning stove, which would
you light first?

6. Some months have 30 days, some have 31; how
many months have 28 days?

7. If a doctor gave you 3 pills and told you to
take one every half hour,
how long would they last you?

8. A man builds a house and all four sides have a
southern exposure. A
bear wanders by - what color is the bear?

9. How far can a dog run into the woods?

10. What four words appear on every denomination
of U.S. coins?

11. In baseball, how many outs in an inning?

12. I have in my hand only 2 U.S. coins which
total 55 cents in value.
One is not a nickel. What are the coins?

13. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How
many did he have left?

14. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add ten. What is the
answer?

15. Two men were playing checkers. Each played
five games and each man won
the same number of games. No draws. How can
this be?

16. Take two apples from three apples and what do
you have?

17. An archaeologist claimed he found some coins
of gold dated to 46 B.C.
Do you think he did?
18. How many animals of each species did Moses
take aboard the Ark with
him?
19. Is it legal in California for a man to marry
his widow's sister?

************************************************** **********

Here are the >answers:
1. 1 hour of sleep. Wind up clocks don't have
am/pm settings.
2. Yes, and a 5th, a 6th, ...
3. 1
4. He could be buried alive but that would be
awful.
5. Light the match first.
6. All 12 have 28 days
7. 1 hour
8. White. The North Pole is the only place where
all four sides face
south.
9. halfway, then he would be running out of the
woods.
10. In God We Trust
11. 6 outs per inning
12. A half-dollar and a nickel. (Only one was not
a nickel)
13. 9 sheep
14. 70
15. They weren't playing against each other
16. 2 apples
17. How can coins be dated B.C. if the
designation didn't exist until
A.D.
18. I thought Noah brought 2 of each animal, not
Moses
19. No. Can't marry someone if you're dead.

[bonyhadi]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses
around, then spots the perfect car and walks over
to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine
leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if
anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes
a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she
turns back, there standing next to her, is a
salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching
it, you are going to **** when you hear the
price."











EVER WONDER
>
>
>
> >Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
> >
> >Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
> >
> >Why don't you ever see the headline
> >"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
> >
> >Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
> >
> >Why is it that doctors call what they do
> >"practice"?
> >
> >Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
> >
> >Why is lemon juice made with artificial
> >flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
> >
> >Why is the man who invests all your money
> >called a broker?
> >
> >Why is the time of day with the slowest
> >traffic called rush hour?
> >
> >Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
> >
> >When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
> >
> >Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
> >
> >Why do they sterilize the needle for
> >lethal injections?
> >
> >You know that indestructible black box
> >that is used on airplanes? Why don't
> >they make the whole plane out of that
> >stuff?
> >
> >Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
> >
> >Why are they called apartments when they
> >are all stuck together?
> >
> >If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
> >
> >If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
> >
> > In case you needed further proof that the
> >human race is doomed through stupidity,
> >here are some actual label instructions
> >on consumer goods.
> >
> >On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while
> >sleeping. ( and that's the only time
> >I have to work on my hair).
> >
> >On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a
> >winner! No purchase necessary.Details
> >inside. (the shoplifter special)?
> >
> >On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions:
> >Use like regular soap." (and that would
> >be how???....)
> >
> >On some Swanson frozen dinners:
> >"Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's
> >"just" a suggestion).
> >
> > On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on
> >bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
> >(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
> >
> > On Marks & Spencer Bread
> >Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you
>thought????...)
> >
> >On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
> >wouldn't this save me more time)?
> >
> >On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate
>machinery
> >after taking this medication." (We
> >could do a lot to reduce the rate of
> >construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
> >head-colds off those forklifts.)
> >
> >On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May
> >cause drowsiness."
> >(and...I'm taking this because???....)
> >
> >On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
>(as
> >opposed to...what)?
> >
> >On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now,
> >somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
> >
> >On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning:
> >contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
> >
> >On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
> >"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
> >
> >On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable
>you
> > to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this
>one.)
> >
> > Now that you've smiled at least once,
> >it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you
>want
>to
> >bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to
> >everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
>












Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State building
drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says, "You know,
last week I
discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you
fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it
carries
you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping down the bar,
but says nothing. The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's
no way in hell that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man,
"let
me prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the
street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around
the
building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back
up to the bar.

He meets the second man, who is astonished. "You know I saw that wind
with my own eyes, but that must've been a one-time fluke. That was
scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as
his body hurtles toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him
around the
building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar.

Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it.
"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so
I'll try
it!"

He immediately jumps over the balcony, plunges downward....rapidly passes
the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors....his body hits the sidewalk with a loud
"splat.

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the
first drinker, and shakes his head. He says..."You know, Superman, you're a
real asshole when you're drunk."












EGGS IN LOVE

Two eggs had just been married and were on their
honeymoon. While they
were sitting on the bed making out, the female
egg pushed the male egg
away and said, "I just have to go to the
bathroom. Be back in a
minute."

Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife
walk out in a slinky
egglige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth,
ovally body.

Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the
top of his head,
covering it completely. The female egg looked at
him and asked what he
was doing. He replied, "The last time I was this
hard, someone cracked
me on the head with a spoon!"
















Signs Your Neighbor Has a Dirty Bomb


16> Three times this week she's come over to
borrow a cup of
uranium-238.

15> Daily muffled booms and the constant smell of

charred hamster.

14> Her every outfit is coordinated with a
matching lead apron.

13> There's a large pile of dead Jehovah's
Witnesses at his
front door.

12> The box-office total for the first weekend of

his new movie,
"Bill and Monica's Excellent Adventure," was
only $4860.

11> After listening attentively to your Amway
spiel, she asks
if you sell bomb cleaner.

10> Always kind of squirrelly, his son Skippy is
now completely
indistinguishable from one.

9> A 20-foot pineapple just ate your dog, kennel

and all.

8> The nearest nuclear plant is 300 miles away,
but your
goldfish just started quoting Aristotle.

7> You see a mushroom cloud in his back yard,
yet his BBQ grill
is covered.

6> Before: Whines about how nobody likes him.
Now: Cackles about how everyone will fear
him.

5> You no longer step in your dog's poop now
that it glows
like neon.

4> Before you can even load the bong, that weed
he grows in his
basement fires up all on its own.

3> None of his other bombs press you for anal.

2> You're a day late returning his hedge trimmer

and he gets
all "Hulk smash!" on you.

1> When CNN airs spy-plane footage of the
suspected Al-Qaeda
terrorist compound, you spot your kid's
Frisbee on the roof.















Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96
year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure.

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's
at the door."










Dog Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it' mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours
in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces
are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put
it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

[bonyhadi]

You Know You have Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When: You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

Its Good to be the Woman We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening
anyway.

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from
insomnia." -- Joseph Wood Krutch

Actual logged maintenance complaints and problems P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken
by the engineers. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.

You Know You have Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When: You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

Least Popular Street Names Vicious Circle

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." * Johnny Carson

You Know You have Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When: You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to
knit.

Its Good to be the Woman There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it
just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
* Richard Jeni

doglet -- any breed of dog so small it can be terrorized by the average-sized house cat

Its Good to be the Woman We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

Little Known Illnesses OREOPOROSIS Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.











You do know the difference between a Fairy Tale and a Sea Story, don't
you?

A Fairy Tale starts out "Once upon a time," while a Sea Story begins
with, "Now, this is a 'no-****ter.'"

Brotha Jim SWEARS on his mother's life that this is a "no-****ter."
That it's true.

Jim plays golf down in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. The course was built right
next to a cemetery. One of the greens is right next to the fence that
separates the golf course from the cemetery.

One afternoon, Jim was playing with a well-known loudmouth and they
came up to that green.

Loudmouth had about a 50 foot putt to sink. He took out his putter and
whacked the ball towards the hole.

It so just happens on the other side of the fence there was a funeral
in process. Jim says, "Honest to God, that putt *almost* made it in
about the time the pastor across the fence got done with the service.
Loudmouth shouts -- loud enough for the funeral to hear -- 'Get in
that damn hole, mother****er!'"





















CONSTRUCTION WORKER

There was this construction worker on
the 3rd floor of this unfinished building.
He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy
to go down and get it himself, so he
tried to call his fellow worker on the
ground to get it for him, but this guy
could not hear a word he said. So he
started to give a sign so the guy on
the ground could understand him.

So first he pointed at his eyes
(meaning "I") then pointed at his
knees (meaning "need",) and moved
his hand back and forth describing
the movement of a hand saw.

Finally the guy on the ground started
nodding his head like he understood
and dropped his pants and started to
jack off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed
and ran down to the ground and started
yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was
trying to say, I need a hand saw". The
other guy replied: "I know, I was trying
to tell you that "I am coming...".













On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car
accident. The couple find themselves sittng outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they
begin to wounder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter
shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first
time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat
and waited for an answer ... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married
in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they woundered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking some what
bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a devorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced
with anger, slams his clipboard onto the gound. "What's wrong?" asked the
frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peater shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest
up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer !
~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set,
place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they
wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the
set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have
great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on t he set and
his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The
purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."











One Saturday evening the door bell rang.
Bubba answered the door, where he was
greeted by a young man with bad case of
acne.

The boy smiled, and said, "Hi, my name
is Joe. I'm here to pickup Flo. We're going
to see a show. Can she go?"

Bubba shook his head,* told his daughter
to have a nice time.

A short time later there was a knock at the
door.* Upon opening the door Bubba was
greeted by another pimple faced boy who
smiled and said, "Hi, my name is Eddie.
I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going out
for spaghetti.* Is she ready?"

Bubba shook his head, and kissed his
daughter good night.

No sooner had Bubba sat down that the
bell rang again. Bubba opened the door to
be greeted by a boy with clear skin who said,
"Hi, My name is Chuck."* With that, Bubba
shot him.







A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He
took his faithful pet
dog along for company. One day the dog starts
chasing butterflies and before
long the dog discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with
the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks,
"OK, I'm in deep
kimshee now!" Then he noticed some bones on the
ground close by, and
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching
cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims
loudly, "Boy, that was
one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more
around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride,
as a look of terror
comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the leopard.
"That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard
with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool
of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to
that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks,
"What am I going to do now?"But instead of running, the dog sits down with
his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet
................... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says,
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me a
leopard"








*There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the
*table.
*The little children (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet
*into Grandpa's drink.

*After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the
*bathroom.* When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.
*"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.

*"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom."
*"So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"














Subject: Self Preservation!


Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a West Virginian mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a
comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head. On his second day,
the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked
several of his teeth. On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. . . the
Army is still looking for him

[Lumberman]

The Test

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement ?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[bonyhadi]

How can you tell if you're in a lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have any balls.












Two 80 year old geezers are driving down the road when they hear the
Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: "It makes you feel young
again."

John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a
bottle of that stuff!"

Sylvester agrees and the two old geezers pull over and get a bottle of
Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.

About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young
yet?"

"No," replies John.

So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue
to drive down the road.

A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?"

"No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"












Mrs. Jones had a feeling that her husband was cheating on her so
she got two of the kids from next door to spy on him and see if he
was cheating on her. The two boys climbed up a tree and looked
onto Mrs. Jones's bedroom window and saw Mr. Jones having sex
with Miss Smith and went back and told Mrs. Jones what they saw.
It happened three times in one week which upset Mrs. Jones,
so she filed for divorce.
While in court the judge asked if Mrs. Jones had any witnesses, to
which she replied, "Yes, two boys from next door."
The judge asked one of the boys to explain what he saw.
He said, "Judge, I climbed up in the tree and saw Miss Smith and
Mr. Jones take off all there clothes and started ****-in."
With that the Judge got upset and said, "You can't use that language
in this court," and thru him out.
When he asked the second boy to explain what he saw, he told
him to explain to him without using the bad language.
"Well, Judge," he said, "there was Mr. Jones and Miss Smith in the
bedroom, and they took off all their clothes. There was ten toes up
and ten toes down, Two big asses going round and round,
Meat fly in and meat fly out, If that ain't ****-in you can kick me
out!"











On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said,
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.'
A little voice from the back of the room asked,
'How the **** will that help?"












Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a
week in Las Vegas. The week flew by & they all had a great time. After
they returned home & the men went back to work, they sat around at
break & discussed their vacation.
The first guy says " I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since
we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers 7 come 11 all night
& I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says " I know what you mean...my old lady
played blackjack the whole time we were there & she slaps the
bed all night and hollers hit me light or hit me hard & I haven't
had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says " You guys think you have it bad! ...my old
lady played the slots the whole time we were there & I wake up each
morning with a sore dick & an ass full of quarters.












On the first day of third grade, Miss Torch took roll call.
"My name is Johnny ****hauer," said one boy.
"I won't tolerate such language in my class", Miss Torch fumed. "Tell
me your real name."
"That is my real name," Johnny insisted. "You can ask my brother over
in the fourth grade."
The determined teacher marched across the hall. "Do you have a
****hauer in here?" Miss Torch asked the class.
"Hell no," a bold lad retorted. "We don't even get a cookie break!"









A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their
first night. This was to be the first time they had made love and it
was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few
things about him. As her husband took off his trousers, the wife
noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared. She asked him what

at happened and the husband explained "as a child I had kneasels"
"Kneesels?" she asked, "what on earth is that?"
He replied, "Kneaseles are like measeles except they only affect the
knees".
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked
at his toes and found that they two were all mangled and scared. She
asked about this and he replied, "oh as a child I had tolio".
"Tolio?" she asked, "what on earth is that"
He explained, "Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes".
As he began to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, "Don't tell me, let

me guess- small cox".




A newly wed couple were looking to decorate their new house. Whilst
bargain hunting, they found an unusual mirror, which the shop owner
states is "magical".
The couple buy the mirror, and place it on the back of their bedroom
door.
One day the wife decided to test the mirror out, and whilst looking into
the mirror said:
"Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my boobs size 44."
And lo and behold it came true! She ran down the stairs to show her
husband, who was utterly amazed. He proceeded to run up to the bedroom,
and whilst looking in the mirror he said:
"Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my manhood touch the floor."
And then his legs fell off.

[CobraDan]

A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin close to the groin. The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.

Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:

Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.
Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of orgasm related headlines.
Dad: now surfs with two remotes Mom: never complains
She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out the door.
Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at $600 bucks to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your SUV.
The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...
"Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."
Finally, size really doesn't matter.
"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention...I'm sorry..."
Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon's name.
Side effects? Who cares about... oh... oh... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!
In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O."
Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their partner... errr, never mind.

[petek]

It's summer!
...and you know what that means. That's amore...

When the moon hits your eye,
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand,
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange,
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw,
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife,
Becomes stabbed with a knife,
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight,
Uses his sword in a fight,
That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze,
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine,
And you tie up her line,
That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests,
Like you did all the rest,
That's some more "A"s!

When on Mt. Cook you see,
An aborigine,
That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has,
A space gun with pizzazz,
That's a Moo ray...

A comedian ham,
With the name Amsterdam,
That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham,
Is so full and so crammed,
That smore.

When you've had quite enough,
Of this dumb rhyming stuff,
That's "No more!", eh?

[bonyhadi]

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT OKLAHOMA..........!

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Oklahoma.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Oklahoma, plus a
couple no one's seen before.

Possums will eat anything.

Armadillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.

Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are
ripe.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.

A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

The wind blows at 90 mph from October 2 until June 25, then it stops
totally until October 2.

Onced and twiced are words.

Coldbeer is one word.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Green grass DOES burn.

When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people
drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first
couple of weeks.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you,it's time to go to
the doctor.

Fix-in-to is one word.

A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation,
watterin' the cows, or swimming.

There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There's only dinner and then
there's supper.

Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're
two.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

'Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it
is.

You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

More Oklahomanisms:
You know you're from Oklahoma if:
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in
it, no matter what time of the year.
5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the
store.(Note: in the portion above"fix-in-to" is one word......)
6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked
8. You carry jumper cables in your car...for your OWN car.
9. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is.
10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
11. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
12. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
13. The local papers covers national and international news on one page
but requires six pages for local gossip and sports.
14. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
15. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
16. You find 100 degrees F "a little warm."
17. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and
Christmas.
18. You know whether another Oklahoman is from east,west, north or south
Oklahoma as soon as they open their mouth.
19. There is a Braums in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
20. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin"
or off to "Wally World."
21. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili
weather.
22. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke,
regardless of brand or flavor.

& unlimited access













A blonde, tired of being made fun of and determined to end it all,
grabs a rope and heads out to the park, where there are lots of trees.

A couple of hours later a man is walking by and sees the blonde,
hanging from a tree by the waist.

"Can I help you with something, miss?" asks the man.

"No thanks. I've just had it with the world and with everyone making
fun of me, so I'm hanging myself." replies the blonde.

"Well, you've got to put the rope around your neck if you want to do
that," offers the man helpfully.

"Well, I tried that," says the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."

[JimsGems]

Baptist Puppy Story;

A young Baptist couple felt it was important to own a proper Baptist pet. So they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in Baptist puppy’s, they found one that they liked and rapidly fell in love with him. When they got the puppy home, they discovered at puppy would fetch the Bible on command and he did on in a flash. When they asked him to open the Bible to the 23rd Psalm, he did it with his paws and with great dexterity. They were very so impressed.

That night, they had friends over to visit. They were so proud of their new Baptist puppy and his skills, they called the puppy over to them to show him off a little. Their friends were impressed also and asked whether the puppy was able to do any regular dog tricks. This stopped the young couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about normal dog tricks. “Well”, they said, “lets try it out.” Once more they called the puppy over to them and they clearly pronounced the command, “Heel.”

Quick as a wink, the puppy jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head…

It was then that the couple realized they had been deceived. The puppy was a Pentecostal.


…and all God’s children said; Amen?

[bonyhadi]

angover Classifications
>==================
>
>1 star hangover (*)
>No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco
>nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you
>are
>able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can
>drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomber and
>a side of gravy fries.
>
>2 star hangover (
>No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have
>mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only irritating
>your
>rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake
>breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.
>
>3 star hangover (*
>Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
>Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
>random
>gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at
>1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a
>dozen
>donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups
>of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke -- yet
>you
>haven't peed once.
>
>4 star hangover (**
>Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else
>you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has
>given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that
>can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls,
>it
>looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes
>look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject
>from
>the class picture of Revere High, '76.
>
>5 star hangover (***
>AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell." You have a second heartbeat in your head
>which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka
>vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have
>toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
>Your
>body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating
>you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who
>you
>were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger
>still sleeping in your bed at your house.
>
>6 star hangover (****
>Otherwise known as the "Infinite Nutsmacker" You wake up on your bathroom
>floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool
>refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your puke from 5
>hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow
>manages to get up before you the next morning....You try to lift your head.
>Not an
>option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of
>13 packs of cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were
>smoking, but not ultra lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and
>you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the
>mirror
>only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your
>forehead...... that explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has
>magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to
>work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think
>of wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.

[CobraDan]

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG

Author Unknown

[CobraDan]

Wild Jamaican



This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small
sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a
Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them "I have some
special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at
sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex
god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a
sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."



Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and
tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the
blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a
table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm
hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican then began screaming:

"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET MAN!!!




Subject: THE LAWN


One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking
beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across
the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at
me, "You should be hung."
I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."