Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about six years old.

Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop? "

"Yes, " I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that
right? "

"Yes, that's right, " I told her.

"Well, then" she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please
tie my shoe? "

~~~~

POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there? " he
asked.

"It sure is, " I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the
back of the van.

Finally he said, "What'd he do? "

~~~~~

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly
the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of
false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will
never believe this! "

~~~~~

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit. "

"And why not, darling? "

"You know that it always gives you a headache next morning. "

~~~~~

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his
playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be
performed, the children had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug
a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son
was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
his version of what he thought his father always said:

"Glory be unto the Faaaather. . . and unto the Soonnn . . . and into the
hole he gooooes. "

~~~~~~

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time, " she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they
won't let me talk! "

~~~~~

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found! " the boy called
out. What have you got there, dear? With astonishment in the young boy's
voice,

he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear! "




















SILLY LAWS



CALIFORNIA

~ It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.

~ Women may not drive in a housecoat.


FLORIDA

~ It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

~ Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.


OHIO

~ Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in
public.

~ It is illegal to get a fish drunk.


KANSAS

~ Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.

~ No one may catch fish with his bare hands.


OKLAHOMA

~ Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at
a dog.

~ State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another's
hamburger.


ALABAMA

~ It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in
church.

~ Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. (Really)


NEW YORK

~ It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

~ The penalty for jumping off a building is death.


NEW JERSEY

~ You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full-service
only.

~ In Ocean City, it is against the law to slurp your soup at a
restaurant.


WISCONSIN

~ In Racine, it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.

~ Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.


VIRGINIA

~ It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays.

~ Flipping a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for coffee is
outlawed.


TEXAS

~ It is illegal to have more than three sips of beer at a time while
standing.

~ It is illegal for a person to go barefoot without first obtaining a
permit.


ILLINOIS

~ It is against the law to use a slingshot unless you are a police
officer.

~ Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.


IOWA

~ Public kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five
minutes.

~ One-armed piano players must perform for free.


WASHINGTON

~ It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.
(Realize....someone had to MAKE that law!)

~ People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.


ARIZONA

~ It is illegal to hunt camels within the state borders.

~ In Tucson, women may not wear pants.


MASSACHUSETTS

~ Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.

~ It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.












A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold.

But the husband can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the
base of a tree, and begins to pray:

"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..." Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over
the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of
cheddar cheese rolls down the hill and lands at his feet!

"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the
cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.

"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No,"the husband says, "Jesus
sent this to me with a message...

As I ran home, I kept hearing Him yell, ' THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!'










A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll,
she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn
red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So
twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn
red?" "No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."





























A woman is very distressed because she has not been married for
very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So she goes to see her doctor, and tells him the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this
is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal
instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuts on
her husbands cereal every morning without telling him, and little
by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes
her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress
report.

A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her
husband is.

"He's dead," she replies

"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"

The woman replied, "He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls,
and I backed over him with the car......

[bonyhadi]

A lady is one who never shows her underwear ... unintentionally : )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~









Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man,
who showed no fear when facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship. The
crew became frantic!

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing
the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated
the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's
triumph. One of them a asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red
shirt before battle?"

The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would
not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such
a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN
pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the
captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders.

Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his
ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man to wife: "Woman, you are getting old, look at all the
wrinkles you are getting!"
Wife: "They aren't wrinkles, they're laugh lines!"
Man: "Nothing is that damn' funny!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maria is a devoted religious girl. She gets married and has 17 children. Then
her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later and has 22 children by her
next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally
together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me, father, but do you mean her
first husband, or her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LETHAL DRINKS
American in Paris = Kentucky
bourbon and champagne

Blood Clot = vodka, tomato
juice, and Jell-O

Card table == When you drink
2 of them your legs fold up
under you.

Fuzzy Naval Base = peach
schnapps, orange juice, and
ammonia

HIV+ (for gay bars) = It's Hi C
orange juice, V8 vegetable
juice, and battery acid.

Honeydew the Dishes = Midori and Dawn

Linda Tripp = 3 oz. of Old Crow on
the rocks.

Martinizer = gin, vermouth, and
carbon tetrachloride

Mary Poppins = vodka, tomato
juice, and a spoonful of sugar,
decorated with a paper umbrella

Oil of Ole = Mazola and sangria

Ronald Reagan Cocktail: Two and
you start feeling senile, at
a total loss for words.

Rush Limbaugh Cocktail: two of
these and you're a loud-mouthed
know-it-all.

Sake-to-me = rice wine, punch,
and nitrous oxide

Shirley MacLaine = sugar, carbonated
water, ginger extract - syrup, and
pomegranate; or what ginger ale
and grenadine were in a previous life

Sinead O'Connor = Irish whiskey and
Nair

Sonic screwdriver = Vodka & orange
juice going Mach 2.

The Energy Crisis Cocktail: Two and
the lights go out on you.

The Fuel Shortage cocktail; Two and
you're only half-tanked.

The Mona Lisa Cocktail: Two of these
and people wonder what you're smiling
at.

The Standard Time Cocktail: This one
sets you back an hour.

The Communist Cocktail: two of these
and you start leaning to the left.

The Exorcists Cocktail: Two and it'll
bring out the devil in you.

The Wuthering Heights Cocktail: It's
all the rage in England for those who
always want just one moor.

Three Men and a Baby = Jim Beam,
Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniel's, and
Infamil

Three Mile Island Iced Tea = vodka,
gin, rum, tequila, and plutonium
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
A woman gives birth to a baby,
and afterwards, the doctor comes
in, and he says, "I have to tell
you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says,
"What's wrong with my baby,
Doctor?...What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now,
nothing's wrong, exactly, but your
baby is a little bit different.
Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite....
what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means
your baby has the...er... ...
features...of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says,
"Oh, my goodness! You mean it has a
penis... AND a brain?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Q: What do you get when you cross Mexican crude fuel sources with
Arabian crude fuel sources?

A: Oil of Ole'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A PREGNANT WOMAN

"I finished the Oreos."

"Not to imply anything, but I don't
think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never
guess that Pamela Lee had a baby.."

"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna
stay that flabby forever!"

"Well, couldn't they induce labor?
The 25th is the Super Bowl!"

"Darned if you ain't about five pounds
away from a surprise visit from that
Richard Simmons fella."

"Fred at the office passed a stone the
size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought
I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience
the joy of childbirth?"

"Are your ankles supposed to look like
that?"

"Get your *own* ice cream."

"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking
today."

"Got milk ?"

"Maybe we should name the baby after my
secretary, Tawney."

"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is
the size of Madagascar!"

"Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover
Dam retains water..."

"You don't have the guts to pull that
trigger..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
----------------------------------
My ex-wife was temperamental..... 90% temper and 10% mental.
----------------------------------
I remember when I got married. I remember where I got married. But for the
life of me, I can't remember why I got married.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






S i t u a t i o n a l O r g a s m s

Sex with a nerd ~ dork-gasms

Sex at the entrance to your house ~ door-gasms

Sex on carpet or linoleum ~ floor-gasms

Sex at the supermarket ~ store-gasms

Sex at a Steven King Movie ~ horror-gasms

Sex with a prostitute ~ whore-gasms

Sex while sleeping ~ snore-gasms

Sex while broke ~ poor-gasms

Sex for hours and hours on end ~ sore-gasms

Sex on a golf course ~ fore-gasms

Sex with a nymphomaniac ~ more-gasms

Sex with a dermatologist ~pore-gasms

Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet ~ s'more -gasms

Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can ~odor-gasms

Sex that wasn't very satisfying ~ 'There's the door'-gasms

Sex in an adult theater ~ hard-core-gasms

Sex with someone who's not paying attention ~ ignore-gasms

Sex with a competitive partner ~ score-gasms

Sex while flying ~ soar-gasms

Sex with a beloved partner ~ adore-gasms

Sex with three of your friends ~ four-gasms

Sex that isn't fun ~ Bored -gasms
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Unable to display image]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
M' Lady
It's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within.
***
M' Lady
Your eyes are as dark as a castle moat by midnight.
Lower your drawbridge and let me cross.
***
M' Lady
Dost thou possess a looking glass in thine bodice?
For I may surely see myself within their folds.
***
M' Lady
Every second of every hour of every day is like a thousand knives of fire
stabbing me in the heart. I long for thee incessantly, so much that mine
sorrow seems without surcease. My alliteration is small comfort next to the
warm gaze of thine azure eyes. I crave the comfort of thine embrace like some
lost child cold and alone in the dark....
So, you wanna **** ???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Man ~ You're awfully flat chested, but you've got a tight *****.

Woman ~ Get off my back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[CobraDan]

Once a young boy was watching his mother take a bath. As she got out to dry off, he notices her upper torso he asks
"Momma what are those?" She replies
"Son those are my breasts," as she turns her back to him he asks "Momma what is that?" she replies
"Son that is my derriere." As she turns to slip on her robe he spies her nether region and asks
"Momma what is that?" She replies
"That son is none of your business!"
Later the boy is playing by the kitchen door, and the father comes in from work hungry.
The father hollers toward the kitchen to the mom, "Hey honey, what's for dinner?" She replies
"None of your business."
The son shaking his head says "YUCK!"

[SFfiredog]

Question:
How do you get an ex-stock broker off your front porch?

Answer:
Pay for the pizza

--Mike

[bonyhadi]

If Men Arranged Marriages.....

There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until
the cops
showed up.

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean
cut-offs and halter
tops.

They would have NO tan lines and more skin
showing than
not.

Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the
Nike shoes
would have matching team colors.

June weddings would be scheduled around
basketball play-
offs Vows would mention cooking and sex
specifically, but omit
that "forsaking all others" part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a
souped-up '73 Charger
or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame
designs on the
side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless
they were
really old) would get punched in the head.

Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role
of "Best
Man."

There would be "Tailgate Receptions."

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting
events at
half-time or between innings.

Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be
long.

Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive
compared to the
cost of the bachelor party. The cost of
strippers and liquor
really does add up.

Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear?
The
burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd
just grab extras
from their local pub or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better
yet, free drink
passes at the local lounge.

The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel,
and be
form-fitted to her ass.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there
would be
a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza, and
plenty of
bar-b-que.

No one would bother with that veil routine. But
they
would insist that the garter be as high up on her
leg as
it could go.

The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a
previous
funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or
something.

Invitations would read as follow: Tom (Dick or
Harry) is
getting the old ball and chain. He's getting
married.
He either: A) Knocked her up, B) Couldn't get a
different
roommate, or C) Caved in to her ultimatum.
Please meet
the woman who will cook and clean for him For the
rest of his
life at Soldier Field Stadium On the 50-Yard Line
at Half-time
during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the
Moonlight Lounge
after the game For Beer, Nachos and
Pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B.








There were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus
was Black
1) He called everyone "Brother"
2) He liked Gospel
3) He couldn't get a fair trial


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was Jewish
1) He went into his Fathers business
2) He lived at home until he was 33
3) He was sure his mother was a virgin and
his mother was sure he was
God


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was Italian
1) He talked with his hands
2) He had wine with every meal
3) He used olive oil


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was a Californian
1) He never cut his hair
2) He walked around barefoot all the time
3) He started a new religion


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was Irish
1) He never got married
2) He was always telling stories
3) He loved green pastures


But the most compelling evidence of all - 3
proofs that Jesus was a woman
1) He had to feed a crowd at a moment's
notice when there was no food
2) He kept trying to get a message across
to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it
3) Even when he was dead, He had to get up
because there was more
work to do.

Amen !!!!!









A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs
to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"

Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, I've been
telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!

<><><><><><>

"My daughter and I took what proved to be 134 pounds of cardboard
boxes to the recycling center and earned $1.34. Counting gas and ice
cream, we turned a profit of -$7.85. We're going to use generally
accepted accounting principles and apply this amount to our taxable
income."

<><><><><><>

According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and think he's
really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if
he's married?

Rose Marie: No, you should wait until morning.

<><><><><><>

Jewish Mothers don't differ from any other in the world when it comes
to bragging about their sons. One Mother, trying to out-do another
when it came to opportunities available to their just
graduated-from-college sons said, "My Irving has had so many fine
interviews, his resume is now in its fifth printing."

<><><><><><>

Mary: And then he told me his name was John Smith.

Jill: Oh, that sounds fake! Weren't you suspicious?

Mary: Oh, yes! I was even more so when he asked me, "How much for the
whole night?"

<><><><><><>

What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?

George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

<><><><><><>

If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?

Charley Weaver: Hey, three days of steady drinking ought to do it.

<><><><><><>

A friend of mine is responsible for alumni relations at his
high-school alma mater.

Last fall, a member of the Class of 1986 returned the standard alumni
questionnaire with this response:

Marital Status - Not good
Wife's Name - Plaintiff

<><><><><><>

Following the birth of my second child, I called our insurance
company to inquire about my short-term disability policy.

"I just had a baby," I proudly announced to the representative who
picked up the phone.

"Congratulations! I'll get all of your information and activate your
policy," she assured me. After taking down basic facts like my name
and address, she asked, "Was this a work-related incident?"

<><><><><><>

In keeping with the spirit of the times, there's a new exercise class
for all Mothers-in-Law. It's called aerobic nagging.

<><><><><><>

"In Florida, a woman who's a special-needs teacher by day, has been
arrested for working as a prostitute at night. When asked about it,
the woman said her clients at night also have "special needs." -
Conan O'Brien

<><><><><><>

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor.
The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My
husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"

The husband replies "Not exactly. I mean, she's the one that suffers, not me."

<><><><><><>

You Know You're Living In The Year 2002 When:

A. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they
do not have an e-mail address.

B. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

C. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn
so she can create a screen saver.

D. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.

E. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the
bottom of the screen.

F. You buy a computer and 3 months later it is out of date and now
sells for half the price you paid.

G. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go get it.

H. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase
would be a hassle and take planning.

I. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

J. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

k. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

L. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

M. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

N. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if
youjust pulled the plug on a loved one.

O. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

P. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on
your way back to bed.




<><><><><><>

[Lumberman]

New Pledge
I Pledge (if I am emotionally so inclined, but otherwise make no commitment whatsoever) Allegiance (or if not, at least a passing interest in) to the Cloth Symbol (known by most but not necessarily myself as "The Flag") of the loosely associated group of governmental regulatory bodies known as The United States of America (which may also be referred to as a group of ethnically diversified persons living in the same place at the same time) and to the Republic (please refer to the aforementioned disclaimer regarding the USA) for which it stands, one nation (please refer to the aforementioned disclaimer regarding the USA), under (or maybe even over) an unspecified deity (or not if you so choose so as not to possibly offend any member of the ethnically diversified group herein assembled to recite or not to recite this statement of allegiance or interest depending on the mood of the moment) indivisible (or invisible or visible or whatever) with Liberty (because you have to have liberty even if there is no commitment or responsibility whatsoever) and Justice (whatever you may define that to be) for All (and by "all" we may mean just one lousy individual who wants to, with the help of his A.C.L.U. court appointed attorney, ruin everything for everybody else).

[DAVID GAGNARD]

How Could I Ever Repay You?

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So
the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor
felt was suitable would have to come from his
buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would
tell no one about where the skin came from, and
requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more
beautiful than she ever had before! One day,she was
alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want
to thank you for everything you did for me. There is
no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get
all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek."

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington D.C. 20591

Dear Sirs;
I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings,
and at the same time getting our airline industry back on
its feet.

Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look
at naked women we should replace all of our female
flight attendants with strippers.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear
of seeing a naked woman, and of course, everyone in this
country would start flying again in hope of seeing a
naked woman. We would have no more hijackings, and the
airline industry would have record sales.

Now why didn't Congress think of this?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

[bonyhadi]

. Proper Care
-----------------------------------
A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding
ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond
band, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked
the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have
to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the
salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding
ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."



"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk
comes out of my nose."
- Woody Allen


Orders?
----------------------------------
Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't
you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention?
What's your excuse?

Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.

Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you
no such order.

Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.









The Law
---------------------------------
Aubrey Meek was brought before the court on the charge of refusing to
obey a police officer. "Why did you refuse to move on when asked to do
so by the officer?" the judge inquired, obviously wondering what
unexplained force could have given such a man strength to buck a strong
minion of the law.

"It's like this, your honor," explained Meek. "My wife said I was to
meet her at exactly twelve noon at that spot - and I was forced to
choose between man's law and wife's law."








I'm in personnel with the government in Washington, D.C., reviewing
applications for federal employment. The standard form includes the
question, "Why did you leave your previous employment?" One applicant,
a former U.S. Cngressman, responded, "The express wish of 116,000
voters."--Readers Digest

[bonyhadi]

The average man's life consists of twenty years of having his mother ask him
where he is going; fifty years of having his wife ask the same question; and
at the end, the mourners wondering too!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The abolition of Euro trade barriers in 1996 meant that all cars will now be
of German origin.
To this end the following list of German motoring phrases:

1) Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken = Signal Indicators

2) Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen = Auto Hood (Bonnet)

3) Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust

4) Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken = Clutch

5) Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken = Puncture

6) Der Twatten mit Elplatz = Learner driver

7) Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin = Estate car

8) Der Flippenflappenschitspreader = Windshield wipers

9) Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen = Seat belt

10) Das Buch fur Aresewipen = Highway code

11) Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden = Headlights

12) Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist

13) Der Fukkengratentrucken = Truck

14) Der Bananwaltzen = Skid

15) Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen = Near accident
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked
very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot. At the
end of the day she was nucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge and the
other was called Betty Swollocks. They were really forrible uckers and had
fetty sweet.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball but the cotton runts wouldn't
let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother
appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six
dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told
Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking
falamity.

At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly
the clock struck twelve...."For suck's fake!" yelled Rindercella as she ran
out, tripping barse over ollocks and dropping her slass glipper.

Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly
ister let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig
bart.

"Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.

"Blame that fugly ucker over there," said Mary Hinge. When the brinking stown
cloud had lifted the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the
sugly isters without success. Their feet stucking fank. Betty Swollocks was
ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers. This
was not difficult has he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard-on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

They were married. The hince lived his life in lucking fuxury and Rindercella
lived hers with a follen swanny.

And they lived happily ever after...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young American girl, on her very first trip to Paris, decided to test the
French male's fabled expertise in the art of love-making.

On her first date, she asked him what exactly he intended to do with her.

"First," he replied, "I weel remove ze dress. Zen, I will carry you to ze
bed. And zen," he added triumphantly, "I will kiss ze navel."

"Big deal !!!" she said. "I've had my navel kissed before hundreds of times."

"Ahhhhh, but of course!" shrugged the Frenchman. "But... from ze inside?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Army Sergeant Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and
says, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!"

The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best call
girl they have for him.

Sergeant Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on
his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed.

He then says, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years,
and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!!"

Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect.

The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that.

The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm
a master of my mind and body. DICK, AT EASE!!"

His penis goes immediately limp.

The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for
another demonstration.

The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!!"
(A raging hard-on once again).

He follows this display of prowess with the command of "DICK, AT EASE!!"
(His penis goes limp once again).

The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration
one more time.

The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you darling, I've been in the Army
thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!!"

His penis becomes immediately erect. He then gives the following command,
"DICK, AT EASE!!"

The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his absolute horror, his penis is still
rock hard. He says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier: DICK, AT EASE!!"

Once again his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and
says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!!"

No luck, his penis is still rock hard. He yells, "Goddammit!!" and moves to
the side of the bed and starts to vigorously play with himself.

The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?"

The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order--and I'm
giving him a dishonourable discharge!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Girl & her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy a round,
she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.

She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two
glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.

Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it
in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it
a go. First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.

Then he takes the lime juice.

T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.

T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the colour of fresh lime juice.

T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge.

T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear, "Blowjob revenge!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is a KISS?

It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead to further
PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build next GENERATION.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

farmer's wife was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce. "He
makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, Mr. Jones," says the farmer's wife, "this morning I was looking
at the chickens, when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!"

"Chickens? Mrs. Smith, I didn't know you kept chickens."

"We don't, Mr. Jones, we were at the supermarket!"












A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer
lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city
boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range
and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't
know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill
to the farmer.

"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!"
said the boy.

"Oh, ****!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"











A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative
is still a negative."

"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a
double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."














A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready
to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the
husband,

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods." replies his wife

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah. Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you
went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get
done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service
and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that. "

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do
it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love
with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes
over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" She says.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room
service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes
love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired
and beat.

He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No, I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole.










For all of you who are feeling a little older and missing those great
old tunes, there is good news. Some of your old favourites have
re-released their great hits! Now with new lyrics to accommodate
their aging audience,,,,some examples are as follows:

<> Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
<> The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
<> Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
<> Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"
<> The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"
<> Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
<> Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"
<> The Temptations--"Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
<> Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
<> ABBA--"Denture Queen"
<> Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
<> Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
<> Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"
<> The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
<> Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune a-Rising"
<> Marvin Gaye--"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
<> The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

.

[CobraDan]

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"
"Why?" his father asked.
"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"

[CobraDan]

Hey, something to think about...???

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one
year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original
$1,000.00.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the
beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the
cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to
drink heavily and recycle.

[DAVID GAGNARD]

True Story;

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[bonyhadi]

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too
smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm
smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The
teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what he situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher
agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him
and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think
Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal,
"Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"
Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry
replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry:"Pants"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" The principal's eyes open
really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking
charge.
Harry: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before
he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yep."
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do." Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first." Principal was looking restless and
bit tense. Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good." Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver." Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry
in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.




wo gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas
and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.
The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any
longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.

The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six
hours nonstop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the
cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT?", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't
written."








Dear Diary,

A friend of mine called me up to tell me he was going to pop
the question.

"To who?" I asked.

"Gina," he replied.

"Gina?" I mused trying to recall her. "Is she the one with the
big tits who makes all that money?"

"Yeah."

"Don't do it," I said quickly. "She'll be the end of you!"

"Whaddya mean, TZ?" he was confused. "She makes a ton of cash,
more than I do, she's a looker with a great rack and she wants
to marry ME! I just don't think it gets any better."

"Look, George, money is great. Big tits are great, too. Trouble
comes when you combine the two in one wife. That's lethal."

Knowingly,

TZ

P.S. When we ran the plea for you to buy my book the other day,
we neglected to tell you you could order it and send us a check
later. So click this link and order now. You can send us the money
after you've read it. I know you're good for it.
http://laffaday.com/laff1.html <a href="http://laffaday.com/laff1.html">Laffaday Book</a>








------------------------------------------------------------
My son had just turned 15 when I finally decided to talk to
him about sex. To ensure private time, I brought him on a ski
trip and began our talk on the chair lift so he couldn't escape.

"Do you know about girls and babies?" I asked.

He nodded but cut me off.

The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to
have him look away in silence. On the third lift, already knowing
I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like to
talk about sex?"

"Damn, Dad," he responded, "is that all you ever think about?"

[bonyhadi]

FIRST COOKING EXPERIENCE

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find
his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the
matter?" he asks.

"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has
happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you,
and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang.

When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again,
"I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We'll
get a new cat in the morning..."






Sex Study Results Published ....

It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual
position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
In the beginning, G-d created earth and rested.

Then G-d created man and rested.

Then G-d created woman.

Since then, neither G-d nor man has rested.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Woman's Favorite Men

The Physician says "Take your clothes off."
The Dentist says "Open Wide"
The Interior Decorator says "I got it up now how do you like it?"
The Milkman says "You want it in the front or the rear?"
The Banker says "Don't pull it out you'll lose interest."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've learned- that it's not what you have in your life that counts,
but how much you have in your bank accounts.

I've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned- that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are
more ****ed up than you think.

I've learned- that money is a great substitute for character.

I've learned- To say "**** them if they can't take a joke" !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UP or DOWN

[Jamo]

Subject: Politically Correct

> >How To Speak About Women And Be Politically Correct: (new 2002 version)

> >1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

> > 2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

> > 3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

> > 4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

> > 5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

> > 6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

> > 7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

> > 8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

> > 9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

> > 10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

> > 11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

> > 12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

> > >================================================= =========

> > How To Speak About Men And Be Politically Correct:

> > 1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

> > 2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

> > 3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

> > >4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

> > 5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS

> >>6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

> >7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

> >8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

> > 9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

> > 10. He is not HORNY - he is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

[bonyhadi]

---------------------------------------------------------------------~->

An Alexander County deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of
the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was
speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he
was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver
would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn't give him a ticket. The
driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and
didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some flares
in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler
stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed
them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad
car. A drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, then went over to
the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him
doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the
drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, theres no way in
hell I can pass that test."











The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and
his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened
the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the
drive across town.

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me
became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering
him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, man,"
he said, "but I think it's too late!"








A priest is hearing confession at his church in County Cork

"Forgive me father" says the penitent, "for I have sinned. I am a single man
and I have had sexfour times in the last week with Fanny Green"

He is blessed by the priest who tells him to say five Hail Marys and go in
peace.

The next penitent arrives. "Forgive me Father" he prays, "I have sinned. It has
been a month since my last confession and in that time I have had sex twenty
times with Fanny Green"

The priest tells him to say five Our Fathers and ten Hail Marys and go in peace

But the next parishioner comes to confess

"Forgive me Father, I am a married man. It has been two months since my last
confession and in thattime I have had sex every day with Fanny Green"

The priest by this time is very much perturbed but blesses the man and sends
him on his way. However he cannot but wonder about Fanny Green. It is, after
all, only a small parish in which the priest knows every soul. But he has
never, before today, heard of this Fanny Green.

Nonetheless, it's time for mass and the priest heads off to lead the service.

Just as he is about to offer the host, the doors of the chuch burst open, and a
statuesque vision of loveliness the likes of which he has never seen, walk into
the church. She is dressed in green. Green shoes, green dress, green coat and a
green hat, topped off with a green feather.

This apparition confidently walks down the centre aisle to the front pew where
she takes a seat an fixes the priest with a seductive smile....all the time her
legs slightly just like that sinful hussy Sharon Stone....and he can
see...almost.....he thinks....her *****.

The priest is completely flustered and in the middle of mass too

He turns to the alter boy, wondering if this is the woman of whom he has heard
in confession.

"Tell me, lad" he asks, "is tat Fanny Green?"

"Noooooo Father, I tink 'tis just t' reflection from her shoes"

[CobraDan]

An Iraqi diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and
dined by the State Department.
The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American food (french fries,
cheese, etc.) and was constantly sending his man-servant, Abdul, to fetch
him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper into another room and return with
a glass of water. But finally he returned
empty-handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?"
demanded the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,
"but a man is sitting on the well."

[CobraDan]

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or
a death in your immediate family - but that's it. No other excuses
whatsoever."

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter
and snickering.

When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand."